Spoiler Alert July 24, 2009Posted by Sparkel in M.
It is no secret to anyone who knows me that I have been eager to get engaged pretty consistently for the past year. I’m not sure exactly why it hit, but I peruse wedding photo blogs and think of my wedding vows in bits and pieces and may have even picked out a dress and potential location.
When I have brought up marriage to M, he has stated, in no uncertain terms, that he is not ready. And won’t be for a while. When pressed for a timeline of some sort, he’s sort of shrugged, looked uncomfortable and said he doesn’t really have one. At first I was just quietly disappointed. Then a friend got married. Then M’s brother got engaged. Then M’s sister got married. And suddenly I was thinking about it more than ever, wondering why M wasn’t thinking about it, and feeling generally hurt.
Now, granted this is all a big fat case of putting the horse before the cart because we do still live with his mother and sister, and the housing market is still staying stubbornly low so we cannot sell our house and have no idea when we can, so we’re pretty much stuck for the time being. I’m also not finished with school, and just got an entry-leved job in the career I think I want to go into. M is done with school, but is looking for another job and would like to make more money. Realistically? We’re not ready.
But emotionally I am, and want to talk about it. To have some idea of when it will happen. And, most importantly, to know he is looking forward to it just as much as I am.
We’ve been on the exact same page for the entirety of our relationship, starting from just wanting to have fun, nothing serious, to realizing “oops, I accidentally fell head over heels in love with you”, to being committed 100% to each other and deciding to move in together. It’s been mutual every step of the way, up until the topic of marriage came up.
Or so I thought.
Now, M made it seem like he wouldn’t be ready until we are maybe 30. (Well, when he is 30 and I am 29.) Which means we will have been “dating” for twelve years before getting married. Which maybe shouldn’t matter, but I find it RIDICULOUS and nauseating. Why the hold up?? We love each other, we live together, we know it will happen eventually, so what gives?
I’ve grown increasingly frustrated and a few months ago reached a point where I thought ‘okay, if it’s going to be SIX YEARS until we get married, I’m gonna cross some things off my little bucket list in the meantime.’ I told him over dinner one night that I think we should take a step back from being so serious and we should both pursue other interests and dreams before we settle into marriage. He wants to move to El Salvador to work after we sell the house. I would love to live in New York or see if I can live in Europe for a year or two. I told him that maybe this only means we are better suited for each other than we thought because we can pursue these dreams while having a long-distance relationship and come together in the end feeling happy, fulfilled and ready to be married.
Oddly, he kind of panicked and rejected this concept. He said that he wanted us to stay together, long-distance was a bad idea, open relationships (also brought up to ponder) is an even worse idea, and we might end up just selling the house and moving to an apartment anyway so lets not talk about this future stuff yet.
We got into a fight last weekend, and somehow the topic of him not looking forward to marrying me came up (how womanly of me :D). I was near tears as I told him that I never thought I would get married, that it was a tradition for masochistic suckers and fools. That getting past my parents horrible example to the point where I actually LOOKED FORWARD to marrying someone was a flat out miracle, and that the only bump in the road to happiness being that the person I want to marry is DREADING marrying me? Just a tad hurtful.
And he took a deep breath and said “look. I wanted this to be a surprise, and you’re ruining it for yourself…”
And proceeded to tell me his plan to propose. When and where. And the plan? Is perfect. It’s what I hoped but never hinted at because I knew if he paid any attention at all he would know it is how I want it to be.
I probably should have stopped him from saying the details because I would have loved the surprise factor of it. But I’m actually quite fine without a total surprise. I don’t mind spoilers for TV shows or books, and while this is my actual life, just knowing there is a plan at all? And he’s been “thinking about it for a while”? I’ve been over the moon since he told me.
Iit won’t happen for a while, as our present is still exactly the same. But I’m suddenly so excited about the future that, up until a couple weeks ago, seemed uncertain and kind of bleary.