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Update August 31, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in books & movies & shows, I kinda love my life.
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This week has been pretty good.  My friend Kate held a “Wine and Cheese Party” at her house last night, which actually turned out to be just her, Anna and I.  It was fun.  I had brie for the first time, and some yummy fruit and wine.  We’re starting our book club back up again, which I’m pretty excited about.  Each of us take turns choosing one book per month, and we’ll have random get togethers to hang out and talk about the book as we go, then a dinner where we talk about the whole book after we’ve finished, and then a movie night if a movie was made based on the book.  Kate chose a Jack London story for her first pick, and I chose Pride and Prejudice for mine the following month.  I got the movie from Target last weekend and I’m obsessed with it.  I’ve watched parts of it every night since.  I’m in love with Mr. Darcy.  He is just…all kinds of utter deliciousness. 

I also finished Harry Potter.  I burst into tears so many times during that book.  I was rereading parts of it the other night while M watched Last Comic Standing (did anyone see the guy who talked about how when he was six, a friend was at his house and they taped their penises together, and how looking back it’s hard to imagine finding another kid who would agree to do it?  And how they stripped down, taped them together, and the other kid said, in complete seriousness (because they just learned the alphabet) “look, we just made the letter H”?  M and I were dying.)  I started to cry because of a characters death, and M looked over and asked what was wrong, and I wailed “he’s DEEEAAAADDDD!!!”, and he asked who, and I told him the entire story of the character (tears streaming down my face the whole time.)  M looked like he was trying extremely hard not to laugh, and said “I’m…sorry(?)” and I sniffled and said “me too” and reached out for a hug, which he provided while laughing and telling me how adorable I apparently am.  Seriously…that series killed me.  And I can’t wait to read it again. 

I hung out with my BFF Jessie the other night, which was fun.   We walked around and talked, then went to Barnes and Noble and looked at books and talked some more.  It’s always really nice to see her.  I can let my hair down, and talk to her about things I can’t talk to anyone else about, and relax knowing she won’t judge or laugh.  I really hope we get to hang out more, cause I don’t see her nearly enough.

So things are good…I haven’t updated my food diary all week, but I’ve actually been doing well.  No fast food, only Starbucks and fruit and salads. I feel proud.  Now if I could only drag my ass to the gym more often…

Food Diary:
Breakfast: my macchiato

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Weekend recap August 27, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in I kinda love my life.
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This weekend was good.  Anna and I got our makeup done at Clinique on Friday, and they talked me into buying some face cleanser, toner and moisturizer, which I now officially love.  We were planning to go out for dinner and then to bars in DC, but M and I were tired, and Anna’s brother was sick so we decided to do it another night.  Saturday I met Anna and Kate and we got manicures and pedicures, then Kate and I went to Starbucks and sat outside and talked for a few hours.  I’ve never really spent one-on-one time with Kate, so it was really nice to bond for a while.  After that I went home and hung out with M for the rest of the night.  Yesterday we spent the majority of the day at my parents so M could sand drawers and doors for the bathroom cabinet.  I was looking around in this room where my siblings and I just kinda threw everything we didn’t want to move, and found two water guns.  I filled one up, but couldn’t get it to work, so I brought it to M, who figured it out and proceeded to squirt the crap out of me.  I ran inside to get the other one, and we chased each other around the yard like 10 year olds.  Then he told me to stop, and went over to drink from the really big glass of ice water that I was sweet enough to get for him, and he threw it at me (not the glass, just the water.)  I got soaked.  It was awesome. 

More later, I gotta get to work.

Food for thought August 24, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in food for thought.
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I do my thing, & you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if buy chance we find each other – it is beautiful. If not it can’t be helped.Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.

Anyone can give up. It’s the easiest thing in the world to do.  But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart?  That’s true strength.

It’s not that some people have willpower and some don’t.  It’s that some people are ready to change and others are not.

Sometimes you need to let go of the person you are to become the person you’re going to be. 

The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places.  But those that will not break it kills.  It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave inpartially.  If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.

And my problem was that I always tried to go in everyone’s way but my own.  I have also been called one thing and then another while no one really wished to hear what I called myself.  So after years of trying to adopt the opinions of others I finally rebelled.There is always something left to love.  And if you ain’t learned that, you ain’t learned nothing.

I want you to show them the difference between what they think you are and what you can be.

You wouldn’t worry what others think of you if you realized how seldom they actually do.

With friends like mine… August 24, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in realizations, The Diet, to friend or not to friend.
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Last night was really nice.  My sister came over and we hung out just the two of us for the first time in a looooong time.  We talked until almost 1:30 about everything…my grandmother, our boys, friends that aren’t so great…it was like old times.  We made plans to hang out next weekend, and I really hope we do because I miss her a lot. 

I spent a good part of the workday yesterday talking to Anna about issues with people.  I told her a little of what went on with my parents when I was younger, and the effect it seems to have had on my thoughts and self-esteem.  I hate using the way other people treat you or experiences as a cop-out for being an asshole.  I never want to be one of those people.  But more and more I feel really angry and disenchanted with a lot of people.  Anna said something really sweet: “It just really sucks that you deal with such crappy people who do such crappy things because you’re not one of those people who asks for it, or who likes drama in their lives.  You deserve it less than anyone I know.  It would just be nice if people would live up to your standards.  It’s not like they’re even high.”  I was like awwwww! and word.  People kinda suck.  So I’m letting fewer and fewer in and unabashedly making cuts.  I’m spending more time on me and on reading and movies.  And the people who prove that they don’t suck when it matters.

Anna and I have an appointment to get our makeup done at Clinique today at 4.  They’re doing some kind of promotion, and the only catch is that we are “expected to buy one thing.”  I love getting my makeup done, so…should be fun.  I took off work tomorrow, and Anna and I are going to get manicures and pedicures and our hair did.  I’m siked.  I love pedicures.  I feel guilty cause I think feet are gross, and I don’t particularly enjoy the  sight of someone kneeling at my feet, but…foot massages are one of my favorite indulgences.  So I’m looking forward to it. 

Tonight M and I are probably going out for dinner and then to a bar with Anna, Kate, and some other people.  I’m siked to try new drinks I found online.  Yea, I’m a nerd…

Gotta get some work done. 

Food Diary:
Breakfast:  my macchiato
Lunch: strawberries dipped in sugar (so f-ing worth it), a banana & 12 oz bottler of water
Snack: bits of a fruit salad and a vitamin water
Dinner: chicken and french fries
Gym time: 1 hour

dieting August 23, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in The Diet.
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I can’t believe I’m about to type this, but… whatev.  I am on a diet.  I’ve NEVER been on a diet, always thought they were a waste of time and perfectly good junk food, and never ever thought that I would even consider being on one.  But, I got Self magazine, and joined the “You can tone/lose weight/run better in 31 days” thing they’ve got going online, and yea…it turns out that my weight is not as average as I previously thought.  I’ve been told by doctors that I weigh a good 20 lbs more than I look like I do, probably due to the years of gymnastics I put my body through.  I went to a doctor once, and the nurse who weighed me exclaimed “wow! You must be made of solid rock! You weigh so much more than I thought you would!”  (Nice, huh?)

So, I’m biting the bullet and aiming to lose that 20 lbs that amazes doctors and puts me in the “technically 3 pounds overweight” category.  Yesterday I bid a fond farewell to my favorite foods.  No more Nerds or Reeses at work…no more grilled cheese sandwiches with 4 slices of American cheese…no more macchiatos every day…(I still plan to have them because I looked up just how many carbs/calories/fat grams are in them and yea…not half as many as there are in many, many other options) just water, then salads, then more water, then limited amounts of meat for the protein, then fruit, then water, then veggies.  All in limited amounts.  Except for the water, which I plan to practically drown myself in.  I’m also going to start going to the gym at least two mornings a week before work.  My target weight is 125, and I figure if I can get to it in two months…I’ll feel proud of myself.  And oh so sad because yea…have I mentioned I LIVE on/for sugar?

I may keep track of my daily food consumption and an exercise log just to see how much progress I’m making (and to allow those nearest and dearest to give me a not to subtle kick in the butt should I slip). 

Wish me luck!

Food Diary:
Breakfast: iced venti caramel macchiato with whipped cream and extra caramel
Lunch: Peaches and pears fruit cup & 12 oz water bottle
Snack: hardboiled egg
Dinner: chicken with beans and strawberry lemonade
Snack: another macchiato (it was my sister’s treat!)

August 22, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in I kinda love my life, sweet dreams are made of this.
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Yesterday was the first day in a loooong while that I’ve felt the urge to shop.  I went to the bank to deposit a month and a half’s worth of paychecks from my two jobs because I figured that if it wasn’t in the bank, I couldn’t spend it.  So, after seeing how much is in there now, and realizing that I could use a couple pairs of jeans and some sweaters cause it’s starting to get cold in the morning and at night, and that it’s been a while since I’ve bought clothes for M, it couldn’t hurt to have a mini-shopping spree.  So that is what I did.  I hit the mall, and, although my wallet is a good $300 lighter, I honestly don’t feel guilty.  I even showed everything off to M, who was happy with his stuff, and told me that mine were all pretty too (this is key, cause he HATES when I shop or spend money on anything other than necessities.)  I got three pairs of jeans, three sweaters, a super comfy pair of ballet flats for work, a really cute top for work, some super comfy sweats for the gym, socks, a couple going-out shirts and a pretty dress.  I feel satisfied, and honestly don’t feel the need to buy more until the season changes again. 

M saw book 7 of Harry Potter on our dresser and asked “why did you buy that?  I thought you were going to wait.”  I thought ‘oh great, here comes the lecture I was expecting about the clothes’ and then he said “I was going to buy it for you.” 

Now, M is a sweetheart of a guy.  Very romantic, gets me flowers for no reason, organizes my closet for me, brings me breakfast in bed on Sundays sometimes, give me foot massages without my asking…the works.  He does not, however, spend money.  On anything other than food (and anniversarys, V-Day, Christmas and my birthday, obviously.)  So for him to even say that he was going to surprise me with something that he would so much rather me just check out from the library was very, very sweet and unexpected. 

Things have been really good with us.  Like ‘I blast cheesy love songs on the way to work (this morning it was “Aint No Other Man”) and smile for seemingly no good reason” good. 

I got my books for school, and a ton of pens, so…I feel ready.  I also bought some Spanish vocabulary flash cards to practice on because El Salvador for Christmas is just about official.  M and I are going to get our passports either today or tomorrow, then we’re going to buy the plane tickets this weekend.  I’m getting excited.  I’m looking for deals on luggage so M and I can have our own set.  I love traveling.  I love being on planes, I love packing and hotels…I love everything about being somewhere unfamiliar.  I really, really hope I get the chance to do it more often. 

Gotta get to work…

Home Improvements and Harry Potter August 21, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in books & movies & shows, home improvements, school.
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This past weekend was very uneventful.  Friday M and I saw Superbad, which was so. freaking. funny.  Seriously, go see it now!  I worked on Saturday, then M and I snuggled up on the couch and watched Vacancy.  Sunday we slept in, then went to Target and Ikea to get some things for the house.  We (well, mostly M) are doing more and more things to improve the house, and it’s coming along slowly but surely.  We watch shows like Flip That House or My First House all the time to get ideas.  Right now M is sanding down all the cabinets in the bathrooms so we can stain them.  We decided that there are three big projects we are going to save up for so we can do them next summer; fix up the patio (lifting the ugly bricks that aren’t at all level so everyone trips everywhere and the tables and chairs rock, pulling up a really ugly tree, and put new dirt down to level things out, then put stones in; redo the entire kitchen (new stone floor, rip off the wallpaper and paint, redo the cabinets and countertops and buy a new fridge and stove); and redo the floors in all of the bathrooms with either stone or marble.  We’re really into stone (as you can probably tell.)  We actually have the same taste and the same ideas for what needs to get done, so the planning of it all is going pretty smoothly.  We found a kitchen we both LOVE at Ikea, so we’re going to go back and talk to someone and see if we can do a layaway or something like it.  We’re also going to buy two stones for the patio and kitchen every week for the next 9 months so the cost of it all doesn’t hit all at once.  I’m getting really excited.  Whether we decide to keep the house for longer than we thought, or sell it in a few years, all of the work and improvements we’re making should get us a decent amount back.  We saw three other houses in the same complex when we were looking, and they were pretty crappy.  The house we bought is the best out of the four, and we needed to re-carpet and paint the entire house, and the previous owners gave us an additional $7000 for repairs, so…that tells you it wasn’t in the best shape.  But it’s becoming something to be proud of, so…we’re happy. 

I also finished Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince last night.  I cried and cannot wait for book 7.  I planned to wait until it came out in paperback because I don’t like paying $20 for a book, but yea…I got it this morning at Target.  Damn you Harry Potter, and the insatiable need to finish all of you that has taken over my brain and life (and wallet)!  I think that when I’m finished I may re-read all of them, but I may just wait for winter break.  Gawd…where did summer go?  I can’t believe school is starting again.  Well, my school is very different than other schools with its schedule, so only one of my classes begins in September.  The rest start at the end of October.  Which is actually a pretty sweet deal, so…I won’t complain. 

Gotta get to work. 

I’m a little behind… August 17, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in books & movies & shows, work.
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but yea…I seriously bawled my eyes out for a good hour last night while reading the end of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.  I was a sobbing, sniffling mess, and I still tear up when I think of certain lines.  I’m patiently (or not so much) waiting for my friend Kate to get online so we can talk about it cause she’s pretty much the only person I know who has read them all. 

I’ll write more in a little bit.

And now I’m back…

still working, still bored.  Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a job that keeps me entertained all the live-long day.  A job that not only keeps me in Starbucks, new clothes every week, fabulous vacations every year, and frankly, something to do so I don’t end up boring and completely self-centered, but also HAPPY.  I read an interview with a film critic on one of my favorite websites, and he said that his job involves research online, reading blogs, interviewing actors and people who work on films and tv shows, and watching various programs and films.  I mean, come on!  What could be better than that?  The salary (weak at best) makes choosing it for a career questionable, but…I want to be happy.  Even paired with freelance editing, I’m never going to earn six figures a year.  But fortunately…as many have pointed out before it even occurred to me…M is smart enough to go for a degree and job that will actually make him a lot of money.  The truth is, if I didn’t have complete faith in him and our coupledom, I’d probably choose a different career.  One that would allow me to actually eat and pay rent all in the same month.  If I’m lucky, I’ll make about a quarter of what salary.com claims to be his “median” salary.  But I will be happy.  And I can work from home and raise our babies, which is very important to him, so it all works out.  And if it doesn’t work out…I just may finally have to commit to never drinking Starbucks again.  But lets not think about that now…

In all seriousness…I’m not a gold digger.  It’s really been a question of “do I want to be happy, or do I want to make a lot of money?”  And if I know so. crystal. clearly. what it is that would make me happy…why not go for it?  For a while I was actually thinking about becoming a pharmacist (hello, $90,000 to start? where do I sign?!), but I went to CVS one day, and just standing in line to pick up a prescription depressed me.  (Not that there’s anything wrong with being a pharmacist…it’s just really not for me.) 

I need to write, I need flexible hours, and I need to smile.  I need to be a film/television critic and freelance editor.  And I’m finally at peace with it.

(This seems really random, I’m sure, but it’s on my mind at least once a day, so…thought I’d share.)

Gonna go chat with Anna…

Operation: Less Talk, More Action August 16, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in random, school.
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I am getting things done!  I ordered my books for school this morning, registered for another class, set up a payment plan for the next three months, and went to the gym last night.  I’m so sore today.  But it’s the good kind of sore, where you know you kicked ass the previous day, so every aching muscle just gives you the mental image of yourself looking gorgeous and fit.  I was planning to go this morning too but A) I’m waaaay too sore and B) I overslept.  I stayed up until almost 2 reading Harry Potter and I only put it down then because sleeping M rolled over and gave me a really dirty look because the bright lamp I was reading next to kept waking him up.  All I can think about is sitting at home, curled up on the couch with a blanket and the book.  Plus it’s really gloomy and rainy outside, which is perfect reading weather.  Only four more hours…

I’m getting excited for school to start.  I know I’ll probably regret feeling that way when I’m up to my elbows in readings and papers, but…for now I’m enjoying new notebooks and pens and getting the office ready for those late nights. 

Gotta get back to work…

It’s never enough time August 15, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in I really don't know life at all, realizations.
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There are times when I forget that my grandmother is dead. I think about something she said, or a funny story, and then, as I always have, think “I hope I get to see her this weekend” (or something to that effect), and then I remember and it hits like a sledgehammer. I’ve tried to keep myself preoccupied with shows and reading and friends and work, but there’s no escaping it. Which is both good and bad. I read a book once about this kid whose best friend dies when they’re 12. He says that he wants to let himself feel all the grief and anger and sadness so that it doesn’t hurt to think about his friend for too long. I don’t think I’ll ever forget how he words it, because it so. perfectly. captures how you feel when you lose someone you love: “there’s a lump in my throat and a story at the tip of my tongue whenever I think of [her].”

I really, really miss my grandmother. And I hate that I’ll never see her again. I hate that there are only memories and the past. Sometimes I hate it so much it just…aches.

I haven’t written here yet about my sisters boyfriend. He was in a car accident when he was sixteen and he died four days later. I thought about death and why a lot differently before that happened. I’ve come to realize that there’s no answer for any of it. Why we’re here, why we leave, why some people (sometimes the best people) leave too soon. Any belief I had in a higher power went out the window when he died. Any hope that any of it is more than cruel left too. My grandmothers death is different. Her life ending doesn’t seem as tragic because she lived such a long, good life. When I think of her passing, I feel sad and nostaligic. When I think of Paul’s death, I feel angry at the world.

From what I’ve experienced of death, which is luckily not much compared to many, many others in the world, I realize only that we need to appreciate what we have while we have it, and never go to bed angry, never take anyone for granted, and realize that today might be it. Not only for you, but for anyone you love and like. My sister never got to say goodbye, and it haunts her to this day. I said goodbye to my grandmother, but I still wish I said more. My cousin’s son, who is 8, summed it up: “It’s not fair! I’ve only had my whole life with her, and that’s only eight years. That’s not enough time.” To which my cousin replied “I’ve only had 33 years with her, and that’s not enough time.” Then he said “It’s never enough time.”

There’s never enough time to live, and there’s never enough time to love. So why do we waste so much of it on hate, negativity, drama and nothing?