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Just me? September 24, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in food for thought, it is looove, M.
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Does anyone else ever feel kinda lost?

You live your life…you have your friends, family, maybe a relationship. You work (mostly because you need money, and really, what else would you do with your time?), maybe go to school. Every day is more or less the same. You know what to expect from weekends. You have neither the funds or time to take a spontaneous trip to Italy, so you don’t see any REAL excitement in the near future. And its okay because it has to be, and you take joy in the little things. Until you don’t, and then you write on your blog (that you wish could be full of exciting stories instead of diatribes about your boredom) about your thoughts and hope to find clarity and perhaps another person or two who feel the same.

Some days I genuinely don’t feel like doing anything. Well, actually that’s not true. If someone were to say “hey, wanna go to Europe (or anywhere really) for a few days??” I’d immediately pack and run out the door. But if it’s a choice of work, study, sleep, watch tv, read a book, go for a walk, eat something, go for a drive I’m all “meh.” I feel like Belle in Beauty in the Beast (I want much more than this provincial life! I want adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell. And for once it might be grand to have someone understand. I want so much more than they’ve got planned.) (though who “they” is in my life I do not know.)

I love my friends and I love M. I just wish there could be a little more oomph in every day. Perhaps that’s where alcohol comes in…

This weekend was good. I worked for part of the day on Saturday, then Jess and I got manicures. I’m sooo happy with mine. It’s truly the only one I’ve ever gotten that I actually really like. Then she came to my house and we got ready to go out for dinner and then bar hopping. I was hoping to show her and Derek an awesome good time, but unfortunately the bars were kinda lame. We still got pretty wasted though, which was fun.

Yesterday I hung around the house with M and studied. This weekend was really good for us. We didn’t argue once about anything. We were super affectionate and lovey (sneaking kisses, cuddling, smiling at each other sweetly when one of us walked into the room.) It was really, really nice.

The only…not bad, but not really good either…thing about when things are amazing and wonderful with M and I is that it makes me want to get engaged. I read blogs about other girls around my age getting engaged and see pictures of their rings, and I feel a tiny pang. I decided that the reasonable thing to do is concentrate on making myself an adult (responsible with money, finish school and get a good job, etc.) and then I’ll have the maturity to realize that marriage is not only about rings and dresses and weddings and introducing M as my fiance and telling people “O.M.GEEE I’m ENGAGED!” It’s a lifelong committment, the hardest job you’ll ever have, not always rainbows and sunshine, etc. But it’s also a partnership and love and growing old together OFFICIALLY and we’re already living together anyway and I’m in this for good, so really, what will change?

This is the convo that takes place when I bring up that line of thinking:
K: So really, what’s the difference?
M: Exactly my point. If there’s no difference, what’s the rush?
K: Because I’d like to have a 60th wedding anniversary. And not have ten years at the beginning of our relationship that “don’t count” because SOMEONE isn’t ready. Even though all logic (which you’re so fond of) points out that we are living like we are married.
M: Well, if we’re already living like we are, then can’t we just keep doing that? If it ain’t broke…you know?
K: But…but…
M: And besides, we can count the years before if we want. They might be the best years anyway.
K: WHAT??
M: I’m just being realistic.
K: Okay Mr. Realistic then think about the tax breaks! The benefits! You’re into stuff like that!
M: That is a good point…
K: *grins like a triumphant fool who has finally won this battle of wits*
M: But you’re into the line of reasoning that “we have the rest of our lives to be serious and pay bills, so what’s the rush?” Tax breaks go against what you’re looking for right now.
K: Ok, fine. Then we might as well never get married. If there’s no point then why waste the money and time?
M: That’s my girl!
K: Look, I’ve seen you with your niece, so I know you want kids. But if we don’t get married I don’t want to have kids.
M: Even cheaper.
K: *throws up hands in frustration and makes undecipherable loud grunting sound before stomping out of the room*

I am then followed and assured that yes it will happen, after school, when we have money, blah blah blah. I’m just impatient. And honestly, part of me really wants him to want it more so that I’m not the one gunning for it. Then I can sit back and smile because someone wants to marry ME, and they’ll have to wait until I’m good and ready.

The truth is, I’m not quite ready. But I’m almost there, which is scary and wonderful and all the better because the man I want to marry is already in my life and mine and loves me back. It doesn’t get much better than that now, does it?

Gotta get back to work…

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