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And if in the end we’re together, it’s beautiful. August 15, 2008

Posted by Sparkel in realizations.

I’ve given a lot of thought to relationships lately. Not just the love kind, but all kinds.

I’ve realized that the key to a good relationship is compromise, and a continuous willingness to let people know that you are a priority. That you add something to their life. That they think of you, and, even if they’re truly busy, want to know what’s going on in your life and to share experiences.

I’ve also realized that it is possible to grasp too hard to someone, to become more of an annoyance than a source of happiness and comfort. Like that concept of “if you hold a butterfly tightly in your hand it will either die or escape as soon as it can, but if you simply hold out your hand and wait it may land on you and you’ll both be content.” What do we really owe anyone? What are we responsible for bringing to others lives? If I talk to a person, confide in them, develop feelings for them, care for their well-being, where is the line of how much I expect in return drawn? How much, if anything, do I have the right to expect?

Every single person is the center of their own universe. Our lives revolve around ourselves, and we are subconsciously biased every moment of every day. Even if I try to take another person’s view and situation into consideration I will always come up short. Each and every person has a right to live their life as they see fit. If you want to stay in for a week so you can read a really great book, that is your prerogative. And if you decide that the right thing for you is to move to a country 4,000 miles away and never come back, that’s your decision too. Every person has a right to their own personal happiness, and yet how many of us feel that we have a say in how another person lives their life?

In my relationship with M I have been selfish, jealous, greedy and sometimes dreamed of taking him away to a place where it could just be the two of us and I wouldn’t have to share him with anyone or anything. And then other times I take enough steps back to realize that he is my butterfly (cheesy as it sounds.) Hell, I genuinely feel like I won the butterfly lottery, and this is what usually provokes my panicked thoughts of “this can’t possibly ever last because he is SO going to find someone better to land on.”

But then I stop. And I think about the good he has to offer. And I think about the good I have to offer. I do believe in destiny and soul mates to this extent: I believe that people are very complicated, and that there are thousands of things that make up a persons personality. Likes, dislikes, passions, experiences, etc. Ergo, there are only so many people you can really even be compatible enough to be friends with. And even less you can feasibly be really close to. And maybe only a few who you just connect with, on what feels like another level. I believe that destiny is basically a billion different forks in the road we come to in our lives, sort of like those “choose the ending” stories. So if I do ______, _______ will happen, and so on.

I believe that a person has a right to be exactly who they are. And I believe that each person deserves someone who loves them for exactly who they are. I think about the possibility of a close friendship falling apart, or M finding someone else, and while just thinking about it hurts, do I really want to be in close proximity with someone because I ask them to be there? Do I really want M to stay with me because I beg him and cry if he goes? No.

I dream of being strong enough to take the steps I’ve always wanted to take and find out who I really am. I hope that every person who knows me looks forward to being together when we can be. I don’t ever want to have to ask M to please not cheat. I want our relationship to be the kind that he can’t imagine not being apart of, and I realize I control a whopping 50% of that. I hope I never even have to wonder about it. I’ve come to the conclusion that most of this rests on me. Because if I can be the person I want to be, if I can be open enough and willing enough to compromise, I will do nothing except casually wonder why so-and-so wanted to cut ties.

I don’t want anyone in my life who does not want to be there. I don’t want to beg anyone to stay. So I’ll do my thing, you do yours…



1. crystall - August 15, 2008

I think you’re exactly right. Cheers.

2. verybadcat - August 15, 2008

I love this post. It hits home on so many levels that I can’t even begin to explain. The resonance defies words.

Often, I find myself wishing that others would make more of an effort in my relationships. I’m not sure I have a good compass, ie, are my expectations realistic? Do I put too much effort in and then resent the difference? I’m still not sure, but I’m realizing that I don’t really have the time or energy to invest where there isn’t some type of payback.

3. Stephanie - August 17, 2008

I really agree with everything you were saying. Well said.

4. kate - August 18, 2008

i ❤ you 🙂

5. Chris - August 19, 2008

Wow, the thing about only being able to control 50% of your relationship? I SO get that, though I’ve never put it into those words. Thanks.

6. Ruby - August 29, 2008

Well said! You can only control 50% and its so important to know that.

7. crystall - October 1, 2008

Miss your blog, where have you been?

8. Fabulously Broke - December 7, 2008

Thanks for the book recommendation… And this was a really moving post.

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