How I know I’m just a little sheltered April 24, 2008Posted by Sparkel in traveling.
M just called to ask if I wanna go to a Wizards game tonight. Me going out on Office nights is frankly unheard of, especially for a sports event (not my cup of tea) but he’s excited so I complied. M works in DC, so he said it makes sense for him to go to the game straight from his job.
Now, calling back to my last post, I SERIOUSLY entertained thoughts of going to Europe by myself for years. I would travel around, make friends, and come back a new person. Easy as pie.
So why then, when M suggests I meet him in DC, did I go straight into “omg, BY MYSELF on the METRO??? Just me??? ALONE???” mode?
Oh world…much as it pains me to say, I don’t think we’re ready for eachother yet.
I might be alright. April 24, 2008Posted by Sparkel in meee, realizations.
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There are times when I genuinely wonder if I’ll ever be the person I want to be. Actually, there are times when living in a house with a handful of people who make me feel like I’m obstinate, bitchy and always wrong makes me wonder if I’m losing my mind. I remember a time when I thought I’d be married at 22. And I remember assuming I would live with a couple friends and it would be fun and amazingly wonderful. And I remember always assuming I’d have been all over the world by now. Hell, I can say, without reason or logic, that I have always assumed that one day I will walk on the moon and see all the planets up close.
I might not have read all the books on my ever-growing list. I might not be radiantly happy all the time. I might not have been to Europe or Australia. I might still only speak one language. I might need to go to the gym a hell of a lot more, and I could stand to eat a little healthier. I might not always do what I set out to do, or what I say I’m going to do. I might not have a thousand friends, or even a solid group. I might stutter when I get nervous, or feel awkward in crowded social settings. I might curse the people around me, question whether these fights are worth fighting, and feel completely alone.
But I can say that when I am completely alone, I like the company that my personality provides. I like my thoughts. Sometimes I even laugh out loud at them, or hunt for a piece of paper to write things down, all “ooh that was good!”
The other day was absolutely perfect, weather wise. So after work I took one of the many books I keep in my car, got my drink from Starbucks, and went to sit on a bench in a little, somewhat crowded courtyard. I was wearing a sundress with a pink sweater, really cute heels, big sunglasses and had my Coach bag. I remember thinking that anyone who walked by would take one look and probably scoff and say “ugh, look at her. What a cliche.”
And then I thought back to younger me, insecure and wanting to belong. I thought back to her idea of pretty or cool. And I realized that if she walked by, she’d want to be me.
And in a way, that’s good enough.
K-La and Euey April 21, 2008Posted by Sparkel in it is looove, M.
The fact that I am a wee bit clingy when it comes to M has long been a source of angst, amusement and arguments. There are times when I literally feel like I just cannot get enough of him. I realize it the most when we’ve just had a fight. My mind will inevitably wander, I’ll forget we were fighting, and I’ll go to hug him or cuddle or put my arm around him or hold his hand. He’ll laugh, comment on how irresistible he is, and I’ll jerk back indignantly only to repeat my affectionate gesture a few minutes later. At some point during the first year we were together he stood next to his bed and said he was going upstairs and I responded by throwing my arms and legs around him from where I sat on the edge of the bed. He laughed and stroked my hair and said “my little koala.” It turned into an inside joke over time, where he calls me “K-la” (because my name also begins with a “K”) and I call him “eu” or “euey” (pronounced “you” as in eucalyptus tree) when I’m clingy or overly-affectionate.
I’ve often felt simultaneously lucky and a little strange because I am in a relationship with someone who I always want to be around. I knew from the beginning of our relationship that I had it bad when I always felt like hanging out with him or calling him. I get tired or bored of other people if I spend too much time with them, but it’s like I’m insatiable when it comes to M. I have friends who have good relationships and friends who have not-so-good relationships. I’ve observed the marriages of my parents, relatives, friends parents and perfect strangers. We’ve been deemed everything from “adorable” and “inseparable ” to “unhealthy” and “codependent.” I have not gone one day without speaking to him in more than four years. I haven’t gone a day without seeing him in two years. There was a period in 2006 of about three months where we worked together and practically lived together to the point where we woke up together, drove to work together, worked together, ate lunch together, drove home together, ate dinner together, watched tv or read or studied together, and fell asleep together. I slept at my apartment alone maybe two nights a month. And I missed him. To the point where it would have been more than two nights if I hadn’t given up after tossing and turning and quietly walked the two minutes between our apartments to slip into bed with him at around 2 am. To be greeted with one extended arm and a “you couldn’t sleep either?”
I neglected all of my friendships for a long time. I was convinced that living with M would solve the problem. “I can come home to him, so it’ll be the best of both worlds!” I have gotten better, but I still have moments, mainly when I’m out with large groups and feel somewhat awkward, where I either wish he was there or just wanna go home and curl up next to him.
I’ve been thinking about this since M and I watched that episode of the Real Housewives of New York where Alex brings her husband to Girls Night. (PLEASE tell me you’ve watched it! That episode made my day, snark-wise.) Granted M and I are not that bad. I know enough to keep him out of girls nights, and he knows enough not to come. But as Alex defended her relationship, saying she likes to spend time with him so “of course” she wanted to bring him, M and I looked at each other and said, simultaneously, “oh my god, that’s us.”
After reassuring each other (and ourselves) that we are in fact, into our own things, are capable of spending time apart, and have our own people, we are not as bad as Alex and Simon.
Last night M and I were watching the Office and he said “hey, we’re not the housewife people. We’re totally Jim and Pam.” Does he know what it takes to make me swoon or what?
Still, do I think we’re a little strange in our co-dependency? Absolutely. But would I have it any other way? No.
Squeee!!! April 18, 2008Posted by Sparkel in books & movies & shows.
It’s no secret that I kinda sorta wanna get engaged some of the time (like when I’m not terrified of it and all that it entails.) But let me tell you something… right now, I am about NINETY FIVE TRILLION times more excited about Jim and Pam getting engaged that I am thinking about me getting engaged. WHO SAW THE OFFICE LAST NIGHT???
Gaaaaaaah could they be any cuter? I think the “SQUEEEE!!!!!!!!!!”‘s are still echoing throughout my neighborhood.
Good and Better April 16, 2008Posted by Sparkel in realizations.
Sitting at home on the couch, watching TV and scarving down on doritos feels good.
But that feeling after leaving the gym? And looking in the mirror at a more fit you? Feels better.
Finishing a paper after barely reading the material its on, and using sparknotes and other sources to wind up getting a A feels good.
Knowing your shit and that you did a good job and getting an A? Feels better.
Buying a bunch of clothes you really like feels good.
Walking out of a store after putting it all back because you didn’t love any of it and you held on to that hard earned money? Feels better.
Getting into an argument with someone you can’t stand, knowing your right, and getting in some good comebacks and the last word feels good.
Knowing there is nothing they can say about you because, even though you know you’re right, you refuse to stoop to their level and are classy enough to just walk away with a smile and your head held high? Feels better.
Having people in your life who are kind enough to loan you their computers while your is on the fritz feels good.
But having your own computer back and not having to rely on anyone? Feels better.
Boredom food April 9, 2008Posted by Sparkel in random.
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This may come as a shock to anyone who’s read this blog, but I don’t have the most exciting life. (You’re floored! I knew it!) I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out how to curb boredom, and I spend an inordinate amount of time online. I’m a nerd, whatevs.
So, just because I feel like it, here are ten of the (many) sites that keep me entertained on a daily basis. (I’m not listing blogs because, um *ahem*…look to your right. It’s pretty clear I like a good blog.)
(I’m also going to describe the sites as if you don’t know what they are. But I hope you do cause they are AWESOME!)
1. Television Without Pity (or TWoP)
I’ve lurked and delukred at this site since it was Mighty Big TV when I was a sophomore in high school. I adore this site. I spend more time on it than pretty much anything else. It has recaps (with an inventory of many cancelled shows that are fun to go back and read). My favorite part of the site is the forums, which are of basically every show currently and formerly on TV, and a bunch of new things that have come to be since the site was acquired by Bravo. One of my favorite forums is TV Potluck. Check it out!
Another TV recap/forum site. The main difference between this site and TWoP is the hilarity of the recaps. I have seriously choked on nerds, spit out drinks and cried to keep from laughing out loud at some of them. The funniest recapper evaaaah was B-side (who also co-founded the site.) He doesn’t do recaps there anymore, but I HIGHLY recommend reading his recaps of Laguna Beach and The Hills in the archives, or scooting on over to his blog to read new recaps of The Hills. They’re fucking hilarious.
I’d be really surprised if you don’t know this site (or the other Gawker media sites), but just in case I thought I’d put it in because I love it, and you need to too if you don’t already!
4. Stumble Upon
Okay, not technically a site (it’s a browser that you need to download), but it’s seriously amazing. The PERFECT cure for boredom. I have found so many great sites using the little stumble icon that I never would have known about otherwise, such as…
Kinda like pandora except it doesn’t limit you to the number of songs you can listen to in an hour, which is helpful if there are a string of “no”‘s. Also, every song it plans to play will show up on the screen at once, which allows you to jump around and find great new music. It’s a little redundant, but I like it anyway.
Free movies, including new releases and good older stuff. You may need to download Veoh (which is also awesome and handy), and need to put up with French or Japanese subtitles, but it’s free, and really, what beats that?
I have this weird obsession with watching people do makeup. Tricia Sawyer is a makeup artist who is known for doing tons of 80’s music videos and makeup for Sharon Stone, Scarlett Johansen, and Brittany Murphy (among others.) She has a makeup line and tons of how-to videos on her site for free.
I found Ask Me Makeup on youtube. This girl is INCREDIBLE (and adorable.) She makes it look so easy and offers great product tips.
9. The Onion
This is my home page at work and on my laptop. Satirical newspaper that is so. damn. funny. And sometimes slightly offensive. But mostly hilarious.
10. Rotten Tomatoes
I dream of being one of the “cream of the crop” someday. Movie reviews and critiques gathered from websites and newspapers from all over the country, as well as movie info, trailers, interviews and cool links. Also, I’ve found it to be much more accurate than IMDB.
What are some of your favorite sites?
Smiling April 8, 2008Posted by Sparkel in M, meee.
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I asked M if he has any pictures of me hanging around anywhere, and he said yes. I gave him a knowing look, and he smiled and said “in my memory.”
Me: *sad face* “…”
Then, M sweetly laughed and said “you know why you have such a pretty smile? There’s something about your mouth, where you just make the most perfect expressions.”
I laughed, happily surprised, and said “how does one have “perfect expressions”?
M: “Your mouth just moves in a really perfect way. Like, you draw a smile or you draw a frown on paper to look like yours look. When I frown, my face doesn’t frown, but your mouth goes down so it really looks like a frown. It’s so cute.”
Me: “No one’s ever told me I have a pretty smile. Everyone makes fun of me for always smiling in photos, so I always assumed I have a cheesy smile.”
M: “No, you have a pretty smile. You have a perfect smile.”
…aaaaaaaaand I’m still smiling 😀