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Relationship survey November 29, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in M, meee, survey.
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I couldn’t think of one interesting thing to write, and frankly I’m bored, so…my apologies; another survey:

1. Who eats more? 
He does, by far.

2. Who said “I love you” first?
Hmm… our first “I love you” came about because I was singing “Can’t Help Falling in Love” to him one night, and I jokingly said “what about you?” after the chorus, and he took my face in his hands and said “sweetie, I think I already am in love with you.”  So, if you count that, he did.  The next day we were laying on his bed watching TV and I just randomly said “M?” (him: “yeah?”) “I love you” (see him smile out of the corner of my eye as he takes his time to say “I love you too.”)  But thankfully, it was very mutual, which is good because we said it very early (about a month into our relationship.)  I guess it’s true that when you know, you know.

3. Who is the morning person?
I guess I am, because I’m pretty cheerful as soon as I fully wake up.  I’m very chatty in the car in the morning, and he usually comments that he doesn’t know how I have so much energy in the morning.  But he has an easier time waking up.

4. Who sings better?
He’s more adorable when he sings, but neither of us can carry much of a tune.

5. Who’s older?
He is, by one year and six days.

6. Who’s smarter?
We are both very intelligent in our own ways.

7. Whose temper is worse? 

Mine, by far.  M doesn’t have much of a temper at all.

8. Who does the laundry?
We either take turns or I do it to make life easier for him cause I have more free time.

9. Who does the dishes?
We take turns or just use the dishwasher.

10. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? 
He does most nights, but we switch every once in a while.

11. Whose feet are bigger?
His

12. Whose hair is longer?
Mine

13. Who’s better with the computer? 
I type faster and know the internet better, but he knows more about word processing things.

14. Do you have pets?
Whenever someone asks this, he says his sister, so…his words, not mine.

15. Who pays the bills? 
He takes care of the utilities, we pay an equal share of the rent, I pay our phone and gym, and we take care of our own credit cards/cars/insurance, etc.

16. Who cooks dinner?
I do.

17. Who drives when you are together? 

We take turns.

18. Who pays when you go out to dinner? 
He usually insists, but sometimes I’m able to grab the check first.  He gets very insulted if I don’t let him pay.

19. Who’s the most stubborn?
We’re both Taurus’s, so technically we are both very stubborn.  But in reality, probably me.

20. Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong? 
I am.

21. Whose family do you see more?
We live with his, so probably them, but we see my family more…recreationally I suppose.

22. Who named your pet? 

Hee, I guess I’d have to say his mom.

23. Who kissed who first? 
I kissed him first.  It was at the end of our first date, and he was so surprised that I wondered if maybe I misread the situation, and it was a friend thing.  Turned out he was just shy, and made up for it on our next date.

24. Who asked who out?
He asked me out (hence my confusion about the kiss.)

26. Who’s more sensitive?
I am, definitely.

27. Who’s taller?
He is (in heels too!.)

28. Who has more friends?
Me.

29. Who has more siblings? 
He has four to my two, so him.

30. Who wears the pants in the relationship?
We both do, in different situations.  There is a lot of mutual respect in our relationship.

Floating around in my head November 27, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in Uncategorized.
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I’m so not giving up Starbucks.  My body won’t let me.  My brain was all “nooo, think of the New! You!” and my body was all “fuck you, I need caffeine and caramely-goodness” and I found myself standing in line for my fix this morning.  I’m afraid my addiction is beyond help.

I’m dreading the end of this season of the Hills.  Mostly because all of my beloved shows are MIA until the strike is over, so stupid reality shows are my only source of entertainment right now.  Do I realize how much of my life and happiness revolve around TV?  Well…yeah.  What are you, new?

Things with M are seriously wonderful right now.  We haven’t so much as bickered in FIVE DAYS (you know you’re impressed 😀 )  I think it’s mainly because a) I hate fighting during holidays and b) the Friends Thanksgiving dinner, where my friends boyfriends were late and high and unapologetic and somewhat rude and selfish made my boy look oh so good by comparison.  He was as repulsed as I was, helped me clean up, and made nice with everyone despite the desire to be as rude.  Seriously, by the time they left, I was all coo-ing and giving M the googly eyes because I was so happy that he’s just… how he is.  I severely lucked out y’all.

I really enjoy being a stereotypical, old-fashioned “housewife” kinda gal.  I enjoy cleaning the house, doing our laundry, and making big meals and desserts.  I understand the whole “why should women have to do all of the house chores?” mentality, but I secretly love the feeling of “I’m taking care of my fella” that comes with doing it.  It helps that M is all about helping and doing dishes, taking out the garbage, giving me amazing foot massages while we’re watching TV at the end of a long day, etc.

I keep having dreams about my year-end bonus.  In one dream I got $100.  In another I got $300.  In the last dream I got $10,000, and was so disappointed when I started to wake up.  I’m getting it today, and it’s all I can think about.

So I should probably do what I actually get paid to do.  More later.

The New! Me! November 26, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in friends, I kinda love my life, meee.
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Horrible dreams and a newfound paralyzing fear of being abandoned aside, the weekend was pretty good.

M and I spent Thanksgiving at my parents.  My dad decided to talk politics at the table, which led to an argument and my sister stomping off in a huff.  Fortunately things were resolved.  My family always provides entertainment, I will give them that.

Saturday night some friends came over for “Friends Thanksgiving.”  It was pretty fun.  Anna and Kate’s boyfriends and a couple other guys were really late, which turned out to be because they were smoking weed (*sigh*…seriously guys?  We’re not in high school…and they aren’t even in college anymore.)  We waited for them, so Jess, Derek and Angela couldn’t even eat because they had to leave, which made me REALLY mad.  All in all, I decided to appreciate the night for the fun it did offer and to never have them over again.  And if any of them ever host a dinner, I will be sure to be four hours late.  That way, revenge will be the dish served as cold as their dinner.

I spent most of yesterday lounging, then shopping, then with my M.  I got some new placemats and a few new small plates for the kitchen, and some clothes for M and I.  We ordered pizza and watched Hostel 2.  It was a very nice weekend.

Today is Day 1 of the New! Me!  I’m going to the gym after work today for about an hour.  I looked at the schedule for the free fitness classes they offer,  and decided to start going to yoga, pilates and kickboxing when I can.  I took yoga last semester, and really liked it.  It’s supposed to help with depression, so…I’ll take all the help I can get.

My mood has improved some though.  I’m trying so hard to focus on the good and make plans and lists and fill my days up with a balance of some things I have to do and some things I want to do.  I want to be happy.  I want to be healthy.  I want to have a body that allows me to wear anything and feel comfortable.  I want to feel like I’m making progress.

Gotta get to work…

I built a home for you, for me… Until it disappeared from you, from me. November 24, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in I really don't know life at all, M, meee, realizations.
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I woke up to tears streaming down my face and a soaking wet pillow a couple nights ago.  I felt like I couldn’t breathe and had to stifle a scream.  It’s no secret that I am very picky and very angry about the house and the people in it.  Just the other post was all about my unhappiness and complaints.  What I didn’t write is that I’m driving M insane.  He loves me, very very much.  I do not realize this nearly as much as I should.  But my constant negativity and reminders that the house wasn’t my idea and that I did him an enormous favor by moving in is weighing on him and us.  Truth be told, I haven’t given much thought to his perspective.  I am, after all, the victim in all of this, as we all tend to be victims in situations we find ourselves in.  It’s so difficult to put yourself in someone else’s shoes.  To really emphasize and see that they are a person with thoughts and needs and feelings just like you.  We know it, but we don’t really realize it like we should.  I’ve spent a lot of time thinking of myself as compassionate.  Thinking of myself as a good girlfriend…hell, a great girlfriend.  I know I love him.  I know I show it in many ways.  But I realized just the other night that I need to back off and learn to accept what I cannot change.

I dreamt that I grew more and more unhappy with the house and my life in general.  I constantly pointed out the things I bought and contributed and demanded recognition and gratitude.  If I didn’t get it, or was met with eyerolls, I would flip out.  I ostracized everyone. Finally, M had it too.  I came home to find his and his family’s bags packed.  They said that they would continue paying their share of the bills until I got on my feet, but that they just couldn’t live with me and my negativity anymore.  Karla, her boyfriend, and their mom left, and M was getting his things together.  I grabbed his hand, pleading with him to understand my side, all “don’t go!” and “I love you!” and “I’ll be better, I promise!!” to no avail.  He told me that he loved the girl he met, but that I’m not that girl anymore, that she was replaced by an angry shell.  He said “you’re just like your mom now,” and told me that because I was so obsessed with the things I bought for the house he was leaving all of it, including everything I ever got for him.  I said “don’t you want to remember me at all?” and he sighed and shook his head and said he was sorry and that he had to go.  He shut the door, and I slumped to the floor and just sobbed and cried.  The dream then jumped ahead to a significant amount of time later.  I got home from work to a completely quiet house, made myself a dinner for one, sat down at the table by myself and looked around and knew I was completely alone. 

Then I woke up.

Many things contributed to this dream.  The strain on my relationship with M, my anger about the house alienating everyone, not wanting to be negative and push everyone away like my mom, and most of all this beautiful song that makes me cry everytime I hear it:

There is a house built out of stone
Wooden floors, walls and window sills…
Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust..
This is a place where I don’t feel alone
This is a place where I feel at home…….

Cause, I built a home
for you
for me

Until it disappeared
from me
from you

And now, it’s time to leave and turn to dust……..

Out in the garden where we planted the seeds
There is a tree as old as me
Branches were sewn by the color of green
Ground had arose and passed it’s knees

By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top
I climbed the tree to see the world
When the gusts came around to blow me down
I held on as tightly as you held onto me
I held on as tightly as you held onto me……

Cause, I built a home
for you
for me

Until it disappeared
from me
from you

And now, it’s time to leave and turn to dust…

It’s time to make changes.  For real this time.  To my attitude, my body, thoughts, outlook, priorities, etc.  The only thing that doesn’t need changing is M, who loves me for me and hopefully will not get to the breaking point if I stop making it so damn easy. 

Thankful November 21, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in I kinda love my life, meee.
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I am thankful…

…that I am working full time again at my job, which can be boring at times, but I am grateful for the money and my boss, who is nice, and my coworker, who is fun to chat with.

…for my friends, who never fail to show support, offer fun distractions, and make me feel good about myself.

…that things with my family are good right now, and that for the most part everyone is getting along with everyone.  This hasn’t happened in YEARS.

…that, despite all the complaining I do, I have a house that will (hopefully) benefit M and I in the future.

…for M.  He’s my best friend, support system, ally, confidante and puts up with all of my neurosis.  He takes care of me as much as I take care of him, and I’m thankful that he’s shared his life with me for the past four years.  I am thankful that he wants four more as much as I do.

Happy Turkey Day everyone!

I am flawed. But so are others. Also, I like to rant. November 20, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in annoyances, meee.
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Psychoanalyzing yourself can be fun.  I think it’s impossible to not know the truth about why you are the way you are, and why you do the things you do.  Even if we don’t want to admit it, we have faults, nasty thoughts, bad feelings or habits we know we need to break and really have no excuse for.  I truly believe that it’s impossible to not recognize just how screwed up parts of me really are.

I feel like a work in progress.  And a question I’ve pondered is whether it’s always going to feel like this.  Will I ever feel “finished”?  I have always looked at most adults, and even certain peers, and thought that they had it together.  They know where they’ve been, where they’re going, and they know how to make themselves happy.  Is it true about anyone?  I like the idea that we are always growing and learning about ourselves, and the people and world around us.  But is there a time when the introspection as far as “what makes me happy?” stops and a level of satisfaction and contentedness is reached?  Is it normal to always want more, and to never be quite happy with what you have?  I really, really hope not.

M’s mom left over the weekend.  She’s not coming back until late February.  I would be lying if I said I’m not happy.  I feel like a weights been lifted.  But, the past couple days I was reminded that the house is in fact, not mine and M’s, but other people’s too.  His sister fought hard for a house with a basement.  She would not accept anything else.  And she doesn’t even pay more for it, but that’s another rant for another day.  M wanted to get a pool table and asked if he could put it downstairs in her “living room,” and she immediately said no because it’s “hers.”  Ok, fine.  But now, her “living room” has a crappy couch and a twin mattress that she took from the guest room bed and threw on the floor as another couch.  Basically, it looks like total crap.  While their mom was still here, Karla (sister) and her boyfriend spent most of their time downstairs in their basement.  They really only came up to eat M’s mom’s food, and the retreated.  So, naturally (or naively) I assumed that when his mom left, things would be wonderful, because now M and I would have the first and second floors pretty much to ourselves, and that Karla and her boyfriend would use the kitchen to cook and eat.

*sigh*…will I never learn?

They are now in our living room ALL. THE. TIME.  They sit on the couches, watch the big TV, mess up the kitchen, and leave food everywhere.  This is something that his mom did too, and it drives me insane.  They leave food on the stove in pots and pans overnight.  My mom was a neat freak.  Our entire house was immaculate when I was growing up.  She hates bugs, hates clutter, and hates when people leave food out.  I don’ t think I have a lot in common with my mom, and I am a bit messier than her, but I definitely inherited her distaste for bugs and a messy kitchen.  I HAAAAATE that they leave food out.  We have roaches in our kitchen.  Every night I kill at least one.  It’s disgusting.  And when I say something, or wrap the food and try to put it in the fridge, I’m ignored, or the food is put right back out.  It’s annoying.

I’ve learned that it’s the little tiny things that get on your nerves and slowly drive you insane when you’re living with someone.  Example:  I reorganized every cabinet in the kitchen so they look organized.  We have about a billion plates, so I put them in piles according to matching sets and sizes, and put them away.  I put the glasses all together in neat rows.  I put the pots with the pots, and the pans with the pans.  All anyone else would have to do it actually open their eyes and see what goes where and put it away accordingly.  I don’t think it’s difficult, but apparently it’s damn near impossible because every week, every cabinet is a complete mess.  The silverware tray has slots for forks, spoons and knives.  How hard is it to put each in the correct slot?  And yet every time I open the damn drawer forks are with knives and spoons are with forks and it drives me crazy.  Or, I have two sponges.  One for washing dishes, one for wiping down the counter.  Why do you need BOTH to wash dishes?  And not just plates, but greasy pots and pans so the sponge is ruined?  Perhaps I am a little anal retentive about these things.  But the fact is, I not only organize and clean everything, but I’m the one who bought all of these things, save a couple plates and some pots and pans.  Do you have any idea how annoying it is to watch someone who contributes absolutely nothing not only use your stuff like it’s theirs, but then just throw it into a cabinet after obviously knowing that it’s been organized.  It’s not too hard to tell when someone has cleaned something.  And the fridge…oh that damn fridge.  It’s already on the small side.  So I rearranged the shelves, and put everything in places that I thought made sense.  The drinks are all on the bottom, the eggs and wine and cheese drawer are in the middle, and butter and other miscellaneous things are on the top.  They take little bits of food and wrap it in tinfoil and just throw it anywhere.  They will take a lime, cut it in half, and put it down in front of all of the drinks.  So if you want milk, for example, you need to pick up the lime so it doesn’t fall on the floor.  Something so small, but so damn annoying.

Last night, after already being irritated and in a foul mood in general, I open the fridge to find a pot sitting in front of all of the drinks.  I sigh, then try to move it to the top shelf, and it’s bean soup filled completely to the brim, so it spills all over the fridge and floor.  It is so much to ask that you somehow warn people “btw, this pot is extremely full so be careful.”  Or if you know it’s that full, and that people will inevitably be thirsty and need to move it out of the way, why don’t you put it so that it’s already out of the way??  I don’t get it.

I know they’re not my family.  But so many things they do are just completely illogical or selfish.  Like, Karla, who has a bathroom in her had-to-have basement, CONSTANTLY uses the guest bathroom on the first floor.  She leaves hair stuff and UNDERWEAR on the counter on a daily basis.  What the hell??  I just don’t get it…

M tells me to be happy with what I have.  I’m all seriously?  All I have are headaches everywhere I turn.  And what kills me is that I cannot say anything.  They pay for the house too, so they have as much right to it as I do.  I have commented on the leaving food out and guest bathroom, but as far as them being upstairs?  Nothing I can really say.

This post went off into a random tangent for which I am sorry.  Gotta get to work!

Survey November 15, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in survey.
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*I give you money and send you into the grocery store to pick up 5 items. You can only pick one thing from the following departments.. what is it?

1. Frozen food- ice cream
2. Dairy- cheeeese
3. Snacks- Traditional Chex Mix
4. Fruits & veggies- strawberries
5. Meat- flank steak

* Let’s say we’re heading out for a weekend getaway. You’re only allowed to bring 3 outfits with you. So, what’s in your bag?

1. sundress and sandals
2. hot jeans, tank top, sandal-heels
3. hoodie, comfy jeans and my etnies

* If I was to listen in on one of your conversations throughout the day, what 5 phrases or words would I be most likely to hear?

1. “caramel macchiato”/”starbucks”
2. “love you too”
3. “good morning/afternoon, law offices”
4. “I want to watch the Office.”
5. “O.M.Geeee”

* So, what 3 things do you find yourself doing every single day, and if you didn’t get to do, you’d probably be in a pretty irritable/bad mood?

1. sleep
2. watch some tv/get online
3. go outside

* What are 3 things that you have in your room that have been with you for the longest amount of time?

1. my glo baby
2. my TV
3. My worn down copy of “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”

* If you were only allowed to listen to 5 of your CDs for the rest of your life, never adding anything else, which 5 could you listen to & be content with?

1. mixed CD with lots of my favorite songs
2. Brand New- Deja Entendu
3. Brand New- Your Favorite Weapon
4. Dashboard Confessional- The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most
5. The Beatles- One

* You are driving down the road, and suddenly you’re hit with this sense of road rage. What 3 factors probably contributed to it?

1. tail-gaters
2. being cut off/others being cut off
3. slow drivers who won’t let you pass

* Sweet, you just scored a whole afternoon to yourself. We’re talking a 3 hour block with nobody around. What 5 activities might we find you doing?

1. watch TV
2. watch DVD’s
3. read
4. look at my favorite sites online
5. listen to songs and sing and dance

* We’re going to the zoo. But, it looks like it could start storming, so it’ll have to be a quick visit. What 3 exhibits do we have to get to?

1. pandas
2. monkeys
3. koalas

* You just scored tickets to the taping of any show of your choice. You can pick between 5, so what are you deciding between?

1. The Office
2. Friday Night Lights
3. Conan!
4. The Daily Show
5. The Colbert Report

* You’re hungry for ice cream. I’ll give you a triple dipper ice cream cone. What 3 flavors can I pile on for ya?

1. cake batter
2. birthday party
3. chocolate chip cookie dough

* Somebody stole your purse/wallet…in order to get it back, you have to name 5 things you know are inside to claim it. So, what’s in there?

1. rainbow wallet
2. keys for work
3. orange walkman phone
4. MAC lip gloss
5. little notes to myself

* You are at a job fair, and asked what areas you are interested in pursuing a career in. Let’s pretend you have every talent and ability to be whatever you wanted, so what 4 careers would be fun for you?

1. Film Critic
2. rate hotels and food around the world
3. writer
4. superhero

Sometimes it’s the little things November 14, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in meee, realizations.
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I drove my dad to the MVA this morning and he, unprovoked, told me that he’s proud of me.

I went to my favorite Starbucks on the way to work. There are these two women who work there who I seriously adore. One is older and southern and knows my name and remembers details about where I work, what I do and exactly how to make my drink. The other is young and Russian with an adorable accent, and very sweet. She was there this morning, and while we were chatting while she made my drink she smiled and said “I like making this drink for you more than anyone because I know it makes you happy. It’s nice that even if you work here you can make someone smile like you smile.” So random and so, so sweet. I thanked her sincerely, and told her that I look forward to coming there every morning, and that it’s nice to start the day talking to someone so nice all the time.

I came to work and the paralegal gave me her old monitor because she got a new one, and hers is a lot bigger, so now I can actually see what I’m writing or reading.

I wrote a huge ranting email to Jess yesterday and she wrote one back that’s even longer than mine was, full of compliments and consoling words.

I was sweeping the kitchen after dinner, and M walked in, and without a word walked over to the closet and got the dustpan so he could pick up the pile I was making.  After he threw it away, I smiled, and said thank you as he kissed my forehead and then said “no my babylove, thank you.”

Even though life can be infuriating, difficult, or sad for no reason in particular I am grateful for the little things that happen everyday that I tend to overlook.

Sigh November 13, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in I really don't know life at all, meee.
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For the record, I have always thought that depression is kinda bullshit.

I took psychology my freshman year, and heard lectures about chemical imbalances, and how depression is a detectable, diagnosable, real thing that should not be taken lightly. I still internally scoffed and rolled my eyes, thinking “if people in Darfur can live without chemical imbalances, I think the middle and upper-middle class in this country will be alright.”

Now…not so sure.

I’m not sure quite what happened. I was happy. Like, disgustingly, people needed to tell me to calm down, happy. I fell in love, cut people who just weren’t doing it for me anymore, moved away from my crazy family, had money in the bank and started college. I felt unstoppable and unflappable. Then, my smile started to fade, and starting up a new one took more effort that it probably should. I started thinking negatively, scowling more often and wanting more time alone. I think it started with the falling out with M’s mom and sister. I went from being adored to whispered about while dirty looks were shot my way. M and I stuck it through, but it (obviously) put a strain on our relationship. I felt betrayed, lonely and angry. I cannot put into words how horrible it was, how much it hurt, and how much I’m still not over it. Of course, continuing to live with them doesn’t help.

The other night Karla (M’s sister) was in a pretty bad car accident with her boyfriend. He hurt his neck and back pretty badly, and was rushed to the hospital. M and I went to meet them, and she was crying uncontrollably, so I gave her a big hug and tried to console her. When M and I were leaving she gave me another big hug and tearfully told me that she’s sorry for ever doing anything to offend me, and promised that things are going to be different. It was nice to (finally) hear. But part of me feels like it’s just too little too late. Mostly I was just a little bit alarmed at how unphased I was by the whole accident and tearful apology in general. I feel like if a machine were monitoring my brain waves, the line would remain steady.

This is sort of where the “I think I’m depressed” theories begin. For a while now I’ve felt just…out of it. Not into work. Not into school. Whenever a friend asks me to do something, anything, my initial reaction is “I don’t feel like it.” Roadtrips to Key West, Boston and New York City this past year? Didn’t feel like it. Spending all night dancing in bars I thought I loved? Eh, maybe next time. Even small things, like coffee dates or dinner just seem so draining. I can’t explain it. I’ve even been avoiding M. I spend a lot of time holed up in either our room or the office watching TV, DVD’s or napping. I know things are due for school, and while I get most things in on time, I do not put in 100%. I cannot bring myself to stay at work past 3pm, which is completely illogical because all I do when I leave is drive straight home and watch TV and fall asleep until I pick up M. I see other people making the most out of their lives. Trying hard in school, going to graduate school, making six figures. I watch the super-successful on TV and just live vicariously through them. I feel like I live vicariously through everyone, and what worries me the most is how much I don’t care. How many times a day I shrug, sigh and just wish I were under the covers with the shades pulled down.

Psychoanalyzing myself, I know what I’m doing. I’m living through other people and things. Life is good when I dream; hence sleep. Life is ignorable when I’m watching TV. What I can’t figure out is how to snap out of it. How to go back to feeling passionate and motivated. I know the best thing I can do right now (other than get a prescription for Prozac) is just do the things I know I should do, and hope my mentality will take care of itself. But I cannot bring myself to start. I can feel things slipping away. It’s most noticeable when I’m talking to people who knew me when I was who I was. Jess or M or my sister will try to have conversations, and I care and want to get into it and just…feel again, but I cannot bring myself to do it. I feel numb and at the same time like I’m underwater just struggling and kicking but I never manage to go up any. I feel like I’m suffocating. And I hate it and I’m ashamed of it because of how nice my life is and how easy I have it. When I want to complain, I’ve got nothin really. That’s probably the most frustrating part. I know something’s wrong but I don’t know what it is, so I don’t know how to fix it. I can’t tell if I need a kick in the ass or just someone who will sit there while I uncontrollably sob for a few hours. Maybe both. I just don’t want to feel this way anymore.

Gushing about my BFF November 9, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in friends.
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I was reading through some of the questions and ideas on this site and found one that I liked, so…here goes.

Tell us about somebody who has changed your life, even if just a little bit.

“There are so many different ways to be connected to people. There are the people you feel this unspoken connection to, even though there’s not even a word for it. There’s the people who you’ve known forever who know you in this way that other people can’t because they’ve seen you change.  They’ve let you change.”  –My So-Called Life

I moved to Maryland when I was 12. I started 7th grade at a middle school that went 6th-8th, so most of the kids already knew each other. In fact, many of them knew each other since kindergarten, which was intimidating. I met Jessie my first week there. I can’t remember exactly how our first conversation started. We had math together, she sat one row over, one seat back. There was a hilariously obnoxious guy who sat behind me (and next to her.) He would make comments and we would both laugh, which led to exchanging smiles, and after a while we started talking and became friends. We bonded over a shared sense of humor (entirely based on “what-if” scenarios and random things that always seemed to happen when we got together) and our unrequited feelings for stupid oblivious boys. We talked in class, then had lunch together sometimes, then hung out after school and would spend hours on the phone. By high school I considered her to be one of my closest friends, and the only friend I felt truly accepted and understood by.

I have so many wonderful and hilarious memories of her and our friendship. So many sleepovers and weekends spent hanging out. Lunch together in high school. Making fun of so many people. After graduating from high school we hung out every night. I would pick her up at 9, then we’d go to Starbucks and walk around for a little bit in Barnes and Noble. We have spent so much time at Barnes and Noble it’s kind of ridiculous. I had a crush on two guys who worked there, so we would spy on them, or read horoscope or relationship books, or play random songs for each other in the music section. After B&N we would usually go to play pool at this kinda dingy little hole in the wall place. We would make fun of the guys there (who unapologetically STARED) and laugh at how horribly we played (every time we went someone would inevitably ask if it was our first time playing…never failed.) Then we would go somewhere to walk around, or swing on the swings at a park near her house. We talked about anything and everything and nothing. She made an effort to meet every guy I liked, and was always happy for me or sad with me when appropriate. She was the first person I called, sobbing, when my first boyfriend broke up with me. She was also my partner in crime when we egged his house (two nights in a row!) She was the first person who knew I had feelings for M, and came over to help me get ready for our big Valentine’s date right after we met. She was the first person I got drunk with, the first person I snuck out with, and the keeper of most of my secrets. She talked me through friendships ending, crushes that would never become more, family difficulties and insecurities. She never once judged me for any of it. We talked about getting married and having kids and being neighbors, and I never doubted for a second that she would be there for all of it. She let me be there when she found out she was pregnant. And when I was a not-so-wonderful friend and really into my new relationship with M, she forgave me for it. She asked me to be a godmother to Angela, something (and someone) I’ll cherish forever. She’s the one person who I feel completely comfortable saying ANYTHING to. She knows more about me than anyone else, but what I don’t think she knows (probably because I don’t say this half as much as I should) is that she is my very best friend, and my favorite friend, and I don’t know what I would do without her. She gives the most amazing advice, and is able to listen for endless bouts of time. She makes an effort to be a good friend too. She’s given me countless cards and notes and little gifts to let me know she cares. She gets angry and defensive when someone doesn’t treat me right. She’s the only one who won’t give M credit for me getting my stuff together and going to college, but instead credits me. She makes an effort to get along with my family (who adores her) and with M (who talks to her, a big thing for quiet him!)  She’s gone on family trips with us.  She’s seen me at my best and at my worst; laughing and crying.  She points out the good things about me, and is never petty or jealous or mean. Look up “friend” in the dictionary, and you can read even more about her.

I don’t think she’s told this anywhere near enough, but she is seriously awesome and wonderful. She’s beautiful, inside and out. She’s hilarious and warm and caring. She’s a seriously amazing mom. She has so much love to give, and she’s willing to just spread it around to anyone who needs it. She puts up with so much, and yet stays strong (and gets stronger.) Her family is unnecessarily hard on her, which is ridiculous because of how hard she works and tries. She does not have it easy, but still manages to have fun, maintain friendships, and be a great friend. Anyone who knows her is lucky, and anyone who lets her go is a fool.

When I think about our friendship, I’m struck by how different and similar we are at the same time. We are interested in different things, and have different experiences, but our opinions on things like friendship, love, and the way people should be treated is the same. I cannot put into words how much she means to me, and how lost and lonely I would feel without her. I feel so lucky to have her, not only in my life, but as my best friend for life.