The Girl Who Cried “Change” July 25, 2009Posted by Sparkel in annoyances, meee, realizations.
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I have always wholeheartedly believed that if a person is defensive when insulted, a nerve has been struck. If someone were to call me say, stupid, I wouldn’t pay any attention because I know I’m not stupid, and clearly the person saying it doesn’t know me very well.
But one word that has ALWAYS struck a nerve? Hypocrite.
I’m annoyed by people who say one thing and do another. People who rant at length about their problems and come to solutions they declare will become their new way of life and yet you and everyone else listening knows things will never change.
It wasn’t until this past week that I realized I am, 100%, one of those people.
I believe that actions speak louder than words. Yet I constantly find myself trying to talk my way out of problems and situations I am unhappy with. My father has always said I should be a lawyer because I can argue, rationalize and talk my way out of anything. I can justify any action I take, just give me a few hours and a couple nods.
Example: I got excited about remodeling things in our house, like the bathrooms and kitchen. So excited that I looked for a cabinet refacing company online, and found one in my area that does free home estimates. I sent them M’s email and phone number, (because I think men deal with men much more easily) and when they called, M scheduled an appointment but he was upset with me over it. Shocked by his reaction, I asked what the problem was, and he said that this is a company with workers who are trying to make money and run a business, and I was wasting their time because we don’t have the money right now and likely won’t be able to start on the kitchen until next summer. I stubbornly protested that they offer free estimates, they can’t expect every house they visit to immediately sign, and I wasn’t doing anything wrong.
A guy came over to do the estimate, and when I told him we were just beginning to check around and see what prices are like, he was angry. He didn’t yell or say anthing, but it was pretty obvious. And M had that “told you so” look on his face after the guy left. And I truly felt guilty, had a knot in my stomach and wanted to rush after the guy and apologize for wasting his time. So what did I do? I spent a good ten minutes justifying it, giving M and his sister the reasons I listed above. M’s sister agreed with me, which is actually what gave me pause. I think she is extraordinarily selfish, so for her to think I did the right thing was stomach churning.
Another example? Relates to yesterday’s post. I told my sister everything about M’s confession and planned proposal and she immediately yelled at me for ruining what could have been a wonderful surprise for me and a special moment for him because I had to push. She said I’m like our mother, that I nag and I’m selfish and always have to get my way, no matter what anyone else’s side is. And then she told our father that I’m pressuring M into marriage and he is going to end up resenting me. My dad asked me about is this morning, and warned me that men don’t like to be pushed and I should have waited for him to ask.
I feel a larger, more intricate knot over this predicament. But overall, I think they’re right. My problem is not that I NEEDED to know when M is going to propose, or that I NEEDED to know the price to remodel our kitchen. My problem is that my execution for every whim I have is sloppy and the dismount is usually appallingly awful because I have no patience and find it difficult to have faith in others intentions. I push because I want other people to want the same things I do. And if they don’t, I try to convince them to see things my way. And if they come over to my side out of sheer OH MY EFFING LORD, ANYTHING TO SHUT THIS WOMAN UP, I justify why I was right all along. I love to plan, but I never manage to follow through on anything really. And I just end up looking like an insincere, immature moron who has no idea what she wants.
I’m coming to the realization that if you are right about something, you won’t have to justify it. Not to yourself, and not to anyone else. And it’s better to change quietly and have your actions speak for you, than to rant at length and then have your actions come up short.
I… March 1, 2009Posted by Sparkel in meee, meme.
I am…posting again after a random, unintentional hiatus.
I think…too much.
I know…less than I’d like.
I want…a beach, a notebook, strawberry lemonade, a good pen and unlimited hours.
I have…a pretty fantastic life to be honest.
I wish…it were even more fantastic. Greedy, I know.
I hate…good things ending and bad things being prolonged.
I miss…Arizona and my biggest concern being whether or not my lunchbox was cool enough for school.
I fear…abandonment as a result of my personality.
I feel…passionately about too many things.
I hear…the things you don’t say.
I smell…stargazer lilies that M gave me.
I regret…nothing. Everything, good and bad, made me who I am, and I’m pretty fond of me.
I care…too much about things that don’t concern me.
I am not…
I believe…in magic 😀
I dance…to the beat of a different drum.
I sing…loudly and out of tune.
I write…and hope to make a living out of it, but love it regardless.
I win…thumb wars and checkers fairly consistently.
I lose…faith in humanity more often than I’d like.
I never…want to lose hope that all you need is love.
I listen…even when it seems like I don’t.
I can usually be found…reading at Starbucks or Barnes and Noble.
I’m scared of…scaring people away.
I forget…nothing. Seriously, I am THE retainer of useless information and every conversation I’ve ever had.
I just…wanna go to Europe.
I am happy about…job prospects, having the basics in life and then some, awesome friends, a wonderful partner and the fact that this year is lookin’ good.
I’m currently sitting at my desk bemoaning the fact that I’m at work on Independence Day. I realize the underlying cause of this bemoaning is the fact that I wouldn’t necessarily need to be at work if it weren’t for the fact that I missed a few hours each day due to a visit to the doctor and the pain that hits like a sledgehammer from contracting a vicious little bitch of a virus that just does not want to go away or be suppressed no matter how many different medications I shove its way.
Of course, dealing with said virus would be easier if my job provides health insurance or paid sick leave. Dealing with being sick would also be easier if it were the only troublesome thing on my plate, but because I mistakenly turned a paper in past it’s lock date, and subsequently received a zero for the assignment and a D for the class and lost my financial aid for next year, right now my life just seems to suck all over the place.
This line of thinking conjures up the realization that while life has handed me a few lemons of late, my attitude could stand some fine-tuning, and that would make the biggest difference of all in every day right now.
There are things that happen that can’t really be helped. Getting sick came out of nowhere and shocked the hell out of me. And frankly, I have moments where all I wanna do is lay in bed and pout and moan about how unfair it is. And how now I have to be sick F-O-R-E-V-E-R and why oh why did this happen to meeee?? And then there are things like the mess with my class, or never-ending money woes, or time management issues, or weight issues that are 110% my fault and responsibility. I complain all the time and never get anywhere. “My job is boring.” Well, who’s job is it to hand me another one? “I never have money.” Okay, and who’s job is it to give me more than I earn? And monitor my spending habits to ensure I don’t waste all of it away yet again? “I lost financial aid for school.” Well, I shoulda read that due date more carefully. “I’m fat and gross.” And I belong to a gym and have 100% control over what goes into my mouth.
I’m 23 and still seem to operate under the assumption that when my life stinks I have the right to complain, instead of either a) listening to that nagging voice that’s ALWAYS right and doing what I know I should in the first place or b) taking the necessary steps to fix my own messes. If I don’t make enough money, well then I guess i need to make more. If I don’t like my job, well I guess I should find one i like more. The one thing in life I can control is my actions, and what do I do? Pretty much nothing.
I’m honestly amazed that I don’t get slapped more often.
Obsessions May 22, 2008Posted by Sparkel in meee.
I’ve realized that it is absolutely essential that I have an obsession at all times.
In high school it was WB teen shows, like Dawson’s Creek, Buffy and Roswell. I recorded every episode on carefully labeled VHS tapes and watched them at least ten times before the new episode came on. When I was bored in class I wrote lines of dialogue from memory in a five-subject notebook. I think I filled about three of them.
I’m one of those annoying people who repeats the same song the entire way to and from anywhere. I watched Titanic 15 times while it was still in theaters. I drive M crazy when I buy DVD’s because I’m known to keep them in a loop for a few weeks. I’ve read my favorite books at least five times each. I read the entire Harry Potter series in a week. I’ve read Atlas Shrugged three times. I quote The Office at least once in every conversation mainly because I watch at least one episode every day so I know them all by heart. When I love something, I LOVE it. I cannot watch or read anything just once.
During fall and winter my obsession is my shows. When May hits I don’t really know what to do with my thoughts or my free time until I find myself some books to obsess over.
And boy-oh-boy, did I hit the jackpot! I’ve heard about how amazing Twilight is for months. I finally decided to get it, and finished last night (and already started rereading it this morning.) I cannot get it out of my head. I already ordered the next two books off Amazon and I’m seriously considering canceling the order and just running to Borders so I don’t have to wait anymore (the extra $20 I’ll spend be damned!!)
What do you obsess over?
23(?)(!) May 16, 2008Posted by Sparkel in meee, realizations.
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I turned 23 the other day. It’s a very strange feeling so far, knowing I’m being pushed farther into the abyss known as Adulthood, one of my arms reaching back, grasping for my youth while the other arm is thrown in front of me into a welcoming half-hug. I pushed “23” as my age into the elliptical and just felt old. I half expected my joints to creak as I started up.
Everyone keeps insisting that 23 is not old. 23 is in fact, quite young, and I have my whole entire long life ahead of me, yadda yadda yadda. It really only feels old when I think of all the things I thought I would have done by now. Traveled to Europe, lived with girlfriends, finished school, etc. Instead I live in a house I partially own with my boyfriend and members of our respective families. In my world, I’m one of the reliable ones. Are 23 year olds supposed to be reliable? Mature? Paying a mortgage?
The twenties is such a strange time. It reminds me of being 11, and not really feeling like a kid, but not quite feeling like a teen either. Not knowing what’s “normal,” or “cool” anymore. I know people who are married with kids, or who are not married with kids, or who are still in school, or who have well-paying jobs, or are already establishing careers, or who still live at home, or who don’t work at all, or own their own place, or live by themselves, or who live with roommates. What the heck is normal? How do you gage your progress?
Part of me really wants to make this year count. I feel like it’s the last one that will allow me to bar-hop, drink a bunch, have wild, crazy nights and not feel out of place or get those “um…really?” looks. I regret the things I mentioned before (no Europe, no live-in besties, no degree), and I really don’t want to regret missing the whole “woo hoo TWENTIES!” phase that has become such a cliche. I want to go to the gym and eat healthy food, and once in my life allow myself to have the body I’ll look back on when I’m 70 and think “man, I was a DISH!”
So, to be cheesy; 23 will be a party and about ME (the last year I allow myself to be selfish when it comes to my time or money), 24 will be about more (AKA setting my self up as far as a career, getting that pesky degree, and saving for Europe goes.)
Wish my generally shy, homebody, “the metro BY. MY. SELF?”, somewhat sheltered self luck.
And look forward to pictures 😀
Maybe I AM a gift! May 2, 2008Posted by Sparkel in M, meee.
Conversation with M today, after an argument last night about getting over things:
M: I do love you, but I just wish you would stop punishing me for things and bringing things up.
Me: Okay, fine, you know what. This is the realization I came to last night: we are going to be just like any other couple. We don’t need to be special. We don’t need to be sweet and loving and sorry when the other one hurts at all. We can just say “hi” and “bye” and “whatever” to everything else. Dates don’t need to be wonderful, and sex doesn’t need to be meaningful. I mean, animals have sex and it’s no biggie to them, so why should we be any different? I am not special, and you are not special, so from now on I am going to treat you like you’re not special at all.
M: Oh, you’re special all right.
Me: NO I AM NOT. I am just like any other girl. Actually, I AM SPECIAL! And you know what I’m gonna do?? I am going to save all my specialness for MYSELF. I won’t show you or anyone else. I will be special when I’m alone, and relish my awesomeness and as soon as someone walks into a room I will turn it off. That’ll show you all!
M: It sounds like you’re just tired of people not treating you like the gift that you are…
Me: Exac-WHAAA? Oh no you just didn’t!
M: *laughing* oh come on, you have to admit, that was funny.
Me: You know what, I am like Paula Abdul in the sense that it’s one step forward, two steps back with EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN MY LIFE.
I might be alright. April 24, 2008Posted by Sparkel in meee, realizations.
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There are times when I genuinely wonder if I’ll ever be the person I want to be. Actually, there are times when living in a house with a handful of people who make me feel like I’m obstinate, bitchy and always wrong makes me wonder if I’m losing my mind. I remember a time when I thought I’d be married at 22. And I remember assuming I would live with a couple friends and it would be fun and amazingly wonderful. And I remember always assuming I’d have been all over the world by now. Hell, I can say, without reason or logic, that I have always assumed that one day I will walk on the moon and see all the planets up close.
I might not have read all the books on my ever-growing list. I might not be radiantly happy all the time. I might not have been to Europe or Australia. I might still only speak one language. I might need to go to the gym a hell of a lot more, and I could stand to eat a little healthier. I might not always do what I set out to do, or what I say I’m going to do. I might not have a thousand friends, or even a solid group. I might stutter when I get nervous, or feel awkward in crowded social settings. I might curse the people around me, question whether these fights are worth fighting, and feel completely alone.
But I can say that when I am completely alone, I like the company that my personality provides. I like my thoughts. Sometimes I even laugh out loud at them, or hunt for a piece of paper to write things down, all “ooh that was good!”
The other day was absolutely perfect, weather wise. So after work I took one of the many books I keep in my car, got my drink from Starbucks, and went to sit on a bench in a little, somewhat crowded courtyard. I was wearing a sundress with a pink sweater, really cute heels, big sunglasses and had my Coach bag. I remember thinking that anyone who walked by would take one look and probably scoff and say “ugh, look at her. What a cliche.”
And then I thought back to younger me, insecure and wanting to belong. I thought back to her idea of pretty or cool. And I realized that if she walked by, she’d want to be me.
And in a way, that’s good enough.
Smiling April 8, 2008Posted by Sparkel in M, meee.
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I asked M if he has any pictures of me hanging around anywhere, and he said yes. I gave him a knowing look, and he smiled and said “in my memory.”
Me: *sad face* “…”
Then, M sweetly laughed and said “you know why you have such a pretty smile? There’s something about your mouth, where you just make the most perfect expressions.”
I laughed, happily surprised, and said “how does one have “perfect expressions”?
M: “Your mouth just moves in a really perfect way. Like, you draw a smile or you draw a frown on paper to look like yours look. When I frown, my face doesn’t frown, but your mouth goes down so it really looks like a frown. It’s so cute.”
Me: “No one’s ever told me I have a pretty smile. Everyone makes fun of me for always smiling in photos, so I always assumed I have a cheesy smile.”
M: “No, you have a pretty smile. You have a perfect smile.”
…aaaaaaaaand I’m still smiling 😀
Good Things Come in Fours March 20, 2008Posted by Sparkel in meee, meme.
I’ve been tagged!
Four films I’d watch again (in no particular order)
1. The Notebook
2. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
3. Beauty and the Beast
Four placed I’ve lived
1. Tucson, Arizona
2. Auburn, Alabama
4. Newton, Massachusetts (for a summer)
Four tv shows I watch
1. The Office
2. Friday Night Lights
3. The Hills
4. Arrested Development (on DVD)
Four Things to Eat
1. Honey glazed chicken
Four Places I’d Rather Be
1. Considering I’m at work, ANYWHERE
4. In bed
Four People to Tag
Do YOU wanna talk about No Country For Old Men? March 19, 2008Posted by Sparkel in books & movies & shows, I kinda love my life, meee.
I haven’t really posted for a while. Mostly because when I open the “write post” tab, I have a tendency to sit, tapping the keyboard while I wait for inspiration to just strike like lightning. When it didn’t I felt disappointed or bored and went onto more exciting things, like reading other blogs or some of my favorite sites.
Then I decided something. I said to myself “Self, why not read those books that have been piling up for months? Why not clean your room? Your car? Watch some movies? Write some reviews? Write some short stories!” What the heck am I waiting for? So, I started my revamp by reading every day. My usual schedule is to work from 7 until 3 or 4, then come home and lay around watching TV for an hour or so until I pick up M from the metro. Now, I read pretty quickly. I could finish a decent number of pages in an hour or so. So I’d come home and instead of turning on my TV I’d go straight to my “reading chair.” I read Stephen King’s On Writing, The Time Traveler’s Wife (again), Birdsong, What is the What, Atonement (again), The Other Boleyn Girl, Like Life, and I just started On My Own Two Feet (mostly because I’m getting a very decent tax return and I need to think smart this time.) I also decided to watch more films, and courtesy of Netflix and a wonderful site that has tons of movies for FREE (always key), I have watched more movies than I can remember lately.
The one that stuck out is No Country for Old Men. Suuuuch a good movie. It hits you like a gentle tap on the shoulder 20 minutes after the credits roll and you’re initially all “wait, that’s it??” Which I gotta be honest, I was not expecting. I don’t usually do well with violence, and from the previews I was all “this movie is gonna mind-fuck me hard.” But I liked it. A lot. And while I love M dearly, he’s not exactly um…fond of discussing books and film in depth. So I’ve been all “do YOU wanna talk about NCFOM?” to everyone. Unfortunately not too many of my nearest and dearest have seen it. I’m dying here people! So, I ask (or, you know, beg): do you wanna talk about No Country For Old Men?
So, thanks to these books and movies, I feel immensely more brilliant. Also, grateful for my sudden need to break from technology (well, some technology) because on Saturday I dropped my laptop, so it’s with the Geek Squad for the next two weeks. It’s been rough, but not as rough as it could have been.
Lastly I ask you; what books or movies have you read or watched lately that you’ve enjoyed?