Confession October 31, 2007Posted by Sparkel in M, meee, realizations.
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I don’t know if I want to be a mom.
I was just looking at photos of my friend and her two month old, and I kept thinking “aww, so cute! But I can’t imagine that being me.” It’s weird. My best friend has a baby, one of my other friends just had a baby, five of my cousins have babies (lots and lots of babies) and for a couple of my teenage years my sister and I were hopelessly attached to a friends three babies. I love babies. I love holding them, spending time with them. I love little toddlers and kids. I like to run around with them and play and revert to a three-year-old for an hour or two. But for whatever reason, that whole need or desire to have children and be a mom has never kicked in, even for a minute. If I’m with a baby and it starts to cry, I’m relieved that I can give it back to the parent. I’m happy that my time is my own, my money is my own, and most of all, that M and I met when we were young enough that the relationship and bond we continue to form will have years of uninterrupted just me and him time should we have kids.
I realize I’m still young, and have time for the mom-instinct to kick in. My mom had my brother when she was three months from being 30, and my younger sister when she was 35. Both my parents have told me that they didn’t feel ready at all. Logic (and M) tell me that I should be scared of the concept right now because I’m still in school, don’t make enough money, and honestly, don’t have the maturity or selflessness needed to handle it right now. But sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever feel ready.
I can imagine getting married, and every cliche that goes with it, like having a nice house with a big backyard and a nice grill so we can bbq on weekends with friends and family. That all in itself is kind of a miracle, because up until…well, M, I honestly thought I would never want to get married. My parents marriage scared the crap out of me. I’ve seen friends parents who seemed stable and in love get bitter divorces. I dated a few guys before M, and the way those relationships ended convinced me that maybe marriage is overrated and trite, and for naive people who will only get divorced anyway. Then I met M, and marriage seemed not only doable, but eventual; something to look forward to. I watch Married Away whenever it’s on and imagine my own wedding. I look wistfully at bride and wedding magazines. I already know who my bridesmaids will be, the color scheme and honeymoon locale. I’ve spent boring hours at work looking at engagement rings and wedding bands. When someone tells me “oh, so and so is pregnant” I feel terrified and somewhat numb when imagining myself being pregnant. When I hear about someone getting engaged I’m immediately all “awwwww” and “I can’t wait until that’s me.”
I remember when I was 16 or 17, and my bff Jess and I would talk about how when we finally turned 18 and then 21, we would go club and bar hopping every weekend. It’s amazing how things change in so little time. I never thought I would get married, let alone be with the person I plan to marry at 18. I never thought I would live with a boyfriend before 25. I was positive I would live at school, then live with friends and have non-stop girl nights. Now, at 22, I’m still in school, living with my boyfriend in a house we bought with his family. Nothing is what I thought it would be, and I can’t help but wonder who I would be and what I would be doing had I never met M. Would I be living with friends? Traveling? With someone else? I know I’ll never know. And I’m grateful for the stability and general adult-mindset that being with M has brought to my life. I’m grateful that he changed my mind about marriage, and gave me something to look forward to. And knowing that he wants kids, and will make an amazing father will hopefully help me to find that mother instinct I seem to be lacking thus far.
Oh, and this post is Halloween appropriate because…the thought of having kids scares me.
also…I’m loving the Geico Ben the Cabbage Patch doll commercial… too funny.
Fat no more October 29, 2007Posted by Sparkel in diet, friends.
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Last night M and I went to Jessie’s to carve pumpkins with her, Derek and Angela. We each had our own pumpkin (I carved M, and was told that it looked like a monkey) and then took pictures of them outside. It was a lot of fun.
Jess sent me the pictures, and while looking at them I realized that I need to get SERIOUS about my diet and going to the gym. Enough is definitely enough. I was going to make today my fresh start, but I kinda already had some Reeses PBCs and Smarties, so…tomorrow fo sho. I have today off, so I’m going to get some healthy food before my class tonight. Then tomorrow I’m going to pack a gym bag and keep it in the car, so I can go for an hour or so before work every morning. I think I also want to go a few nights a week too. I need to jump-start a healthy kick, cause…yea… it’s apparently much needed.
Feeling loved October 28, 2007Posted by Sparkel in friends, I kinda love my life, M.
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I came home yesterday to find M’s and my room spotless and roses in a vase next to my bed. Today I woke up to M holding my Starbucks drink and beaming. So sweet.
I’ve spent a lot of time lately feeling stressed and concentrating on crappy things that seem to keep happening. It’s really easy to forget or overlook all the good things that happen too.
Recently I’ve done a lot of thinking about my friend Nikki. She and I were best friends through middle school and high school, and then had a falling out a couple years ago. I’ve really missed her lately. She and I got back in touch a few months ago through myspace, and then when she came to visit some friends and family here (she lives in Florida now) I kinda blew her off. We cut off all contact after that, and lately I just really realized how fucked up I was. So I wrote her a message apologizing, and now we’re talking again. We’re planning a “phone date” that will hopefully happen soon. I feel really good about it.
My grandmother said “everyone has a million reasons to be miserable.” But I think a lot of people have a million reasons to be happy. I have the most amazing boyfriend and friends. I really truly do. They care about me, and make it clear all the time, and I’ve slacked on doing the same for them lately. I haven’t really talked to Jess all week, and I just miss her a lot. I miss Anna. I miss my sister. And I don’t need to miss them. I need to set aside time for the people who matter.
I’m making baby steps toward actually “living.” Cause really, I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.
Gotta do some studying…
Inertia October 26, 2007Posted by Sparkel in books & movies & shows, food for thought, M, meee, realizations.
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I wasn’t going to write about this, mostly because I was a little humiliated and stung afterward, but the other day M and I got into an argument and he told me that I’m “wasting my life.”
He said I don’t want to do anything to move forward and succeed in life. That I’m perfectly content with working at a job that bores me and has nothing to do with my field, I don’t put enough effort into school, and when I get home all I want to do is go online or watch TV. He said that there are times when he gets so frustrated that he can’t stand to be in the same room as me. That he can’t understand why I don’t see that I have all the potential it takes to do whatever I want to do, and that it breaks his heart that I just don’t try and seemingly don’t care.
It’s the first time anyone’s commented on my ambition (or lack thereof) and it’s been on my mind ever since. I’m not mad at him. My first reaction was to get defensive, but also for the first time in my life, I couldn’t come up with one comeback, one excuse. I just sat there, stunned and feeling ashamed.
Because the thing is…he’s right. I am lazy. I have dreams that are never realized. I’ve wanted to travel to Europe for YEARS. And when anyone asks why I haven’t, I have no real answer. I have a list of books I want to read, and piles and piles at home that remain untouched. I don’t feel like being in school. I just want that damn degree. But then what? Why do I stay at my job? I always said it’s because the pay is good and I have a flexible schedule, which is perfect while I’m in school. But I’m not getting the experience I’ll need here.
The other night M asked me “what would make you happy?” I’m slowly figuring it out. The one thing I know, and told him is: I want to work in TV or film. I’ve just always thought it’s unrealistic. And since the pessimist (or realist) in me has accepted that unfortunate fate, the closest I get is watching TV and reading about TV. And for right this second, that’s enough.
And then he showed me (again) why I love him.
He sighed, put his arm around my shoulders and said “if you want to work in TV or film, and that will make you happy, then you have to do it. And it’s not unrealistic. Hundreds of people do it. Not many people know what they want to do, ever. You know what you want, and you have a passion for it. If we have to live in New York or California, if you need to work 18 hour days, if we need to put off having kids, we’ll do it. I’d move anywhere with you, and do anything for you. I want you, and only you. And more than that, I want you to be happy.”
I hugged him, started to cry, and whispered “I’m sorry I’m such a failure and that I’ve wasted so much time. I am wasting my life.” He kissed my forehead and said “you aren’t a failure. You’re amazing and your smart and talented. You have more potential than anyone I know. You just need to do something with it.”
We watched The Office last night, and I told M “you know why I relate to Jim so much?”
He said “you are him.” I laughed and sighed and said “well, at least I’m not alone.”
Please tell me I’m not alone in feeling lost, sometimes ambition-less and sometimes just plain lazy.
A few of my favorites October 24, 2007Posted by Sparkel in hee.
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Randomly, these are a few of my favorite stories that have either happened to me or were told to me. Some of them probably won’t be amusing unless you a) were there or b) know the people involved, but whatev. I’m mostly writing so I’ll have something to go back and smile about when I have a bad day (because yes, sometimes I go back and read my own blog. I am that vain.)
* A casual friend in high school told me this story. She moved to the US from Africa when she was ten. Her family didn’t have a lot of money, so she didn’t have a lot of clothes. As a result, she wore the same pair of light gray sweatpants to school every day for the first two weeks. One day an obnoxious boy called her on it, and when she denied it (in an adorable accent) he took a black sharpie, and to prove himself right, drew a large X on one of the legs of her pants. She said that she’s not quite sure why (because she did have a couple other pants), but she wore the pants the next day, so the kid pointed to her and yelled that he was right and started laughing. She said it was the most traumatic experience of her childhood.
* When my brother was fifteen my dad got him a summer job at his work. One day they were at home arguing about some of the guys they worked with. My dad was trying to get my brother to remember a guy he was telling a story about, and my brother said “oh, that fat guy with the big head?” My sister walked in mid-sentence (she was about 10) and said (in the sweetest, angriest, most defensive tone you can imagine) “GOD SHANE! Why do you always have to make fun of dad??” It took a few seconds for them to catch on (I immediately began laughing my ass off) and my dad goes “Gee Deanna, that’s what you think of me? I’m just a fat guy with a big head?” She was so apologetic and upset. To this day, it’s probably the hardest I’ve ever laughed.
* My sister was somewhat strange as a child. We were staying at my cousins house when I was nine (making her 7) and she got one of those humongous lollipops:
My cousins had a rope swing in their backyard, which Deanna decided to climb on with the lollipop in hand. She had hair that went halfway down her back. I think you can tell where this is going. She got off the swing and walked over to us and wailed “my haaaaaiiiirrrr!!”, which was wrapped around the lollipop. My cousins and I could not stop laughing long enough to help her, so my grandmother came outside and tried to untangle her hair while asking her how she could be so dense.
Yesterday was lovely October 24, 2007Posted by Sparkel in I know life isn't supposed to be fair but jeez....
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First, I’m driving M to the metro. There is a group of kids standing at a crosswalk, and one of them decided to cross, even though there was a car (in front of me) going about 40 mph from 20 feet away. So, the car in front of me slams on his brakes, I slam on mine, and unfortunately the person behind me decided to slam into me. The car is okay (the bumper is completely scratched and dented and needs to be replaced), and M and I are okay, and the person who hit me is okay. She’s in high school and started crying when we got out. Reminded me of me at that age (because apparently I’m now 80.)
Then I went to the dentist and found out I need a root canal. WOOO! And because I don’t have insurance it’s going to be a whopping $2600.
So, lets recap the past month:
1) Lost half my job.
2) The whole fiasco with my car being towed and having that whole mess cost a good $350.
3) Getting rear-ended.
4) Needing a root canal and probably needing to sell my family into white slavery to pay for it (sorry guys, you will be missed <3)
I can’t wait to find out what’s coming next!
What the hell? October 22, 2007Posted by Sparkel in random.
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I just saw a commercial for car mp3 players that play when you talk at them. HOW LAZY ARE WE??? People can’t push a damn button themselves? “I can’t lift my poor arm and move it a foot in front of me. It’s just…too..far…”
Boy, the way Glen Miller played.
Songs that made the Hit Parade.
Guys like us, we had it made.
Those were the days!
Didn’t need no welfare state.
Everybody pulled his weight
Gee, our old LaSalle ran great.
Those were the days!
And you knew where you were then!
Girls were girls and men were men.
Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again.
People seemed to be content.
Fifty dollars paid the rent.
Freaks were in a circus tent.
Those were the days!
Take a little Sunday spin,
go to watch the Dodgers win.
Have yourself a dandy day that cost you under a fin.
Hair was short and skirts were long.
Kate Smith really sold a song.
I don’t know just what went wrong!
Those Were the Days!
(If you know what show that’s the theme for, I dub thee awesome.)
Oh bother… October 22, 2007Posted by Sparkel in meee, random.
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It’s very, very strange that certain things seem to be contagious. My bff’s friend had a realky bad toothache last week and needed a root canal, and when she told me I remember thinking “man, it’s been a while since I’ve been to the dentist, I hope something like that doesn’t happen to me.” Sure enough, Saturday night one of my teeth started throbbing, and now I can barely chew. I scheduled an appointment for tomorrow morning to have it checked out and get a cleaning. I’m kinda glad, cause it’s been a LONG time since I’ve been to the dentist (gross, I know, but I don’t have insurance! And I floss and use mouthwash every day!) It’s those damn macchiatos and my addiction to all things sugary. Now I’m going to be one of those people who brings a toothbrush and floss into work and have at it when I eat anything.
The sucky thing is that the dentist is not cheap. At all. And even if I can set up a payment plan…I’m kinda screwed. Meh…what else is new right now?
M and I decided to put El Salvador on hold. His mom is going for four months, which I’m kind of happy about (cause it’ll finally feel like MY house, instead of M’s family’s house, and let’s face it, in-laws can be a pain) and kind of angry about because we need to cover her part of the bills. I have so many issues with bills and the house and his family, but I won’t get into them now. I will focus on the good (I can cook and not feel guilty and not worry about being quiet upstairs and I’m saving money by not going to E.S. yet!) and say to hell with everything else.
The other day my BFF Jess and I had a conversation about why it’s so hard to just do what you know you should do. Like, I should save money…so why do I go shopping for stuff I don’t need? If I want to look like I want I should go to the gym and not eat that…but I always say “tomorrow.” I should really study today so I don’t need to stay up all night later this week…but I just feel like watching The Office or I Love New York (which they plan over and over and over) so I just won’t. Why do we make things so difficult for ourselves? My sister had this picture on her myspace that said “We all live in a hell we made for ourselves.” It’s so damn true.
Speaking of my sister, today is her 20th birthday! I can’t wait until she’s 21. We are going to drink like there is no tomorrow. (Aren’t I a good influence? 😀 )
Gotta get to work…
50 more things October 21, 2007Posted by Sparkel in meee, survey.
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you may not know about moi:
51. I love Friday Night Lights
52. which I find strange, considering my complete disinterest in football.
53. I think one of the greatest things about the show is the music, which is usually Explosions in the Sky.
54. I keep the theme song on my walkman phone and blast it while I’m running on the treadmill at the gym sometimes.
55. It makes me feel angst-ier.
56. The one thing I never questioned about religion and God is that everyone has a guardian angel.
57. I was so fascinated and comforted by the concept, that I actively sought out my angel when I was five.
58. When he finally “appeared” to me, he introduced himself as Blaine, and I talked to him about EVERYTHING throughout my entire childhood.
59. And even into my teen years.
60. The truth is, if I’m really upset or feel lonely I still talk to him.
61. To this day when I think of best friends throughout my life, I think of him.
62. And even though I know I was projecting his entire persona, I still feel grateful that I was imaginative enough to create someone who I have always felt understood by.
63. I’m afraid his entire “existence” makes me a little insane.
64. I’ve read that children with imaginary friends turn out to be more creative.
65. Adults with imaginary friends? Me thinks, not so much.
66. My sister and I know all the words to all the songs from the Disney movies of our childhood.
67. I’m listening to “Part of Your World” right now.
68. I wanted to be Belle when I was younger.
69. Mostly for the library.
70. Half of the time I really want to be engaged.
71. The other half of the time I’m terrified by the idea.
72. I really, really hope that I’m surprised when it happens.
73. And that I’m not disappointed by the way it happens.
74. And I’m really afraid that makes me materialistic or spoiled.
75. Though I am quite sure that if it’s M who’s proposing I’ll be ecstatic either way.
76. I want to get married before M’s brothers and sisters so our wedding is seen as special and not “oh jeez, another one?”
77. Which won’t happen, because M is the youngest by four years, and they all have significant others.
78. I do not feel this way about my own brother and sister.
79. I think my sister will get married first.
80. And that she will be the most beautiful bride you or I will ever see.
81. My entire life everyone has said that my sister is the pretty one and I’m the smart one.
82. I have never believed I was ugly because of it. I’ve always agreed-she is stunningly gorgeous.
83. But because of the “smart one” attribution to me, she has always believed that she’s stupid.
84. I think it’s stupid that we both just couldn’t be pretty and smart.
85. Because I honestly think we both are.
86. Most days I look in the mirror and think “could be better, but nothing to frown at.”
87. I truly think everyone has something about them that’s beautiful.
88. I have some of the greatest friends in the world.
89. Jess is an amazing mother and gives the best advice.
90. She’s been my best friend since high school.
91. And one of my closest since middle school.
92. Neither would have been half as fun without her.
93. Anna is worldy and kind.
94. And seriously the best co-worker in the world.
95. They will both be bridesmaids at my wedding and hopefully friends for life.
96. I love reading quotations and lyrics.
97. Especially while I’m at work.
98. I really should be working on my journalism midterm.
99. But I thought I’d bore you instead (you’re welcome 😀 )
100. And now M wants to eat. I love distractions more than most tasks.
Le sigh October 19, 2007Posted by Sparkel in books & movies & shows.
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How extraordinarily amazing was The Office tonight? Gaaahhh…I can’t not smile.
It’s nice that when money, work, school, etc. is pretty much blah, something can still make your day or give you something to look forward to. This is why I love TV. (Well, one of the many reasons.) TV does not care if you get fired, broken up with, things thrown at you, whatever. It will offer entertainment, comfort and smiles. I get more excited about Jim and Pam than I do about many, many other things. While this may be sad or pathetic or whatever… I dunno.
It seems fitting to quote a show here, so… from Cheers:
Everyone has one true love. It could be a person. It could be a thing. It doesn’t matter. As long as you love it completely and without judgment. You always find yourself coming back to your one true love.
I read that the other day and immediately realized that (as pathetic as it probably is) my one true love is my tv shows. I can watch them over and over, obsess over them, read about them… I read TWOP, where I post every now and again, and just feel so. goddamn. comforted in knowing that I’m not the only one who takes my love to this level. I hope that I am able to get a job in TV because I cannot imagine being truly happy doing anything else. Y’all probably think I am the biggest freak. But I am a happy freak, which is something 😀