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Nerd Pride June 19, 2009

Posted by Sparkel in books & movies & shows, to friend or not to friend.
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I am going to the beach for July 4th weekend with M’s sister and some of her friends, so they decided that we should get together and discuss money, transportation, etc. for the trip.  We had a bbq the other weekend, which two friends of M’s sister who have somewhat become friends of mine, attended.  One of the friends is reading the Twilight series, which I am a fan of.  We delved into a discussion about the last book and were almost immediately teased.  M’s sister brought up that I am currently re-reading the Harry Potter series, and said that she sees me reading every night into the wee hours and that she just doesn’t understand how anyone could like reading that much, or like to read “those books.”

My initial response was ‘what a close-minded idiot.’ I expected everyone else there to scoff at her and tell her that both series are actually quite enjoyable and that reading is awesome.

Instead I was greeted with a chorus of jeers and derogatory questions about what I could possibly see in reading, that it’s something done only by losers with nothing better to do and nerds.


Nerd [nɚd] is a term often bearing a derogatory connotation or stereotype, that refers to a person who passionately pursues intellectual activities, esoteric knowledge, or other obscure interests rather than engaging in more social or popular activities. Therefore, a nerd is often excluded from physical activity and considered a loner by peers or will tend to associate with like-minded people.

Now, maybe I am a little strange, but this definition makes me beam with pride.  I have been teased, called “four-eyes” and “loser” and “nerd girl” for as long as I can remember by people I genuinely just rolled all four of my eyes at and regarded as utter morons who were jealous because their imagination didn’t stretch as far, and thought ‘wow it must really suck to be that dumb’ so I would just cock my head and give a sympathetic look instead of crying like they so obviously wanted.

I spent my formative years feeling different and like an outcast.  And I’ve spent the last decade feeling a kinship with those who don’t think it’s weird to look forward to new releases and to read your favorite book until it’s so worn that pages start falling out and you’re forced to buy another copy.  Who don’t find it strange for a person’s idea of fun to be perusing Barnes and Noble and used book stores.  Who think a third of every paycheck being spent on books is money well spent.

I know I am not alone in my Harry Potter love and Twilight squee’s because JK Rowling and Stephenie Meyer are millionaires several times over.  Rowling is actually a billionaire.  Plus the stories are so difficult to put down!!  Harry Potter is so. freaking. GOOD!!

I tried explaining this to bitch-faces and little giggles that brought me back to middle school.  I was outnumbered and immediately defensive, telling two of the girls who are expecting that I realize it’s obviously too late for them to develop any kind of interest in something other than themselves, but that the people I really feel sorry for are their children.  Not only with they likely be illiterate until they begin school and are forced to read, they will probably develop the same close-minded jeering at those who enjoy taking their minds to wonderful places, and that the world will suffer for having more people like that in it.

Needless to say, the beach should be tons of fun.

(Especially when I pull Harry Potter out of my tote and settle in for some much needed beach-reading.  I’m on book 5, and have hardbacks of books 6 and 7, which are kind of huge and very heavy.  DO NOT TEMPT ME BIAS!)

I just want to make it clear that if you do not like to read, that’s fine.  Really it is.  But just as you cannot understand doing something you claim is mindnumbingly boring with your precious spare time, I, and others like me, cannot understand not wanting to read and enjoying it immensely.  There are books that I cannot imagine not reading before I leave this world.  There are times when I cannot sit still at my desk because I am so eager to get back to whatever I was reading in my car before begrudgingly walking to work.

I can promise that I will not question your choice of what to do with your time if you do not make fun of what I decide to do with mine.

As quoted from a most enjoyable movie, “don’t tease me about my hobbies. I don’t tease you about being an asshole.”



It’s cool, I’ve got plans anyway. July 30, 2008

Posted by Sparkel in realizations, to friend or not to friend, traveling.

I love being in the mood to make proactive changes and get stuff done. I polished my resume and applied to six jobs yesterday. I cleaned the crap out of my kitchen and bathroom (and pretended not to notice when the kitchen later looked like a tornado (made up of food and silverware) blew through it), managed to eat exactly according to my new fancy diet plan, have gone to the gym every day, made a colorful and extremely convoluted budget using Excel, which came in handy when I decided that my gift to M for when he finished grad school next June will be a week-long trip to…somewhere. I’m deciding between Greece, Brazil, Puerto Rico or just going on a cruise. I’m setting aside a substantial sum each month that I can afford whether or not I get a better-paying job. And I feel GOOD.

I also came to the conclusion yesterday (which was reached in part due to the lovely and oh so helpful comments from yesterdays post that confirmed what I already felt) that I’m tired of chasing people. I’m tired of trying to better my relationship with people, or go out of my way, or beg people to hang out with me. The fact is, I know exactly who the people in my life are. I know when I’m being crapped on, or when someone is giving less than I give them. The funny thing is that it’s usually the people who are the most insincere and quickest to disappear who insist you’re their BFF forever and ever and you just mean oh so much to them. (*Barf*)

I don’t like realizing that someone is more important to me than I am to them. Especially when it’s already in the back of my mind and about more than one person. It’s bothered me more than I let on, and I’m just sick of chasing things that will forever remain just out of reach. I’m sick of working up the courage to let someone know something’s bothering me only to have them resent me for thinking they’re less than perfect. I’ve come to the sad conclusion that there are situations where confrontations do no good because some people don’t want to hear the truth about themselves. They don’t care that they hurt you, they don’t care that you’re inconvenienced. If they did, they wouldn’t do a lot of things in the first place.

It sucks because it’s lonely by yourself. But honestly, it’s lonely either way, and my time is better spent on better people.

Frenemies July 25, 2008

Posted by Sparkel in to friend or not to friend.

I know it’s a fairly common occurrence (especially, or maybe only?) in friendships between women for feelings of underlying animosity, jealousy, unresolved tensions and just plain dislike to exist. I have known many an acquaintance who, should I run into them at Starbucks, or happen to share a college class with, I will exchange polite pleasantries and ask about their life, offering “ooh’s” and “aww’s” when appropriate. What I don’t like to admit is than my curious questions usually come out so I can measure my progress and current life situation against theirs, and then snark about the person later with my actual friends.

It’s not a good thing to realize about yourself, no matter how many people you know who do the exact same thing.

I’ve had a little experience with this, but it’s still very difficult to reconcile when one of your closest friends becomes a person you feel the need to snark on. To go from declarations of “OMGEE BFF’s For-EVAH!” to the behind-her-back admittance of “man, I feel like I don’t even know her anymore.” To realize qualities that you honestly wish you hadn’t realized, because now there’s really no going back. You’re stuck with the opinion that the person you’ve poured your heart out to really isn’t that great of a person. How do you even begin your explanation when the conversation that starts with “you’ve been really distant lately…” begins?

Looking back, I’ve come to the conclusion that it is very, very difficult to stay close with a person over a long period of time. I had a few friends in high school who I literally could not imagine not speaking to. I consider myself to be a fairly passionate person, and I think it bleeds into every relationship that I have. My high school friendships were all-consuming, spending every minute together, able to just walk into the others house and be treated like family, telling each other EVERY. LITTLE. DETAIL., calling each other crying at 2 am thing. And each friendship each just kinda burnt out, either due to growing apart, or an Ultimate Betrayal.

I feel like a five year old, whining “it’s not fair!!” Friendships aren’t supposed to be like that. What’s the saying? “You can’t choose your family, but you can choose your friends.” Why can’t people just be who they are, treat each other decently, sympathize, lend an ear or a shoulder, and give the kind of friendship you want in return? Why is every single relationship so complicated? I realize that a lot of effort and compromise must come when you’re trying to reconcile two different people’s opinions and feelings. But should it really be this much work all the time?

An obvious solution is to just be honest. But let’s be honest. Some people don’t want to hear the bad things you think of them. Some people would rather just pretend that everyone loves them, that they’re admirable and wonderful, and you’d just be raining on their parade. Telling them how you feel would only serve to make you feel better, and even that would be short-lived, because odds are, your friend would just put a distance and resent you until the day comes when you run into them at Starbucks, ask about their life, and then call your current BFF so you can snark.

And maybe later, when you’re alone with your memories, just sadly reminisce and wonder why all relationships have to be so damn confusing.

Letting go. February 21, 2008

Posted by Sparkel in annoyances, family, I know life isn't supposed to be fair but jeez..., to friend or not to friend.

I don’t write about this in detail for a few reasons. One, fear that the wrong people will see it. Two, once I get going it’s difficult to stop (aka this will be long, you’ve been warned.) Three, I keep hoping that if I pretend it doesn’t exist it will just go away.

But it fills my thoughts, conversations with friends, and sometimes keeps me up at night. It has filled my life, and I’m sick of it.

I hate M’s sister.

I’ve never hated anyone before. I’ve never wished anyone real harm, spent time plotting revenge, or just shuddered when someone’s name was mentioned. This girl…what can I say about her?

She’s a 13 year old trapped in a 30 year old body. She’s selfish, immature, malicious, sneaky, sadistic and pitiful. She pretends to be nice to your face but she will do whatever she can think of to make your life miserable in small ways. She’ll stab you in the back with a smile on her face and then look at you like “who, me??” She is the queen of doing little things that you wouldn’t notice if it didn’t directly effect you. She will poke you and poke you and poke you until you finally lose it and then she smiles, shrugs and is all “wow, she’s crazy huh?” Basically, she’s either insane or evil. Or both.

I have it ingrained in my brain that when someone does something wrong, they need to acknowledge it, to apologize. If someone hurts your feelings they should be sorry. They should admit wrongdoing. They should care. And I cannot be fake. I cannot pretend to be happy if I’m not. I cannot pretend to like you if I don’t. It is written all over my face, my tone, everything. I can be your best friend or your worst enemy, but I leave that choice to you. I believed I was right with every fiber of my being. It wouldn’t have been so bad if they didn’t turn on me so quickly. If it wasn’t so obvious that because I’m not blood I don’t matter the same way. That my feelings and the fact that in most situations I was the victim meant nothing.

I won’t go into detail about what has happened. I won’t list all the ways that she makes my life and M’s life miserable. I have wasted two years of my life on this girl…on wondering how anyone could be so malicious, feeling betrayed, and seething with anger.

I have gone from confusion to wishing she would disappear to relishing in this hate to planning little ways to get back at her to obsessing over the situation with anyone who would listen to crying to complaining to ranting to seriously considering therapy or anger management to reading inspirational quotations about dealing with difficult times to just wanting to put it all behind me. I just finished a book by Pema Chodron that I bought specifically for guidance on how to deal with all this anger in my heart.

I told a friend that I want to become more spiritual because I don’t want to be bitter or angry. That I got the Pema book, want to start meditating and learn how to push anger away and not let people effect me so much.

She said “honestly, I think this shows how much better of a person you already are. I mean, think about it. She’s just selfish and evil and genuinely pretends that she does nothing wrong when she must know that she does. And you feel so mean and guilty for disliking someone who is just not a good person at all. I mean you’ve talked about THERAPY for reacting the way any normal person would react to this girl. You need to just not like her and be fine with it.”

I seem to have this five year old mentality of just complete shock and incredulous awe that someone could purposely hurt someone or not like me when I’ve done nothing to deserve it. I remember visiting my cousin a few years ago and her three boys were playing, and the oldest one (kind of a bully) tripped the youngest one (who was four and adorable and the sweetest kid I’ve ever met to this day) and started laughing with the middle one. The four year old stood up, looked just so hurt and surprised that anyone could do such a mean thing on purpose and then laugh, and his face crumpled as he said, in the saddest little voice, “why would you do that??”

That’s basically been me for the past two years.

I had a talk with M the other night and very calmly told him how I feel and what I want. I want it to be okay for me to only  civil. I will say hi and bye and leave it at that. I don’t expect him to do the same. I will respect that she is his sister and that he has a right to have a relationship with her. But I do not think she is a good person, and every single time I give her the benefit of the doubt she makes me regret it. I won’t do what everyone else does and pretend that I don’t notice all of the shitty things she does. I accept that I have to live with her for another couple of years. You know that quote “if someone were to speak ill of you, live so no one would believe them”? That’s what I want to do.

His response? “I think that’s for the best. Just stop thinking about this. I mean, she’s not losing sleep over you.”

Truer words have never been spoken.

So for now, this is the where I stand:

I am grateful that M has stuck by me. I’m sticking by him too. I’m happy that I knew what it was like to be loved by my “inlaws,” even if it was only for a short period of time. I feel at peace, because I truly feel that I have done what I was supposed to. I do not like her. I do not have to. I can’t control her, but I can control me. I can choose how she affects me. And I say she stops affecting me at all now.

This will be the last time I talk about any of this. This post served as a way to get things out that were still on my mind. I’m over it, I’m done. I’m keeping her name out of my blog, mouth, mind and relationships.

I’m going to be happy again. I’m taking back control over my moods and thoughts and feelings. In short, I’m letting it go.

I’m impatient. She’s just an idiot. January 10, 2008

Posted by Sparkel in annoyances, M, meee, to friend or not to friend.

I just found out that one of my…I guess former friend now…got engaged five months ago. Two weeks into her relationship. She lives with her mom, and invited the guy to move in with her the day after they met. I’m all for spontaneity and romance, but come on! It’s ridiculous. And she knows it’s ridiculous, which is why she’s kept it a secret for four months. Her words: “don’t tell anyone cause I know how it looks.”

Truth? I’m not jealous of her relationship. I’m not jealous of anyone’s really because I’m happy with mine. But as more and more people I know get engaged and live together (just the two of them) and have babies, I feel a pang. I honestly feel that I and most of the people I know are still too young for this stuff. (She’s 24, so she’s not too young in my eyes. It’s just waaaay too soon.) But I can’t help but want it.

Last night M and I were talking about getting engaged. He said “finish school. That will be your motivation. I promise, I will propose to you the day you graduate.”

I protested that I want a romantic surprise. And then proceeded to grin like an idiot off and on for the rest of the night.

It’s the first time he’s said “I will propose to you.” I liked the sound of it.

I can wait. I know I should, and focus on making a good life for us when we are married by working hard now. Sometimes I pretend the promise ring he gave me for our first Christmas is an engagement ring. I’ve always worn it on my left ring finger, and have been asked more than once if I’m engaged. I’ve also said yes more than once, just to see how it feels. It feels good, I won’t lie.

*Just to clarify, I don’t think every person who gets married quickly is an idiot. I have a lot of bitterness toward her because when I told her I kinda wanted M to propose, she said it was too soon in our relationship. After we’d been together three years.*

Closure December 7, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in family, home improvements, to friend or not to friend.
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Last night I had a talk with M’s sister, Karla.  A two hour, “let’s get out everything we’ve been wanting to say, even if this is really random,” talk.  I finally said “you know what, whatevs” and told her things I’ve wanted to tell her for a good two years.  That I think she’s been selfish and manipulative about things.  That she put her mom and brother in a really awkward position, and even if I did too, I never tried to make them choose like she did.  That most of the time I couldn’t stand being in the same room with her, and that’s why I spent so much time in my room.  That I busted my ass to make the house a home, and all anyone ever does is use my stuff, and never contributes or offers money, and because of it it’s hard to not feel like they’re using me.  That I felt like I was living with someone else’s family, and it was lonely.  That I was angry at her and her mom for abandoning all affection they had for me so quickly, and even if I’ve gotten past a lot of it, I’m still not over it and don’t know when I will be.

Miracle of miracles- she listened and understood.  She told me that I’ve been cold and distant, and it made living in the house miserable.  My response?   “Good.  That’s exactly what I wanted you all to be because that’s exactly what I was.”  I admitted that I went a touch overboard, and that I was rude at times and could have gone about things in a better way, but overwhelmingly I honestly feel that I was reacting to them, and I refuse to accept even half the blame.  And another miracle?  She agreed.  She said “you felt like we divorced you” and I told her that was exactly it.  She said that she wants me to feel like part of the family, and that when she talks about me, she refers to me as her sister or sister in law, and that for a long time she just didn’t understand why I was acting the way I was.  I told her that I did feel like part of the family for the first two years I was with M, and that’s why it hurt so much when they disregarded my side and my feelings.  I told her that I didn’t understand why, if family is so important, the fact that M loves me, and is happy with me, and that I’ve tried SO. DAMN. HARD. to be a good girlfriend to him means nothing unless I’m getting along with Karla.  I told her that I’m not a horrible person, and M doesn’t think I’m a horrible person, and that should count for something, right?  And she said they never thought I was a horrible person, they just didn’t understand why I was so cold.  But now she does, and she’s sorry for everything.  I told her that this conversation needed to happen before I got over my anger.  That she can’t just pretend everything is fine and expect me to do the same because I don’t work that way.  I need apologies.  I need explanations.  Sue me.  I can do the same, and admit when I’m wrong, so I need other people to suck it up and do the same.  I told her that it’s selfish of her to move out a year after we moved in because M and I cannot afford the house on our own.  She tearfully told me that she’s 30, and has dreams of having her own house.  I told her that we all have dreams, and that (no offense) but living with my boyfriends family isn’t what I thought I’d be doing at 22.  And M’s mom probably didn’t think she’d be divorced and have to rely on her kids.  But we all agreed and made the choice, and we all have to live with it.  She said she never thought of it that way, and that she’s not going anywhere without helping us until we can afford otherwise.

I finally feel what I’ve needed to feel regarding her- closure.  I relayed the conversation to M, and he seems happy that we finally had it out.  I’m happy too.

With friends like mine… August 24, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in realizations, The Diet, to friend or not to friend.
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Last night was really nice.  My sister came over and we hung out just the two of us for the first time in a looooong time.  We talked until almost 1:30 about everything…my grandmother, our boys, friends that aren’t so great…it was like old times.  We made plans to hang out next weekend, and I really hope we do because I miss her a lot. 

I spent a good part of the workday yesterday talking to Anna about issues with people.  I told her a little of what went on with my parents when I was younger, and the effect it seems to have had on my thoughts and self-esteem.  I hate using the way other people treat you or experiences as a cop-out for being an asshole.  I never want to be one of those people.  But more and more I feel really angry and disenchanted with a lot of people.  Anna said something really sweet: “It just really sucks that you deal with such crappy people who do such crappy things because you’re not one of those people who asks for it, or who likes drama in their lives.  You deserve it less than anyone I know.  It would just be nice if people would live up to your standards.  It’s not like they’re even high.”  I was like awwwww! and word.  People kinda suck.  So I’m letting fewer and fewer in and unabashedly making cuts.  I’m spending more time on me and on reading and movies.  And the people who prove that they don’t suck when it matters.

Anna and I have an appointment to get our makeup done at Clinique today at 4.  They’re doing some kind of promotion, and the only catch is that we are “expected to buy one thing.”  I love getting my makeup done, so…should be fun.  I took off work tomorrow, and Anna and I are going to get manicures and pedicures and our hair did.  I’m siked.  I love pedicures.  I feel guilty cause I think feet are gross, and I don’t particularly enjoy the  sight of someone kneeling at my feet, but…foot massages are one of my favorite indulgences.  So I’m looking forward to it. 

Tonight M and I are probably going out for dinner and then to a bar with Anna, Kate, and some other people.  I’m siked to try new drinks I found online.  Yea, I’m a nerd…

Gotta get some work done. 

Food Diary:
Breakfast:  my macchiato
Lunch: strawberries dipped in sugar (so f-ing worth it), a banana & 12 oz bottler of water
Snack: bits of a fruit salad and a vitamin water
Dinner: chicken and french fries
Gym time: 1 hour