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Inertia October 26, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in books & movies & shows, food for thought, M, meee, realizations.
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I wasn’t going to write about this, mostly because I was a little humiliated and stung afterward, but the other day M and I got into an argument and he told me that I’m “wasting my life.”

He said I don’t want to do anything to move forward and succeed in life.  That I’m perfectly content with working at a job that bores me and has nothing to do with my field, I don’t put enough effort into school, and when I get home all I want to do is go online or watch TV.  He said that there are times when he gets so frustrated that he can’t stand to be in the same room as me.  That he can’t understand why I don’t see that I have all the potential it takes to do whatever I want to do, and that it breaks his heart that I just don’t try and seemingly don’t care. 

It’s the first time anyone’s commented on my ambition (or lack thereof) and it’s been on my mind ever since.  I’m not mad at him.  My first reaction was to get defensive, but also for the first time in my life, I couldn’t come up with one comeback, one excuse.  I just sat there, stunned and feeling ashamed. 

Because the thing is…he’s right.  I am lazy.  I have dreams that are never realized.  I’ve wanted to travel to Europe for YEARS.  And when anyone asks why I haven’t, I have no real answer.  I have a list of books I want to read, and piles and piles at home that remain untouched.  I don’t feel like being in school.  I just want that damn degree.  But then what?  Why do I stay at my job?  I always said it’s because the pay is good and I have a flexible schedule, which is perfect while I’m in school.  But I’m not getting the experience I’ll need here.  

The other night M asked me “what would make you happy?”  I’m slowly figuring it out.  The one thing I know, and told him is:  I want to work in TV or film.  I’ve just always thought it’s unrealistic.  And since the pessimist (or realist) in me has accepted that unfortunate fate, the closest I get is watching TV and reading about TV.  And for right this second, that’s enough. 

And then he showed me (again) why I love him.

He sighed, put his arm around my shoulders and said “if you want to work in TV or film, and that will make you happy, then you have to do it.  And it’s not unrealistic.  Hundreds of people do it.  Not many people know what they want to do, ever.  You know what you want, and you have a passion for it.  If we have to live in New York or California, if you need to work 18 hour days, if we need to put off having kids, we’ll do it.  I’d move anywhere with you, and do anything for you.  I want you, and only you.  And more than that, I want you to be happy.”

I hugged him, started to cry, and whispered “I’m sorry I’m such a failure and that I’ve wasted so much time.  I am wasting my life.”  He kissed my forehead and said “you aren’t a failure.  You’re amazing and your smart and talented.  You have more potential than anyone I know.  You just need to do something with it.”

We watched The Office last night, and I told M “you know why I relate to Jim so much?”
He said “you are him.”  I laughed and sighed and said “well, at least I’m not alone.”

Please tell me I’m not alone in feeling lost, sometimes ambition-less and sometimes just plain lazy.

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