The Girl Who Cried “Change” July 25, 2009Posted by Sparkel in annoyances, meee, realizations.
I have always wholeheartedly believed that if a person is defensive when insulted, a nerve has been struck. If someone were to call me say, stupid, I wouldn’t pay any attention because I know I’m not stupid, and clearly the person saying it doesn’t know me very well.
But one word that has ALWAYS struck a nerve? Hypocrite.
I’m annoyed by people who say one thing and do another. People who rant at length about their problems and come to solutions they declare will become their new way of life and yet you and everyone else listening knows things will never change.
It wasn’t until this past week that I realized I am, 100%, one of those people.
I believe that actions speak louder than words. Yet I constantly find myself trying to talk my way out of problems and situations I am unhappy with. My father has always said I should be a lawyer because I can argue, rationalize and talk my way out of anything. I can justify any action I take, just give me a few hours and a couple nods.
Example: I got excited about remodeling things in our house, like the bathrooms and kitchen. So excited that I looked for a cabinet refacing company online, and found one in my area that does free home estimates. I sent them M’s email and phone number, (because I think men deal with men much more easily) and when they called, M scheduled an appointment but he was upset with me over it. Shocked by his reaction, I asked what the problem was, and he said that this is a company with workers who are trying to make money and run a business, and I was wasting their time because we don’t have the money right now and likely won’t be able to start on the kitchen until next summer. I stubbornly protested that they offer free estimates, they can’t expect every house they visit to immediately sign, and I wasn’t doing anything wrong.
A guy came over to do the estimate, and when I told him we were just beginning to check around and see what prices are like, he was angry. He didn’t yell or say anthing, but it was pretty obvious. And M had that “told you so” look on his face after the guy left. And I truly felt guilty, had a knot in my stomach and wanted to rush after the guy and apologize for wasting his time. So what did I do? I spent a good ten minutes justifying it, giving M and his sister the reasons I listed above. M’s sister agreed with me, which is actually what gave me pause. I think she is extraordinarily selfish, so for her to think I did the right thing was stomach churning.
Another example? Relates to yesterday’s post. I told my sister everything about M’s confession and planned proposal and she immediately yelled at me for ruining what could have been a wonderful surprise for me and a special moment for him because I had to push. She said I’m like our mother, that I nag and I’m selfish and always have to get my way, no matter what anyone else’s side is. And then she told our father that I’m pressuring M into marriage and he is going to end up resenting me. My dad asked me about is this morning, and warned me that men don’t like to be pushed and I should have waited for him to ask.
I feel a larger, more intricate knot over this predicament. But overall, I think they’re right. My problem is not that I NEEDED to know when M is going to propose, or that I NEEDED to know the price to remodel our kitchen. My problem is that my execution for every whim I have is sloppy and the dismount is usually appallingly awful because I have no patience and find it difficult to have faith in others intentions. I push because I want other people to want the same things I do. And if they don’t, I try to convince them to see things my way. And if they come over to my side out of sheer OH MY EFFING LORD, ANYTHING TO SHUT THIS WOMAN UP, I justify why I was right all along. I love to plan, but I never manage to follow through on anything really. And I just end up looking like an insincere, immature moron who has no idea what she wants.
I’m coming to the realization that if you are right about something, you won’t have to justify it. Not to yourself, and not to anyone else. And it’s better to change quietly and have your actions speak for you, than to rant at length and then have your actions come up short.