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I built a home for you, for me… Until it disappeared from you, from me. November 24, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in I really don't know life at all, M, meee, realizations.
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I woke up to tears streaming down my face and a soaking wet pillow a couple nights ago.  I felt like I couldn’t breathe and had to stifle a scream.  It’s no secret that I am very picky and very angry about the house and the people in it.  Just the other post was all about my unhappiness and complaints.  What I didn’t write is that I’m driving M insane.  He loves me, very very much.  I do not realize this nearly as much as I should.  But my constant negativity and reminders that the house wasn’t my idea and that I did him an enormous favor by moving in is weighing on him and us.  Truth be told, I haven’t given much thought to his perspective.  I am, after all, the victim in all of this, as we all tend to be victims in situations we find ourselves in.  It’s so difficult to put yourself in someone else’s shoes.  To really emphasize and see that they are a person with thoughts and needs and feelings just like you.  We know it, but we don’t really realize it like we should.  I’ve spent a lot of time thinking of myself as compassionate.  Thinking of myself as a good girlfriend…hell, a great girlfriend.  I know I love him.  I know I show it in many ways.  But I realized just the other night that I need to back off and learn to accept what I cannot change.

I dreamt that I grew more and more unhappy with the house and my life in general.  I constantly pointed out the things I bought and contributed and demanded recognition and gratitude.  If I didn’t get it, or was met with eyerolls, I would flip out.  I ostracized everyone. Finally, M had it too.  I came home to find his and his family’s bags packed.  They said that they would continue paying their share of the bills until I got on my feet, but that they just couldn’t live with me and my negativity anymore.  Karla, her boyfriend, and their mom left, and M was getting his things together.  I grabbed his hand, pleading with him to understand my side, all “don’t go!” and “I love you!” and “I’ll be better, I promise!!” to no avail.  He told me that he loved the girl he met, but that I’m not that girl anymore, that she was replaced by an angry shell.  He said “you’re just like your mom now,” and told me that because I was so obsessed with the things I bought for the house he was leaving all of it, including everything I ever got for him.  I said “don’t you want to remember me at all?” and he sighed and shook his head and said he was sorry and that he had to go.  He shut the door, and I slumped to the floor and just sobbed and cried.  The dream then jumped ahead to a significant amount of time later.  I got home from work to a completely quiet house, made myself a dinner for one, sat down at the table by myself and looked around and knew I was completely alone. 

Then I woke up.

Many things contributed to this dream.  The strain on my relationship with M, my anger about the house alienating everyone, not wanting to be negative and push everyone away like my mom, and most of all this beautiful song that makes me cry everytime I hear it:

There is a house built out of stone
Wooden floors, walls and window sills…
Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust..
This is a place where I don’t feel alone
This is a place where I feel at home…….

Cause, I built a home
for you
for me

Until it disappeared
from me
from you

And now, it’s time to leave and turn to dust……..

Out in the garden where we planted the seeds
There is a tree as old as me
Branches were sewn by the color of green
Ground had arose and passed it’s knees

By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top
I climbed the tree to see the world
When the gusts came around to blow me down
I held on as tightly as you held onto me
I held on as tightly as you held onto me……

Cause, I built a home
for you
for me

Until it disappeared
from me
from you

And now, it’s time to leave and turn to dust…

It’s time to make changes.  For real this time.  To my attitude, my body, thoughts, outlook, priorities, etc.  The only thing that doesn’t need changing is M, who loves me for me and hopefully will not get to the breaking point if I stop making it so damn easy. 

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Comments»

1. Idetrorce - December 15, 2007

very interesting, but I don’t agree with you
Idetrorce

2. sandrar - September 10, 2009

Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. 🙂 Cheers! Sandra. R.


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