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Tough Love July 29, 2008

Posted by Sparkel in annoyances, family, I know life isn't supposed to be fair but jeez....
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I told my sister that she and her boyfriend need to move out by the end of next month.

Granted, they already announced they were planning on leaving “in September, maybe?”, but after dealing with enough of their antics I’ve officially decided that an indefinite date is not good enough. The hard (and dumb) thing about it is that I truthfully feel really bad about it. I was selfishly excited when she moved in because it meant I would FINALLY have someone from my family living with me again, and I wouldn’t feel so alone, and there would be someone on my side, HURRAH! But almost from the get-go I began to feel like I was being taken advantaged of. I wasn’t seen as the owner of the house, or as the older sister who so generously provided a refuge, two things I was sure wouldn’t even be questioned. I honestly thought she would be so grateful that she would make a solid effort to actually oh I dunno, clean up after herself, or say…turn off the stove, or um, gee…not leave the front door open ALL. NIGHT. LONG. on two occasions. The biggest fight we got into was because she refused to clean the bathroom they share with M’s mom for the first four months they were living there, and when I repeatedly asked her when she would do it, she completely brushed me off. I finally reached my breaking point after a week of repeatedly harassing her to do it, and she actually got angry with me for yelling at her.

They have this whole “we can do whatever we want regardless of anyone else” mentality. I told them to please not cook past eleven because four of us need to wake up at 6 for work, and you can hear the going-ons in the kitchen from everywhere in the house. They would stumble home at 2 am, and sure enough, I’d hear the microwave or chopping sounds. The breaking point for that battle was when they did it at 4 am one night and had the nerve to try to tell me they were having “an early breakfast.” Like that makes any difference whatsoever. It was annoying as hell, and the most annoying part was being made to feel like I’m some random CRAZY person with a stick up her butt for constantly needing to practically parent the two of them.

He lost his key (which I bought) about a month in. Then she lost her key the other night. I get it, keys get lost, shit happens, yadda yadda. But! They were home all day Sunday (granted they were sleeping) and didn’t get another key made. They asked me to drive them to Outback for dinner at 8 pm, but didn’t ask anyone for a ride to Home Depot. So, they go out with their friends, and then come home at midnight and crawl through the front window. This was mind boggling mainly because they constantly did the same thing when they were living at my parents, and it was a HUGE bone of contention with my dad. Call me paranoid, but I mean, way to announce to the (admittedly not exactly pristine) neighborhood that we keep our windows unlocked. And they purposely left it unlocked before I gave them a ride. That’s what makes me really angry. The planning and the sneaking and the lying and the assumption that I’m a total idiot who will always be none the wiser.

I’ve had enough.

But, I am dealing with the nagging whisper “she’s your sister” that’s trying to plague me with guilt. So, my question to you: how do you deal with someone you like/love when they refuse to behave like a decent person?

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1. mylucidkarma - July 29, 2008

I have had both family and friends live with me at various points. It never seems to go as one hopes. This is the only post I have read here so if there is additional information available as it relates to them and you I haven’t seen it. I get the impression they are young and like to party and are both stuck in “The World owes Us Mode”. Apparently they came from your parent’s to your place, so I am guessing you kind of knew what to expect but hoped because it was your place those issues wouldn’t be an issue. I hoped the same when both of my brothers at different times moved in.

It gets to a point where a person gets driven insane and just doesn’t enjoy being in their home. When a visitor has taken your home away from you, it’s time to remove the Welcome Mat. I think when a person feels that coming they have to draw a line in the sand. She is your sister and you have helped her. It’s not your fault they don’t have it inside of themselves to strive for more and do something to have their own place. As long as family and friends take them in and put up with the chaos, what incentive do they really have to “grow up” ?

The whole “we can do whatever we want” mode they are in doesn’t usually get a person very far. If they don’t break away from that they are going to make a career out of it. Professional Nomads and that’s not good for anyone.

If nothing else you can at least know inside of yourself you opened up your home and gave them a chance to grow up and get their heads out of their asses, they were unfortunately too caught up in their good times and enjoying the free ride to see the importance of that opportunity. In their own place, yes they can do whatever they want. Key words there. “Their own place” something they don’t have and won’t as long as others allow them to move in, act like complete idiots and turn an eye to it because “she’s family”. She doesn’t seem to have a problem taking advantage of those feelings and that should allow you to find a way to feel ok about removing the welcome mat & and forcing them to live like the rest of us do… working to have what we do and squeezing in fun times when we can afford to. They both seem like takers, expecting the free ride and oblivious to “life rules” ~ I don’t know about you, but I do shit everyday I would prefer not to because I have to live. I’d love to be hang out at Outback in the evenings, having my driver drop me there, head out with friends afterwards and come in when the party was over and sleep the whole next day if I felt like it… but that’s not how it works in the real world once a person reaches a certain age.

You had very basic requests… they chose to ignore them for selfish reasons. You haven’t evicted them, they evicted themselves by acting like complete asses and taking advantage of you. They’ll be fine 🙂 Good Luck.

2. verybadcat - July 29, 2008

I’ve lived with family as an adult, and I would sooner shoot myself in the face than do it again.

Kick her out. Tell her that you really need your space and privacy, and that it isn’t fair to have her there when you’re going to impose your rules on her, but it is your house. She can go be sloppy and sneaky and loud elsewhere. Just because you love her doesn’t mean you have to suffer her.

Sisters, I think, need a lot of space and freedom from each other after they move out of the ‘rents house. You do so much competing and sharing and whatnot that no house can be big enough. Tell her you’re doing it to save the relationship, before you start hating each other or have some horribly damaging fight. Trust me on this.

My family is Crazy, so I had to learn how to draw boundaries. It’s as easy as saying “this is what I can handle, and this is what I can’t”. No guilt. You’re an adult now. You get to decide what kind and how much involvement you have with your family. I won’t mitigate my parent’s arguments anymore. One day they started it up in front of me, and I told them that they needed to work it out, and asked them how they’d like to referee an argument between WH and I. I still have to remind them sometimes, but they get it. They just needed to be told. Four thousand times.

3. Stephanie - July 29, 2008

Wow, i don’t think you can. She clearly doesn’t care what you have to say, so the best thing would be for her to just move out asap.


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