My morning so far: July 21, 2009Posted by Sparkel in Uncategorized.
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Bad: I did something seriously painful to my leg this morning and am now limping.
Good: FREE PASTRY DAY AT STARBUCKS, WOO HOO!!
Bad: I’m not supposed to be having pastries of any kind.
Good: But now I don’t have to buy lunch 😀
Good: I was early enough for work to have time to stop by Safeway and get yogurt.
Bad: I got lost on the way out and ended up late for work. (Damn you DC and your one way streets!) Good: I don’t think anyone noticed.
Bad: I dropped a permanent marker on my favorite scarf and it now has an ugly mark that I seriously doubt will come out.
All by 8:30 AM. I need a nap.
Maybe I should take a break from my Watchmen obsession… March 29, 2009Posted by Sparkel in Uncategorized.
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Sometimes M and I have random, comically menacing conversations with each other. Like tonight, at around 8:30:
M: Oh crap, I forgot to take money out of the bank so you can do my emissions tomorrow.
Me: You know, it wouldn’t kill you to say ‘please’ every once in a while.
M: Psh. You better. Or when I come home I’ll spank you.
Me: Psh. Try it when I make you walk home.
M: I’ll get here eventually.
Me: Yeah, good luck getting in after I change the locks. You’ll find everyone else standing outside with you. You’ll all be knocking and begging me to let you in. And I’ll look down and whisper “No.”
Photos January 10, 2008Posted by Sparkel in Uncategorized.
A Sign of Peace January 9, 2008Posted by Sparkel in family, M, realizations, Uncategorized.
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I don’t consider myself to be a religious person by any means. I don’t pray very often, and when I do it’s usually not for me, but for friends or family or those in need.
While we were in El Salvador we went to church on New Years Eve. I didn’t understand the priest, so I tuned out and got lost in my head. I thought about the past year…the issues I’ve had, the fights with M about his family, the anger, the depression, the overwhelming sadness that would hit from time to time. I became angry for the billionth time, and then had an idea.
I began to pray for myself. I explained to god in list form, much like I do to my friends, everything that bothered me, why I felt that it was unfair, and that I had a right to feel angry. I could feel the same old bitterness begin to bubble.
So I took a deep breath.
And I asked “please, if only for a moment, take away my pride, and give me the clarity to see where I am to blame in all of this.”
My thoughts were interrupted by M reaching over for a hug. It was time to “give each other a sign of peace.” His entire family hugged me one by one, smiling and kissing me on the cheek and saying how happy they were I was there. When we were back in our places M beamed at me and mouthed “thanks. Love you.” I looked at him and saw how happy he was. I looked at his family and saw how happy they were. Little one year old Sofia toddled over to M, who picked her up, and she looked at me and said “Tia.”
They accept me. They like me. Some even love me. And suddenly it hit me. That’s what I’ve been upset about, the core of the issue.
I thought back to 2004, when M and I were brand spankin’ new, and a former close friend who is half Colombian, half Caucasian whose parents were going through a heartbreaking divorce. I told her I was nervous about speaking Spanish and everyone laughing and she said, in all seriousness “you know you’ll never fit in or be accepted right?” She claimed it was her way of helping me to see the inevitable: “look at my parents.”
The seed was planted. The paranoia, the insecurities, the jealousy all grew until they threatened to suffocate M and I for good. The problems with his sister didn’t help. I became convinced that he would not only leave me, but leave me for someone hispanic, someone who can give him what I never can.
And then my seldom heard confidence cleared its throat and quietly said “you know, you already give him things no one has. And he brought you here. And he loves you. No offense toots, but maybe the problem isn’t him. It’s your nagging, plaguing doubts.”
So I took a different route. I said “give me the strength to let go of the past. Give me the compassion to forgive his sister for good. Give me understanding because not everything is about me. Give me whatever it takes to be a better person and take the high road. And if not for me, for M, who you know deserves it.”
It’s not gone for good. It creeps in little by little. But I understand him better because of the trip. I talked to his sister the whole ride home from the airport, and didn’t feel angry once. I went downstairs last night and saw her living room, which she somewhat decorated while we were gone. I felt happy for her. For the first time in a year and a half.
I confessed my fear to M last night, in its entirety. He said “being apart of my family is your choice because they already consider you family. You’re my family. I’m not going anywhere.”
I believe him. And that’s all the peace I need.
2007 January 9, 2008Posted by Sparkel in Uncategorized.
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(Stolen from other bloggers)
1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
Bought a house and joined a gym.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No…I never do. So I usually make the same ones all over again. Hope springs eternal.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, my most beloved grandmother.
5. What countries did you visit?
El Salvador and Honduras (woo woo!)
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Body confidence, financial security, more pictures, and the patience and strength to let things (or people) be that I can’t change.
7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
July 19, the day my grandmother died.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Buying a house and getting into a different school are tied.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I didn’t see my loves as much as I wanted to.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Strep throat and two horrible ear infections.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
The house I suppose.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My dad, for picking himself back up and continuing to be my hero.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
14. Where did most of your money go?
In every direction as fast as it could.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Getting a passport and getting my first stamp in it.
16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
“To Build a Home” by The Cinematic Orchestra
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
sadder overall I suppose, fatter, and richer…still with not very much. Hence the sad.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Saved money and spent more time with my friends.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
20. How did you spend Christmas?
In the airport and enroute mostly.
21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
I fell more in love.
22. What was your favorite TV program?
The Office and Friday Night Lights
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No…but I don’t hate someone who I did hate at this time last year.
24. What was the best book you read?
The Time Traveler’s Wife
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Explosions in the Sky
26. What did you want and get?
I wanted lots of things and I got pretty much all of them. I’m spoiled.
27. What did you want and not get?
I wanted to get proposed to off and on.
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 22, and I think I had dinner with some friends.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If M and I got a place of our own.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Cheap, girly and pink or black.
32. What kept you sane?
Friends, music, movies and TV.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
The continual willful, blissful ignorance of the Darfur genocide by the UN.
35. Who did you miss?
36. Who was the best new person you met?
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
Nothing is permanent, everything works itself out, and you cannot change people no matter how hard you try so just worry about keeping yourself openminded and patient and forgiving when it’s worth it, but also strong enough to let go of toxic relationships.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new
Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here.
(I think that also nicely sums up why I started this blog and am so happy to have found so many relatable, intelligent people.)
Countdown December 7, 2007Posted by Sparkel in Uncategorized.
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7 states you’ve been to.
6 things you’ve done today: (in no particular order…)
begged for five more minutes of sleep to no avail
straightened my hair
sang and danced to The Beatles One to wake myself up in the car
went to Starbucks when that didn’t really work
addressed more party invites
5 of your favorite things in no order.
books that you wish would never end
4 people you can tell [almost] anything to in no order..
3 things that make you smile.
Someone who’s cutting people off and speeding like a maniac getting pulled over
waking up in the wee hours of the morning and realizing you have hours left to sleep.
2 things you want to do before you die.
go to Europe
1 one thing you can’t live with out
Floating around in my head November 27, 2007Posted by Sparkel in Uncategorized.
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I’m so not giving up Starbucks. My body won’t let me. My brain was all “nooo, think of the New! You!” and my body was all “fuck you, I need caffeine and caramely-goodness” and I found myself standing in line for my fix this morning. I’m afraid my addiction is beyond help.
I’m dreading the end of this season of the Hills. Mostly because all of my beloved shows are MIA until the strike is over, so stupid reality shows are my only source of entertainment right now. Do I realize how much of my life and happiness revolve around TV? Well…yeah. What are you, new?
Things with M are seriously wonderful right now. We haven’t so much as bickered in FIVE DAYS (you know you’re impressed 😀 ) I think it’s mainly because a) I hate fighting during holidays and b) the Friends Thanksgiving dinner, where my friends boyfriends were late and high and unapologetic and somewhat rude and selfish made my boy look oh so good by comparison. He was as repulsed as I was, helped me clean up, and made nice with everyone despite the desire to be as rude. Seriously, by the time they left, I was all coo-ing and giving M the googly eyes because I was so happy that he’s just… how he is. I severely lucked out y’all.
I really enjoy being a stereotypical, old-fashioned “housewife” kinda gal. I enjoy cleaning the house, doing our laundry, and making big meals and desserts. I understand the whole “why should women have to do all of the house chores?” mentality, but I secretly love the feeling of “I’m taking care of my fella” that comes with doing it. It helps that M is all about helping and doing dishes, taking out the garbage, giving me amazing foot massages while we’re watching TV at the end of a long day, etc.
I keep having dreams about my year-end bonus. In one dream I got $100. In another I got $300. In the last dream I got $10,000, and was so disappointed when I started to wake up. I’m getting it today, and it’s all I can think about.
So I should probably do what I actually get paid to do. More later.
Yes I’m posting twice in one day. November 7, 2007Posted by Sparkel in Uncategorized.
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I’m bored, sue me.
I was re-reading entries from my bff’s blog and my sisters blog. It’s weird to look back and remember when the past was the present and seemed so important.
The other day Jess and I were talking about relationships, and I admitted to her that, though it may be shallow, it’s important to me that my relationship is seen as special. That people who know M and I don’t think “gawd, why don’t they just break up already,” but are instead go “awww so cute.” We never so much as argue in front of other people, both because who really wants to hear/see it, and because I don’t want anyone to have a negative perception of our relationship. It’s stupid, I know. Every couple fights, goes through rough patches, etc. I saw my parents fake the “good times” for years. It was only back at the house that the true feelings (and claws) came out. That’s how it usually is I suppose. You put on an act, then sleep in separate bedrooms, or mutter obscenities when your “better half” walks by. This is why I’m proud I can truly say that, mostly due to M’s inherent shyness around other people, most of our sweetest moments take place behind closed doors. How we act with each other when it’s just us, the sweet things we say, the affection we share and the things we admit after smiling and shaking our heads, murmuring “I wouldn’t tell this to anyone but you…” is how I know that we. are. good. together. The occasional doubts or sometimes debilitating anger cannot hold a candle to the essence of us.
My sister wrote this on her blog a year and a half ago:
I don’t really think that it would come to much of a surprise when i say that over the past year I’ve been somewhat envious of my sisters relationship with M. I always thought it was crazy how much time they spent together and how when they weren’t together they were on the phone with each other and if they weren’t on the phone with each other they were thinking about the other person. they would give each other random presents that, even if it was the smallest and seemingly meaningless thing in the world and yet it would seem so special to them just because they truly loved one another. after growing up in a household where it’s obvious that my parents aren’t in love, the only love that i saw expressed between two people were in movies or it was the love that i read about in books. i really think that K and M opened up my eyes to what it looks like to see a couple really, truly, and honestly in love. I’ve always wanted to know what that felt like, where you could get… a bag of skittles from the person you’re dating and just the fact that they thought enough to get it for you brings a smile to your face.
Maybe I’m worrying about how we come off for nothing. So damn good to know.
Enough is enough October 12, 2007Posted by Sparkel in Uncategorized.
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I’ve been slacking off a lot lately. I was beginning to think I was entering a chemical depression (dramatic much?) I haven’t been to the gym in a good two weeks, the diet is just not happening, I’m putting off studying (and three papers that whenever I sit down to do them I literally want to be doing ANYTHING else) and I’ve avoided talking to people mainly because I really haven’t had anything to say.
I don’t know what snapped me out of it, or how permanent the snapping is, but this morning I woke up at 5:15 feeling anxious. I felt a strong urge to get things done. I am at work until 1 today, and then I plan to go home and finish two of the three papers. Tonight M and I are going to watch FNL, then go to the movies. Tomorrow I have work until 5, then I want to finish the other paper. Sunday I want to set up the office so it looks as cozy as it does in my head, then catch up on reading. I decided that while my work days are shorter, I’m going to go to the gym every morning before I get in. I hope this lasts because I really, really don’t want to be in a funk anymore.
I got pulled over yesterday on my way home from work. As soon as it happened I thought “great! this is the third bad thing I’ve been waiting for.” Then the cop gave me a warning, so maybe my luck is changing?
Gotta get back to work…