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Tough Love July 29, 2008

Posted by Sparkel in annoyances, family, I know life isn't supposed to be fair but jeez....

I told my sister that she and her boyfriend need to move out by the end of next month.

Granted, they already announced they were planning on leaving “in September, maybe?”, but after dealing with enough of their antics I’ve officially decided that an indefinite date is not good enough. The hard (and dumb) thing about it is that I truthfully feel really bad about it. I was selfishly excited when she moved in because it meant I would FINALLY have someone from my family living with me again, and I wouldn’t feel so alone, and there would be someone on my side, HURRAH! But almost from the get-go I began to feel like I was being taken advantaged of. I wasn’t seen as the owner of the house, or as the older sister who so generously provided a refuge, two things I was sure wouldn’t even be questioned. I honestly thought she would be so grateful that she would make a solid effort to actually oh I dunno, clean up after herself, or say…turn off the stove, or um, gee…not leave the front door open ALL. NIGHT. LONG. on two occasions. The biggest fight we got into was because she refused to clean the bathroom they share with M’s mom for the first four months they were living there, and when I repeatedly asked her when she would do it, she completely brushed me off. I finally reached my breaking point after a week of repeatedly harassing her to do it, and she actually got angry with me for yelling at her.

They have this whole “we can do whatever we want regardless of anyone else” mentality. I told them to please not cook past eleven because four of us need to wake up at 6 for work, and you can hear the going-ons in the kitchen from everywhere in the house. They would stumble home at 2 am, and sure enough, I’d hear the microwave or chopping sounds. The breaking point for that battle was when they did it at 4 am one night and had the nerve to try to tell me they were having “an early breakfast.” Like that makes any difference whatsoever. It was annoying as hell, and the most annoying part was being made to feel like I’m some random CRAZY person with a stick up her butt for constantly needing to practically parent the two of them.

He lost his key (which I bought) about a month in. Then she lost her key the other night. I get it, keys get lost, shit happens, yadda yadda. But! They were home all day Sunday (granted they were sleeping) and didn’t get another key made. They asked me to drive them to Outback for dinner at 8 pm, but didn’t ask anyone for a ride to Home Depot. So, they go out with their friends, and then come home at midnight and crawl through the front window. This was mind boggling mainly because they constantly did the same thing when they were living at my parents, and it was a HUGE bone of contention with my dad. Call me paranoid, but I mean, way to announce to the (admittedly not exactly pristine) neighborhood that we keep our windows unlocked. And they purposely left it unlocked before I gave them a ride. That’s what makes me really angry. The planning and the sneaking and the lying and the assumption that I’m a total idiot who will always be none the wiser.

I’ve had enough.

But, I am dealing with the nagging whisper “she’s your sister” that’s trying to plague me with guilt. So, my question to you: how do you deal with someone you like/love when they refuse to behave like a decent person?


Bleh Part…too many to count at this point. March 31, 2008

Posted by Sparkel in annoyances, I know life isn't supposed to be fair but jeez..., work.

The weekend was basically a big onslaught of suck starting from just before I left work on Friday.  My boss handed me my paycheck and then informed me that I would no longer be able to come in before 8:30 am, and also, by-the-way style, he may need to cut hours again soon, but he’s “not sure yet.”


This made me angry for several reasons.  One, I do not have benefits at this job.  I don’t have any kind of insurance, I don’t have vacation time, sick time, and the pay is pretty mediocre considering I know the how this office runs like the back of my hand and KEEP IT RUNNING pretty thanklessly.  The only perk this job has offered is a flexible schedule, so for my boss to take it away and sort of shrug and obviously not really care one way or another that this will fuck with my schedule and paycheck really pissed me off.  Nonchalantly mentioning that he may need to cut hours after he JUST CUT THEM a few months back made me positively seethe with anger.

So, I am officially looking for a new job.  I found one this morning that could be awesome (double the pay, no traffic, 7:30-4, benefits) so I’m polishing up my resume tonight.  It’s going to be weird working somewhere else, but frankly I need a job that will be reliable, and considering the last time my boss pulled this I got basically a weekends notice, I can’t count on it not happening again.  I really hope I get this job.  Wish me luck!

I worked on Saturday then went to get my every-two-weeks-like-clock-work manicure.  I decided to go to a place that charges a little less than the place I usually go, and found out the hard way (which is apparently the only way I learn) why those places charge less.  I don’t know if the woman thought I would be impressed with how quickly (read: rushed) she worked, or how she barely glanced at my hands, but instead chose to talk to her coworkers or see who was coming in.  I don’t know if she cared for repeat customers, or if she just wanted to get to her lunch.  Because she filed my nails so hard that she made three of my cuticles bleed, and the proceeded to get ANNOYED that the BLOOD WOULDN’T STOP.  At one point I pulled my hands back, cocked my head, and very calmly said “can you please be a little more gentle?”  She gave me a terse “sorry” and continued to attack my hands.  After she was done she just got up and walked over to one of her coworkers and started eating.  Didn’t tell me where to go to dry my nails.  I figured it out after scanning the place and left shortly after.

I paid the cashier and started to walk away, and she actually had the nerve to say “no tip?”  I looked her right in the eye, held up my hand to show her the blood that was STILL working its way out of my poor fingers and said “um, here’s a tip: don’t make your customers bleed!” and flounced away.

I scrubbed the shit out of my hands with peroxide (which felt WONDERFUL, let me tell you) and put neosporin on after I got home, thought I will admit I briefly entertained how satisfying it would be to sue the bajeesus out of those people for their shoddy work resulting in an infection.  It’d be two birds with one stone; watch a shitty company go out of business and FINALLY get a perk from my job (free legal service.)

Hope you had a better weekend.

Letting go. February 21, 2008

Posted by Sparkel in annoyances, family, I know life isn't supposed to be fair but jeez..., to friend or not to friend.

I don’t write about this in detail for a few reasons. One, fear that the wrong people will see it. Two, once I get going it’s difficult to stop (aka this will be long, you’ve been warned.) Three, I keep hoping that if I pretend it doesn’t exist it will just go away.

But it fills my thoughts, conversations with friends, and sometimes keeps me up at night. It has filled my life, and I’m sick of it.

I hate M’s sister.

I’ve never hated anyone before. I’ve never wished anyone real harm, spent time plotting revenge, or just shuddered when someone’s name was mentioned. This girl…what can I say about her?

She’s a 13 year old trapped in a 30 year old body. She’s selfish, immature, malicious, sneaky, sadistic and pitiful. She pretends to be nice to your face but she will do whatever she can think of to make your life miserable in small ways. She’ll stab you in the back with a smile on her face and then look at you like “who, me??” She is the queen of doing little things that you wouldn’t notice if it didn’t directly effect you. She will poke you and poke you and poke you until you finally lose it and then she smiles, shrugs and is all “wow, she’s crazy huh?” Basically, she’s either insane or evil. Or both.

I have it ingrained in my brain that when someone does something wrong, they need to acknowledge it, to apologize. If someone hurts your feelings they should be sorry. They should admit wrongdoing. They should care. And I cannot be fake. I cannot pretend to be happy if I’m not. I cannot pretend to like you if I don’t. It is written all over my face, my tone, everything. I can be your best friend or your worst enemy, but I leave that choice to you. I believed I was right with every fiber of my being. It wouldn’t have been so bad if they didn’t turn on me so quickly. If it wasn’t so obvious that because I’m not blood I don’t matter the same way. That my feelings and the fact that in most situations I was the victim meant nothing.

I won’t go into detail about what has happened. I won’t list all the ways that she makes my life and M’s life miserable. I have wasted two years of my life on this girl…on wondering how anyone could be so malicious, feeling betrayed, and seething with anger.

I have gone from confusion to wishing she would disappear to relishing in this hate to planning little ways to get back at her to obsessing over the situation with anyone who would listen to crying to complaining to ranting to seriously considering therapy or anger management to reading inspirational quotations about dealing with difficult times to just wanting to put it all behind me. I just finished a book by Pema Chodron that I bought specifically for guidance on how to deal with all this anger in my heart.

I told a friend that I want to become more spiritual because I don’t want to be bitter or angry. That I got the Pema book, want to start meditating and learn how to push anger away and not let people effect me so much.

She said “honestly, I think this shows how much better of a person you already are. I mean, think about it. She’s just selfish and evil and genuinely pretends that she does nothing wrong when she must know that she does. And you feel so mean and guilty for disliking someone who is just not a good person at all. I mean you’ve talked about THERAPY for reacting the way any normal person would react to this girl. You need to just not like her and be fine with it.”

I seem to have this five year old mentality of just complete shock and incredulous awe that someone could purposely hurt someone or not like me when I’ve done nothing to deserve it. I remember visiting my cousin a few years ago and her three boys were playing, and the oldest one (kind of a bully) tripped the youngest one (who was four and adorable and the sweetest kid I’ve ever met to this day) and started laughing with the middle one. The four year old stood up, looked just so hurt and surprised that anyone could do such a mean thing on purpose and then laugh, and his face crumpled as he said, in the saddest little voice, “why would you do that??”

That’s basically been me for the past two years.

I had a talk with M the other night and very calmly told him how I feel and what I want. I want it to be okay for me to only  civil. I will say hi and bye and leave it at that. I don’t expect him to do the same. I will respect that she is his sister and that he has a right to have a relationship with her. But I do not think she is a good person, and every single time I give her the benefit of the doubt she makes me regret it. I won’t do what everyone else does and pretend that I don’t notice all of the shitty things she does. I accept that I have to live with her for another couple of years. You know that quote “if someone were to speak ill of you, live so no one would believe them”? That’s what I want to do.

His response? “I think that’s for the best. Just stop thinking about this. I mean, she’s not losing sleep over you.”

Truer words have never been spoken.

So for now, this is the where I stand:

I am grateful that M has stuck by me. I’m sticking by him too. I’m happy that I knew what it was like to be loved by my “inlaws,” even if it was only for a short period of time. I feel at peace, because I truly feel that I have done what I was supposed to. I do not like her. I do not have to. I can’t control her, but I can control me. I can choose how she affects me. And I say she stops affecting me at all now.

This will be the last time I talk about any of this. This post served as a way to get things out that were still on my mind. I’m over it, I’m done. I’m keeping her name out of my blog, mouth, mind and relationships.

I’m going to be happy again. I’m taking back control over my moods and thoughts and feelings. In short, I’m letting it go.

Yesterday was lovely October 24, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in I know life isn't supposed to be fair but jeez....
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First, I’m driving M to the metro.  There is a group of kids standing at a crosswalk, and one of them decided to cross, even though there was a car (in front of me) going about 40 mph from 20 feet away.  So, the car in front of me slams on his brakes, I slam on mine, and unfortunately the person behind me decided to slam into me.  The car is okay (the bumper is completely scratched and dented and needs to be replaced), and M and I are okay, and the person who hit me is okay.  She’s in high school and started crying when we got out.  Reminded me of me at that age (because apparently I’m now 80.) 

Then I went to the dentist and found out I need a root canal.  WOOO!  And because I don’t have insurance it’s going to be a whopping $2600. 

So, lets recap the past month:

1) Lost half my job.
2) The whole fiasco with my car being towed and having that whole mess cost a good $350.
3) Getting rear-ended.
4) Needing a root canal and probably needing to sell my family into white slavery to pay for it (sorry guys, you will be missed <3)

I can’t wait to find out what’s coming next!

Money=blah October 18, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in I know life isn't supposed to be fair but jeez..., work.
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I know most people do not like to read about money.  Well, money-woes.  I don’t like to whine about money but I will just for today because it’s on my mind and I need to vent.

Things are still not back to normal at my job.  My patience is wearing thin.  I have been assured all week that it will happen “any day now” and “by Monday definitely”, but so far, nada.  And it’s Thursday.  *sigh*

I really don’t want to look for another job.  Even though I was talking to the paralegal (who is looking for contract work) and she said that I could easily find another admin job that pays more and actually offers benefits.  I’ve never had a job that offers benefits.  My last job gave me one week paid vacation for the last year I was there.  No health, so sick time, no 401k or stock options.  My boss does give pretty sweet Christmas bonuses and may-or-may-not give us each a hefty bonus for “sticking things out now,” but right now I just want stability.

Part of the reason for these concerns is that M and I have been planning to go to El Salvador to visit his family for the past few months.  We found plane tickets two months ago that were under $600, and now, because we waited like idiots, the only available tickets are at least $1000.  And M wants to go for 17 days.  17 days with no vacation pay seems like a LOT of money now that I’m not working as much.  Plus spending money while we’re there…this trip is going to cost a good $3500 easily.  Which was okay when I knew I was working full time and could easily afford my monthly bills and save for the next two months for spending and bill money.  Now that my income has been cut in half, and there’s no real way to know when it will go back to normal…I’m worried. 

It sucks so much because M is so looking forward to this trip, and my job and financial situation is what’s holding us up.  What would really, REALLY save the day is…you know what, I won’t even mention it because then it won’t happen.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed big time though.

Money ruins everything. 

And the hits just keep on coming… October 1, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in I know life isn't supposed to be fair but jeez....
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This morning I woke up to M asking where my car went.  I told him I parked it in one of the rows of spaces near our house and he said it wasn’t there.  Panicked, I called my parents to see if for some reason someone there came over to get the car (which would be impossible considering only M and I have keys to it) and my mom said they didn’t.  She told me to call the police right away, which I did.  The operator asked for the tag number, which of course I haven’t memorized, so all I could do was give her my address and the make model and year.  She asked if it was parked in front of a house near here, and I said “possibly” and she gave me the number of a towing company.  I called them and it turns out that my tags expired so someone who was looking for cars whose tags expired came while I was sleeping and towed the car away.  Didn’t leave a note, just let me nearly have a heart attack because I thought my car was stolen.  My sister drove me to pick up the car, and I had to pay $130 to get it out.  I gave the lady a BIG piece of my mind about how I called 911 for the first time in my life because I thought the car was stolen, and even if the tags had expired, that’s a really shitty thing to do to someone.  She was, of course, completely unapologetic and now I need to park the car at my parents house until I go to the MVA tomorrow to see if I can get a sticker from there.  I don’t even need to take off work because I’m not allowed to work more than three days.  So that’s good I guess (except, you know…not.)

This weekend SUCKED.  You know how bad things supposedly come in threes…wonder what’s next?

Oh noooooooo!! July 13, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in I know life isn't supposed to be fair but jeez....
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M just told me that they closed down our absolute favorite chicken restaurant due to the owners laundering money and hiring and harboring illegal immigrants.  I’m so sad!  They seriously had the best chicken I’ve ever had in my life.  We were planning on going there this weekend.  This is the most horrible news… RIP Pollo Rico.  You will be missed.

In other news…

I hung out with Jess last night.  It was a lot of fun.  We had dinner, at laughed at our insane waiter.  Then we hit Starbucks.  Then we went to drop some food I got for M off at my house, but he wasn’t there and it was almost 11, and he wasn’t answering his cell, which is so not like him that I got worried.  I tried to think of where he could be, and the only place I could think of was the gym, so we drove to the one by my house, and sure enough, there he was, running on the treadmill.  We talked to him for a while, then Jess and I went to this park by her house to swing on the swings and talk.  It was a lot of fun.  We need more nights like it in the future.

Not much is really new.  M and I are trying to decide where to go on vacation later this summer.  We decided to go to El Salvador to see his family for two weeks during winter break, so we’re going to buy the tickets and get our passports ASAP.  I’m excited, but kinda nervous.  I need to learn as much Spanish as possible between now and then. 

That’s all for now….back to work.

Feeling better July 7, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in I know life isn't supposed to be fair but jeez..., M.
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Things seem a bit less overwhelming today.  Yesterday was just the worst day, emotionally.  I was such a girl about everything.  I cried three differents times (I mean, sobbing crying) over feeling frustrated, then hurt, then just really sad. 

M and I had it out last night.  I’m usually not shy about saying whatever comes to mind, so for me to speak my mind was really nothing new.  But he is very quiet and hates to argue, so our fights usually consist of me yelling and crying and him consoling me as much as I’ll let him.  (I have a flair for the dramatic, I’ll give myself that.)  But last night, after weeping uncontrollably about how hurt I am by certain things, and explaining the ins and outs of why I just can’t get past certain things, he sort of exploded (but in a nicer way) and said some things that really made me think.  Some stuff I really don’t agree with (“you get mad over nothing all the time”-um…it’s really not nothing, sweetie), but a lot of the things I could totally see where he’s coming from, and even though it hurts, he’s right.  I need to change some of my behavior if I want us to be happy.  I need to become more level and not so up and down all the time.  I need to realize that he is his own person, with needs and wants and feelings, and just because I don’t agree with all of them, it doesn’t give me the right to be angry or pick fights.  I need to let go of all the issues I have with his family.  That’s pretty much the driving force in our fights right now.  It’s the underlying problem, the elephant in the room, and the thing I bring up when I’m angry, with no real regard to whether the current problem and that have anything to do with eachother.  (Me- “I wish you would answer me as soon as I call you rather than wait 10 minutes!  You wouldn’t do that to your mom!  And knowing what she did to you recently, that’s a pretty big slap in the face to me, don’t you think????”, etc.)  He basically told me last night, in no uncertain terms, that he’s sick of it, and the fact that I do it all the time makes it hard for him to want to be sweet to me.  Painful to hear, but….understandable. 

So, I’m biting my tongue about certain things.  I was reading Calvin and Hobbes the other day, and Calvin asked “Do you think it’s better to give in, or to stick to your guns all the time, no matter what?” to which Hobbes replied “I think you should hold fast when you can, and compromise when you need to.”  Calvin’s response?  “That’s far more mature than I ever intend to be.”  Funny…but in real life, you’re just a complete pain in the ass.  So, I’m resolving to be the awesome, sweet, well-balanced, fun chick I know is in here somewhere and see what happens then. 

frustrated July 6, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in I know life isn't supposed to be fair but jeez....
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I’m at work waiting for my paycheck that my boss, for some unbeknownst reason, always waits until the last minute to do, so I always end up staying at least twenty minutes later than I marked on my time sheet.  Kinda annoying…

Other than that…I feel really annoyed and on edge.  Every time someone talks to me my immediate reaction is to shush them.  It’s weird, and I don’t really know where it’s coming from.  I just feel tired of my every day life.  I know it’s annoying when people who have it pretty good bitch about their life when there are millions of others in the world who have it much harder…but I feel really angry about the way things are and how everything seems to have slipped out of my control.  I feel like I don’t have any say in anything I do or spend money on or feel.  If I have an opinion, the majority of people in my life either don’t care or tell me I’m wrong.  It’s gotten to the point where I really, REALLY just want to get away from everyone and everything for a good month.  Go somewhere where no one can bother me and come back refreshed and nonchalant. 

I’ve always dreamed of moving to Europe for a year…traveling around, working random jobs, meeting interesting people and seeing all of the things I’ve wanted to see for so long…and coming back a brand new, much improved person.  I’d have a whole new outlook, be so sophisticated and worldly and elegant that everyone would just automatically respect every little thing I do and say, and I would feel free. 

I dream of being free from caring what others think and doing what I want for a change. 

And right now, to be realistic, I dream of getting my damn paycheck so I can go home and sleep.

le sigh… July 2, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in I know life isn't supposed to be fair but jeez....
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I consider myself to be a fair person.  I really do.  I believe that I (at least try to) treat my nearest and dearest with courtesy and generosity.  But I seldom feel that it is returned. 

My parents spoil my brother and sister.  Shane is the oldest, so he gets first pick of favors, presents and money, and Deanna is the youngest, so she gets babied and pitied and anything she asks for.  I get forgotten except for the incredulous looks my parents give me when I point out the unfairness of it all.

I am not exaggerating.  My mom inherited a very large sum of money when her mother died.  Since she got it she has bought both my siblings cars, given them TV’s, and money when they ask for it (thousands at a time).  The only thing I’ve asked her for is money for school, and I had to fight for that every semester.  She offered to pay off my car, but then rescinded that offer when deciding that “she just spent so much on Shane and Deanna.”  (I’m not kidding, that’s a direct quote.)  I’m not trying to be ungrateful, I do appreciate her help.  I don’t expect or want to be showered with money and presents.  I completely enjoy being and feeling independant, that what I have is mine because I worked for it.  But when my mother tells me that the 50-some inch flat screen plasma tv she bought herself three months ago “just isn’t big enough” so she’s going to give it to my brother (after she bought him a $600 tv less than a year ago) and buy herself a new one…it’s hard not to seethe.  And after spending 20 minutes explaining that, no, I do not want a free ride, but that I also don’t want to see anyone else get one either, she tells me “you work 70 hours a week! You must have money.  Your brother and sister don’t work as much, they need help!”…

It’s hard to feel anything but bitter and wish that you thought to fuck up on someone else’s dime rather than do things the “right way.”