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We can be quiet together, and pretend—since it is only the beginning—that we have all the time in the world. August 3, 2009

Posted by Sparkel in I kinda love my life, M, realizations.
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Realizing that the way you feel about a belief or a passion or a person is changing does not happen unless you have a full comprehension of where you’re coming from.  Obvious right?  And yesterday I realized that, while I have been in love with M for almost six years, I have never been what could be described as “comfortable” in that love.

I am comfortable with him.  Neither of us walk on eggshells, we are honest, we argue, we’re mushy and affectionate.  I’ve been aware of the good he brings to my life, of the respect and admiration he inspires in other people.  I’ve gotten to know him very well, and he’s gotten to know me.  I am still learning things about him all the time.  He is still very capable of surprising me.  And I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I hope beyond anything I have ever hoped that we spend the rest of our lives together, but I haven’t  allowed myself to believe we will.

I think I’ve been afraid of settling in to being comfortable and happy in my relationship with M because I’m afraid that the second I do, something horrible will happen.  But I also think it’s in large part because it is only now that M and I are entering into a whole new part of our relationship, where we not only love and want each other, but we like each other and respect each other almost unequivocally.  We rely on each other and trust that no harm will come purposely from the other.  It’s something that can only come with time.  Isn’t that the argument against ‘love at first sight’?  That you can only really love someone with time and really getting to know them?

I think the best analogy for a relationship is the concept of learning a very complicated, intricate dance.  You’re stumbling around each other for a while, then when you feel you have the hang of the steps, you still need to learn how to coordinate around and with your partner.  And then one day, you’re dancing together as you always have, but something just clicks and settles, and suddenly you’re moving as a unit.  It’s easy and fun and you have faith that, should you stumble, your partner will catch you.

I have faith that M and I would have gotten here whether we decided to marry five years ago, or if we wait until five years from now.  But there is something about the thought of marrying M after this comfort level has been reached that, cheesily, makes my heart sing.  I feel as though I can relax now, and the future will take care of itself without forceful interventions from my insecurities.

We went curtain shopping yesterday and walked around the appliance section at Sears, discussing our wants and likes for the house in our future.  We laughed and made fun of each others tastes and agreed and disagreed on things.

As we walked through the parking lot to the car, he asked what I think we should get his sister as a gift for her baby.  I shrugged and said I don’t really care, it’s his nephew, he can pick.  He took my hand and said “its your nephew too, my Tina, like it or not.  What’s mine is yours, and that includes family.”

Someone chose me to be his family.  This knowledge has finally sunk in, and I could not be happier.

Progress. July 28, 2008

Posted by Sparkel in I kinda love my life, realizations.
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The vast majority of my days feel so monotonous and plain that it’s sometimes difficult to believe that time is passing at all. In fact, if someone were to walk up and announce that I’m just living the same day over and over, that my life is actually on a loop, I’m not getting older, the whole feeling of not really being where I think I should be in any area is a false alarm, because CONGRATULATIONS!, I actually get all this time back and this was only a practice run, I would simply jump and cheer. *cue the happy tears*

There are those sure-fire reminders that time actually is passing. For instance, birthdays. Both mine and friends. It seems like only yesterday my goddaughter was born, and she’ll turn four her next birthday. And I reflect on the time that has passed and wonder “what have I done?” or “what have I checked off of my beloved to-do lists?”

I spend a lot of time feeling depressed about my lack of funds, pages written, health insurance, paid vacation time, vacations period, and that feeling of “man oh man, wouldja look at meee!” that comes when you’ve gotten stuff done.

But every so often I take the time to look at my life and notice how far I’ve really come. That while living in my first apartment wasn’t the best experience due to the unfortunate roommate situation, I actually lived on my own for a while there. And now, even though I spend a LOT of time wishing everyone at my house (except M) would just kinda fade into oblivion, it’s pretty sweet that I partially own my own house. That’s one thing I would have plain guffawed at if I thought to add to my “things to do before 25” list.

Sometimes I sit in the room I share with my boyfriend (check!), look around at the matching bedroom set I bought with money I earned for myself (check!) and just grin as the feeling of progress sinks in. I do the same thing in my car sometimes. It’s not so brand-new (check!) anymore, and never really as clean as it should be, but it’s mine and I’ve worked for it, and I just feel proud.

Sometimes I’m sitting at work when I receive a call from my beloved M, asking if I checked the email about a nice dining set, or I try to answer his “what should we do about the patio/bathroom floors/cabinets?” questions and I just feel like an adult. A full-blown adult with a good relationship and a house to call (partially) my own.

It’s no summer in Italy (still unchecked), but it’s the farthest I’ve been. And that my friends, feels like progress.

Adventures in Luray July 7, 2008

Posted by Sparkel in I kinda love my life, M, traveling.
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Apologies for the semi-depressing last post. I’ve been in a funk for a while, but I’ve decided to jet-propel myself out of it.

This weekend helped some. M has been talking about going to Luray Caverns for months, and we finally went Saturday. I figured we really only needed a day to get there (2 hours) take the tour, stop by Skyline Drive on the way back for a few hours, and then drive home, but M really wanted to stay overnight, so we did. Actually M wanted to stay all three days, but I a) couldn’t and b) thought it was overkill. We moseyed our way through the tiny town of Luray, got some grub, then saw the caverns. They were pretty impressive and all, but does it bother anyone else when “natural wonders” are made completely commercialized? There were light fixtures all over the place, and the floor is paved. The final straw for M and I was when one of the tour guides turned an organ on from a switch inside one of the stalagmite formations. I mean, what the hell? Who wires stalagmite? We just cracked up. Also, the tour guides? Utterly useless. One girl took five minutes to shine a flashlight on two stones to not only tell you that they resembled a “sheep dog” and “flying camel” (?), but she took the time to point out “the leg………….the other leg………the tail………..” It was ridiculous. Nothing about how it formed, what will happen while they still form, even details on how they turned it into the tourist trap that it is. Just “this is what we think this looks like. Neato, huh?”

Also, does anyone else get aggravated at people en masse? I’m not trying to come off like a serial killer or anything, but every time I’m around more than say, twenty people at a time, I feel angry and annoyed by every little thing that everyone does. They tell you all over the caverns to not touch the formations, and everywhere you look some idiot is caressing one of them. There are these beautiful pools all over the place that are filled with coins. COINS! This is made even more incredulous by the fact that there’s a designated part of the caverns that is called a wishing well and is meant for people to throw coins, but apparently the visitors are not only too stupid, but have just waaay too much money. “Oh honey, look, a puddle. Surely we can toss $10 in pennies inside, and all our wishes will come true!” By the end of the tour I was just wishing for blinders and felt some not-so-secret satisfaction when a kid whacked his head on a guard rail while he leaned over to rub a stone.

Either I’m not fit for society, or society is not fit for my admittedly-high standards. (AKA common sense and respect for others.)

We went to Skyline Drive yesterday and M wanted to see a waterfall. So he saw a sign that he swears said “something-something-falls,” so we stop and start walking. Three and a half miles later we arrive at a stream that sorta-kinda-but-not-really flows down through a few rocks at one point. I don’t know if M’s waterfall was just farther down or in fact imaginary. All I know is that hiking the three miles back uphill while on meds pretty much sucked. I think I lost a lot of M’s admiration and respect due to my constant huffing and puffing and “can. we. PLEAAAAASE. STOP!?” and “WHY OH WHY DO I LISTEN TO YOUUU?” rants. He offered to carry me piggy-back, probably assuming that the normally sweet and stubborn and “oh no, you take the last piece” loving girlfriend he thought he knew would insist on walking so as not to put him out. Because when I stopped and grinned for the first time in an hour and charged at him with a gleam in my eye, he had the nerve to stick his hands out, eyes wide with horror, and push me away insisting “see, you just ran! I knew you had it in you! Come on we’re almost there!”, then walked on at a faster pace, assuming that my rage at his piggy-back teasing and subsequent sudden NEED to kick him would cause me to practically chase him to the car. There’s no drug like adrenaline? No. There’s no drug like “I’m going to KILL. YOU.” womanly anger.

I realize I didn’t make it seem like it, but the weekend was a lot of fun. We also saw Wall E (so! cute!) and bonded even more (which didn’t seem possible.) And needless to say, we’re both happy to be home.  Though whenever I go on a trip, even one a mere two hours away for two days, I sort of expect time to stand-still while I’m gone.  So when M woke me up at 6:15 this morning and said “we gotta go,” I squinted at him and angrily demanded “where?!”  M: “…work…”  Me: *blink blink*  “What happened to Sunday?”  *pause* Ohhh the hike…”  Nuff said.

Hope you had a good weekend too!

Do YOU wanna talk about No Country For Old Men? March 19, 2008

Posted by Sparkel in books & movies & shows, I kinda love my life, meee.
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I haven’t really posted for a while. Mostly because when I open the “write post” tab, I have a tendency to sit, tapping the keyboard while I wait for inspiration to just strike like lightning. When it didn’t I felt disappointed or bored and went onto more exciting things, like reading other blogs or some of my favorite sites.

Then I decided something. I said to myself “Self, why not read those books that have been piling up for months? Why not clean your room? Your car? Watch some movies? Write some reviews? Write some short stories!” What the heck am I waiting for? So, I started my revamp by reading every day. My usual schedule is to work from 7 until 3 or 4, then come home and lay around watching TV for an hour or so until I pick up M from the metro. Now, I read pretty quickly. I could finish a decent number of pages in an hour or so. So I’d come home and instead of turning on my TV I’d go straight to my “reading chair.” I read Stephen King’s On Writing, The Time Traveler’s Wife (again), Birdsong, What is the What, Atonement (again), The Other Boleyn Girl, Like Life, and I just started On My Own Two Feet (mostly because I’m getting a very decent tax return and I need to think smart this time.) I also decided to watch more films, and courtesy of Netflix and a wonderful site that has tons of movies for FREE (always key), I have watched more movies than I can remember lately.

The one that stuck out is No Country for Old Men. Suuuuch a good movie. It hits you like a gentle tap on the shoulder 20 minutes after the credits roll and you’re initially all “wait, that’s it??” Which I gotta be honest, I was not expecting. I don’t usually do well with violence, and from the previews I was all “this movie is gonna mind-fuck me hard.” But I liked it. A lot. And while I love M dearly, he’s not exactly um…fond of discussing books and film in depth. So I’ve been all “do YOU wanna talk about NCFOM?” to everyone. Unfortunately not too many of my nearest and dearest have seen it. I’m dying here people! So, I ask (or, you know, beg): do you wanna talk about No Country For Old Men?

So, thanks to these books and movies, I feel immensely more brilliant. Also, grateful for my sudden need to break from technology (well, some technology) because on Saturday I dropped my laptop, so it’s with the Geek Squad for the next two weeks. It’s been rough, but not as rough as it could have been.

Lastly I ask you; what books or movies have you read or watched lately that you’ve enjoyed?

The New! Me! November 26, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in friends, I kinda love my life, meee.
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Horrible dreams and a newfound paralyzing fear of being abandoned aside, the weekend was pretty good.

M and I spent Thanksgiving at my parents.  My dad decided to talk politics at the table, which led to an argument and my sister stomping off in a huff.  Fortunately things were resolved.  My family always provides entertainment, I will give them that.

Saturday night some friends came over for “Friends Thanksgiving.”  It was pretty fun.  Anna and Kate’s boyfriends and a couple other guys were really late, which turned out to be because they were smoking weed (*sigh*…seriously guys?  We’re not in high school…and they aren’t even in college anymore.)  We waited for them, so Jess, Derek and Angela couldn’t even eat because they had to leave, which made me REALLY mad.  All in all, I decided to appreciate the night for the fun it did offer and to never have them over again.  And if any of them ever host a dinner, I will be sure to be four hours late.  That way, revenge will be the dish served as cold as their dinner.

I spent most of yesterday lounging, then shopping, then with my M.  I got some new placemats and a few new small plates for the kitchen, and some clothes for M and I.  We ordered pizza and watched Hostel 2.  It was a very nice weekend.

Today is Day 1 of the New! Me!  I’m going to the gym after work today for about an hour.  I looked at the schedule for the free fitness classes they offer,  and decided to start going to yoga, pilates and kickboxing when I can.  I took yoga last semester, and really liked it.  It’s supposed to help with depression, so…I’ll take all the help I can get.

My mood has improved some though.  I’m trying so hard to focus on the good and make plans and lists and fill my days up with a balance of some things I have to do and some things I want to do.  I want to be happy.  I want to be healthy.  I want to have a body that allows me to wear anything and feel comfortable.  I want to feel like I’m making progress.

Gotta get to work…

Thankful November 21, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in I kinda love my life, meee.
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I am thankful…

…that I am working full time again at my job, which can be boring at times, but I am grateful for the money and my boss, who is nice, and my coworker, who is fun to chat with.

…for my friends, who never fail to show support, offer fun distractions, and make me feel good about myself.

…that things with my family are good right now, and that for the most part everyone is getting along with everyone.  This hasn’t happened in YEARS.

…that, despite all the complaining I do, I have a house that will (hopefully) benefit M and I in the future.

…for M.  He’s my best friend, support system, ally, confidante and puts up with all of my neurosis.  He takes care of me as much as I take care of him, and I’m thankful that he’s shared his life with me for the past four years.  I am thankful that he wants four more as much as I do.

Happy Turkey Day everyone!

Feeling loved October 28, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in friends, I kinda love my life, M.
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I came home yesterday to find M’s and my room spotless and roses in a vase next to my bed.  Today I woke up to M holding my Starbucks drink and beaming.  So sweet.

I’ve spent a lot of time lately feeling stressed and concentrating on crappy things that seem to keep happening.  It’s really easy to forget or overlook all the good things that happen too. 

Recently I’ve done a lot of thinking about my friend Nikki.  She and I were best friends through middle school and high school, and then had a falling out a couple years ago.  I’ve really missed her lately.  She and I got back in touch a few months ago through myspace, and then when she came to visit some friends and family here (she lives in Florida now) I kinda blew her off.  We cut off all contact after that, and lately I just really realized how fucked up I was.  So I wrote her a message apologizing, and now we’re talking again.  We’re planning a “phone date” that will hopefully happen soon.  I feel really good about it.

My grandmother said “everyone has a million reasons to be miserable.”  But I think a lot of people have a million reasons to be happy.  I have the most amazing boyfriend and friends.  I really truly do.  They care about me, and make it clear all the time, and I’ve slacked on doing the same for them lately.  I haven’t really talked to Jess all week, and I just miss her a lot.  I miss Anna.  I miss my sister.  And I don’t need to miss them.  I need to set aside time for the people who matter. 
I’m making baby steps toward actually “living.”  Cause really, I’m as ready as I’ll ever be. 

Gotta do some studying…

What makes me… September 28, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in books & movies & shows, I kinda love my life, meee.
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smile:
Jim and Pam are together!! Woo woo!
“sick” days
having enough money in the bank for bills and then some
steaming hot showers
jeans that fit perfectly
caramel macchiatos
candle-lit rooms
e-mails from my loves
having Saturday and Sunday off
the smell of books (especially old ones…I’m weird)
puppies and bunnies and babies
M walking into a room
sweet alcoholic drinks
girl nights

frown:
falling asleep in a room so hot you wake up sweating
damp towels
summer ending
the feeling of stepping on crumbs when barefoot
“can you work late tonight?”
alarm clocks going off
selfish people
great shows being cancelled (no more Arrested Development, Gilmore Girls, Everwood… heck, I’m still not over no more Dawson’s Creek!)
knowing someone is mad at me

tired:
the pile of books I need to read this weekend

However, the happiness that Jim and Pam are together is (dorkily) outweighing everything else right now.  You know you wanna squee!

Blurbing September 20, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in books & movies & shows, I kinda love my life, it is looove, M.
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I just finished watching Gossip Girl, The Real World and Newport Harbor.  Can I admit, even though it’s completely dorky, that I LOVE Newport Harbor.  Maybe even more than Laguna Beach.  The kids seem to have more redeeming qualities so far (not to mention that Clay, though not quite legal, is freaking gorgeous, and his adorable relationship with Chrissy makes me smile and squee like it were my own relationship) and aren’t all about the DRA-MAAA that made LB so entertaining.  I also enjoyed Gossip Girl more than I thought I would.  Oh cheesy TV, you continue to suck me in. 

Speaking of TV, I cannot WAIT for The Office to start.  Jim and Pam are my absolute favorite TV couple evah (I even have a screencap of them as the background on my computer…yes, I am one of those people), and the fact that they’re finally together makes me squee like I’ve never squeed before.  Last season made my heart ache.  I actually cried out of pure frustration at the end of a couple episodes because my-GAWD-why can’t they just be together forever???  And then they got together (which also made me burst into tears), and now I just cannot wait to revel in the glorious love that is Jim and Pam. 

Speaking of glorious love… M is being a sweetie lately.  He acted like somewhat of an ass over the weekend, and since I basically ripped him a new one, which led to a heart to heart, which led to improvements in our already good relationship.  Exhibit A:

september-2007-002.jpg

(please ignore my shrine to us)

Tonight M wanted to go to the gym, but I was tired and it was already almost 8 (and I wanted to watch GG at 9) I decided to get Starbucks and read for a while instead of going with him.  I was about half through GG when he came back and gave me those flowers and a big kiss.  Sometimes he can be a pain in the ass, but usually he’s such a sweetheart. 

Yesterday Anna and I were talking about books, and I looked up the 100 Greatest Books of All Time, and decided that I am going to read them all.  So I went to this amazing used book store and got about 20 books for $30.  It was awesome.  We really need new bookshelves though, so M gently asked that I not buy any more books until we do so.  I want to go to Ikea sometime soon because I got this really great bookshelf that I’m using in my closet right now for shoes.  It was only $20, so I’d like to get three or four and put them side by side on one wall in the office.  I also want to buy more shelves for the closet in there and install them and make that another bookshelf.  I remember a literature professor I had a couple semesters ago saying that at our age we should have a library of 1000 books.  I think I have maybe 400, so I have a lot of catching up to do. 

Speaking of catching up, I haven’t gone to the gym nearly as much as I’d like to lately, which I’m hoping to amend soon.  I’m chalking it up to STILL not being completely over this cold because when I do go using any of the elliptical machines or treadmill makes me wheeze like I have asthma.  I’ve also been really tired because of the study load I’ve had this past week, so… yea.  My dad always says “excuses are like assholes.  Everyone has one, and they all stink.”  So. Damn. True.

I’m getting excited for the weekend.  I’m pretty sure I have to work Saturday because I forgot to tell my boss that I’m not, and he likes advance notice.  So, that kinda blows, but it’s money, which is always good.  After that I think Jess and I are going to get our nails did, and maybe I’ll get a haircut.  Then we might go bar-hopping.  Nothing is set in stone right now.  I’m going to try to take Saturday off because I need the study time.  We shall see…

That’s all for now. I’m sleepy.

Update August 31, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in books & movies & shows, I kinda love my life.
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This week has been pretty good.  My friend Kate held a “Wine and Cheese Party” at her house last night, which actually turned out to be just her, Anna and I.  It was fun.  I had brie for the first time, and some yummy fruit and wine.  We’re starting our book club back up again, which I’m pretty excited about.  Each of us take turns choosing one book per month, and we’ll have random get togethers to hang out and talk about the book as we go, then a dinner where we talk about the whole book after we’ve finished, and then a movie night if a movie was made based on the book.  Kate chose a Jack London story for her first pick, and I chose Pride and Prejudice for mine the following month.  I got the movie from Target last weekend and I’m obsessed with it.  I’ve watched parts of it every night since.  I’m in love with Mr. Darcy.  He is just…all kinds of utter deliciousness. 

I also finished Harry Potter.  I burst into tears so many times during that book.  I was rereading parts of it the other night while M watched Last Comic Standing (did anyone see the guy who talked about how when he was six, a friend was at his house and they taped their penises together, and how looking back it’s hard to imagine finding another kid who would agree to do it?  And how they stripped down, taped them together, and the other kid said, in complete seriousness (because they just learned the alphabet) “look, we just made the letter H”?  M and I were dying.)  I started to cry because of a characters death, and M looked over and asked what was wrong, and I wailed “he’s DEEEAAAADDDD!!!”, and he asked who, and I told him the entire story of the character (tears streaming down my face the whole time.)  M looked like he was trying extremely hard not to laugh, and said “I’m…sorry(?)” and I sniffled and said “me too” and reached out for a hug, which he provided while laughing and telling me how adorable I apparently am.  Seriously…that series killed me.  And I can’t wait to read it again. 

I hung out with my BFF Jessie the other night, which was fun.   We walked around and talked, then went to Barnes and Noble and looked at books and talked some more.  It’s always really nice to see her.  I can let my hair down, and talk to her about things I can’t talk to anyone else about, and relax knowing she won’t judge or laugh.  I really hope we get to hang out more, cause I don’t see her nearly enough.

So things are good…I haven’t updated my food diary all week, but I’ve actually been doing well.  No fast food, only Starbucks and fruit and salads. I feel proud.  Now if I could only drag my ass to the gym more often…

Food Diary:
Breakfast: my macchiato