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Thank you March 12, 2008

Posted by Sparkel in friends.
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I want to thank the wonderful commenter’s on the last post.  It wasn’t difficult to get all of that out (it was actually VERY cathartic), but it was really hard to put it out there.  Thank you for relating and letting me know I’m not alone in feeling alone, and thank you for the advice.  It meant more than I can say 😀

More later today…my job has been sucking the life out of me lately.

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Why, yes! I’d love some cheese with this whine. January 31, 2008

Posted by Sparkel in friends, meee.
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Anna is leaving again. She got an amazing job offer from a huge company where she’s going to make more than twice what we’re making here.

Le sigh…

She’s also only planning to stay for a year because she wants to go to grad school. She’s applying to NYU today, and when I asked her if the amount of money NYU costs is a problem for her parents she shrugged and said “no, I don’t think so.”

I am happy for her. Unbelievably proud and happy and ready to do cartwheels. And yet, part of me is incredibly sad to see her go and… I’ll admit it… a little jealous. Well, envious rather. I’ve been told that the difference between jealousy and envy is that if you’re jealous you don’t want the other person to have whatever it is you’re jealous of. If you’re envious, you are happy that they have it, you just wish you had it too. I am happy for her. She finished school, she’s worked hard; she deserves it.

I still have a ways to go before I’m finished with school. I’m dreading finding a “real job” because I frankly don’t really 100% know what I’d like to do that doesn’t involve moving to New York or LA. And even when I do get a job, we English majors aren’t known for our salaries. Actually, nevermind, we kind of are. And MADE FUN OF FOR THEM.

So, I’m stuck answering phones and doing data entry for another year and a half (at least.) It’s depressing. And I kind of hate it. So when she told me (and I was the first one she told) I was less than happy. I smiled and congratulated her, and gave her a big hug. But I could tell that she could tell I wasn’t thrilled.

Feeling petty and girly and ashamed on the drive home from work last night, I decided to make it up to her. I got her a card that sings “Celebration” (and was sooooo tempted to get the card that sang “Whoop There It Is.” I think I drove all of Hallmark insane because I kept opening it and cracking up), a humongous balloon that says “Congratulations” with some plain balloons, champagne, reeses pbc’s and made her cupcakes and a small heart cake when I got home. I also wrote a letter explaining my reaction, and told her that I wish her the best, hope we still see each other tons, and am super happy for her and proud of her. I called to ask if I could bring it all to her, and she decided to stop by my house instead, where she laughed and smiled and cried a little and said that she understood my reaction.

And then she said “I can’t wait until you graduate and you’re writing and editing and making ooogobs of money. We’ll travel and shop and have the BEST lives.”

I don’t deserve a friend like her. But I will take her anyway. And miss her and still meet up for drinks and lunch.

And maybe not decline when she offers to pay.

After all, she is a great(er) success now.

And for now I have memories…
annak.jpg

Cliques January 30, 2008

Posted by Sparkel in friends.
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I was gushing about my besties the other day with M, and said that one randomly great thing about many of my friends is that we can swap clothes because most of my friends wear the same size I do. I said “you know what’s weird? Of the “group” of girls (there are five of us) we all wear the same size jeans, shirts, dresses and shoes. Huh…”

M’s reply? “That’s because you’re all basically the same.”

I immediately got defensive (“um, I have my own opinions and personality, thank you very much”) and he said “you all not only wear the same size, but the same type of clothes. You all read the same books, watch the same movies, like the same things, and spend a large amount of time praising the crap out of each other. Three of you are English majors. You’re even the same race. I’m not saying you’re interchangeable. You are special, just like I’m sure each of them are special. You’re just a clique.”

I shuddered at that word. Aren’t cliques stereotypically bad? Don’t cliques mainly exist in high school? And really, is it bad, or even surprising, to have a group of friends with whom you share common interests and opinions and clothes every now and then? Isn’t it sort of expected that you will have a lot in common with your friends? They are, after all, you’re friends- the people you choose to spend time with.

After thinking about it, I realized he’s right. Cliques exist everywhere, from elementary school to the little old ladies who play cards together. We seem to naturally search for people who remind us of ourselves to some extent. How many bonds are forged over “OMGGG I know EXACTLY what you mean!!”? Even in blog-land there are BFF’s and groups who comment on each other every day and proclaim love and understanding.

At the end of the day, knowing you have someone to lean on, someone who understands and has maybe even been there can be the most comforting thing in the world. And when you can’t afford to shop, what girl doesn’t enjoy raiding her friends closet? Or hearing “oooh, I have a shirt that would look so good on you, here try it on!”

So maybe cliques aren’t such a bad thing. I happen to think that all of my friends have unique experiences and problems and opinions. I find solace in our similarities, and learn from our differences.

Clique or no-clique, I really wouldn’t have my friends any other way.

Thank you… January 22, 2008

Posted by Sparkel in family, friends.
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for listening.  I know my life is not the most exciting thing to hear about, but you never fail to lend an ear or a shoulder, and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it, even if I don’t tell you that often enough.

for being my new roommate!  I know you’re going through a rough time right now, but I just want to let you know how happy I am to have you as part of my home again.

for understanding.  I know we don’t get to see each other as much as we’d probably like, and that at times it can seem like we’re drifting apart.  But you have to know that you’re my best friend in the world, now and always.  I love you.

for attempting to change.  I’m not 100% willing to let go and trust you again, but I do notice the effort you’re making, and I appreciate it.

for proving my theory that some people never change.  It kinda sucks that I got hurt again, but I’m thanking you because you’re making me stronger than you’ll ever know.

for trying to give me a romantic night, the random slow dance break from cleaning, sitting at Starbucks with me even though you loathe Starbucks, for covering me for the rent when I had issues, and for the million other sweet things you do for me every single day that I never thank you for.  You are my heart, my conscience and my biggest smile, and I honestly don’t know what I would do without you.  Thank you for loving me at my most unlovable.  I promise to try harder to do the same.

…you know who you are.

Two weeks?! December 12, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in friends, M, The Diet.
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I finished my loathed journalism class on Monday, so I decided to reward myself with a night of nothing.  So, last night after getting off work I laid around, watched TV, read blogs and my favorite sites, and made M (a delicious, if I do say so myself) dinner.  It was nice.

But tonight it’s right back to reading and studying and writing a huge paper.  Le sigh.

On the way to work this morning I was thinking about things I need to get done, what presents to buy for whom, budgets, etc. when it hit me.  I am going to El Salvador in less than two weeks.  Less than two weeks?!  I was planning to hit the gym twice a day every day and eat nothing but fruits, veggies and lowfat dairy products until then, and I have not done a damn thing.  I also need to listen to these CD’s I bought a couple years ago to learn how to speak “conversational” spanish.  So, when I went to Target for my morning fix and bought water, yogurt, a delicious looking smoothie drink, and for lunch I’m going to buy fruit and make a fruit salad to keep in the fridge here.  I am definitely going to the gym tonight, and I’m going to play the CD’s every morning and evening on the drive home.  It’s time to get serious!

I also really need to start thinking of gifts.  I’ve been so preoccupied with school and work that I haven’t given much thought to anyone’s gift.  All I really know is that I can’t afford to give much.  I’m thinking of just making baskets for everyone.  It’s so much easier to think of little things that people might love instead of large, expensive things.  So we shall see.  I definitely want to do something special for M because he bought me the plane ticket for my gift.  He and I both know there is no way I can afford to get him something that expensive, but I want it to be special and something he’ll love.

Gotta get back to work!

The New! Me! November 26, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in friends, I kinda love my life, meee.
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Horrible dreams and a newfound paralyzing fear of being abandoned aside, the weekend was pretty good.

M and I spent Thanksgiving at my parents.  My dad decided to talk politics at the table, which led to an argument and my sister stomping off in a huff.  Fortunately things were resolved.  My family always provides entertainment, I will give them that.

Saturday night some friends came over for “Friends Thanksgiving.”  It was pretty fun.  Anna and Kate’s boyfriends and a couple other guys were really late, which turned out to be because they were smoking weed (*sigh*…seriously guys?  We’re not in high school…and they aren’t even in college anymore.)  We waited for them, so Jess, Derek and Angela couldn’t even eat because they had to leave, which made me REALLY mad.  All in all, I decided to appreciate the night for the fun it did offer and to never have them over again.  And if any of them ever host a dinner, I will be sure to be four hours late.  That way, revenge will be the dish served as cold as their dinner.

I spent most of yesterday lounging, then shopping, then with my M.  I got some new placemats and a few new small plates for the kitchen, and some clothes for M and I.  We ordered pizza and watched Hostel 2.  It was a very nice weekend.

Today is Day 1 of the New! Me!  I’m going to the gym after work today for about an hour.  I looked at the schedule for the free fitness classes they offer,  and decided to start going to yoga, pilates and kickboxing when I can.  I took yoga last semester, and really liked it.  It’s supposed to help with depression, so…I’ll take all the help I can get.

My mood has improved some though.  I’m trying so hard to focus on the good and make plans and lists and fill my days up with a balance of some things I have to do and some things I want to do.  I want to be happy.  I want to be healthy.  I want to have a body that allows me to wear anything and feel comfortable.  I want to feel like I’m making progress.

Gotta get to work…

Gushing about my BFF November 9, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in friends.
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I was reading through some of the questions and ideas on this site and found one that I liked, so…here goes.

Tell us about somebody who has changed your life, even if just a little bit.

“There are so many different ways to be connected to people. There are the people you feel this unspoken connection to, even though there’s not even a word for it. There’s the people who you’ve known forever who know you in this way that other people can’t because they’ve seen you change.  They’ve let you change.”  –My So-Called Life

I moved to Maryland when I was 12. I started 7th grade at a middle school that went 6th-8th, so most of the kids already knew each other. In fact, many of them knew each other since kindergarten, which was intimidating. I met Jessie my first week there. I can’t remember exactly how our first conversation started. We had math together, she sat one row over, one seat back. There was a hilariously obnoxious guy who sat behind me (and next to her.) He would make comments and we would both laugh, which led to exchanging smiles, and after a while we started talking and became friends. We bonded over a shared sense of humor (entirely based on “what-if” scenarios and random things that always seemed to happen when we got together) and our unrequited feelings for stupid oblivious boys. We talked in class, then had lunch together sometimes, then hung out after school and would spend hours on the phone. By high school I considered her to be one of my closest friends, and the only friend I felt truly accepted and understood by.

I have so many wonderful and hilarious memories of her and our friendship. So many sleepovers and weekends spent hanging out. Lunch together in high school. Making fun of so many people. After graduating from high school we hung out every night. I would pick her up at 9, then we’d go to Starbucks and walk around for a little bit in Barnes and Noble. We have spent so much time at Barnes and Noble it’s kind of ridiculous. I had a crush on two guys who worked there, so we would spy on them, or read horoscope or relationship books, or play random songs for each other in the music section. After B&N we would usually go to play pool at this kinda dingy little hole in the wall place. We would make fun of the guys there (who unapologetically STARED) and laugh at how horribly we played (every time we went someone would inevitably ask if it was our first time playing…never failed.) Then we would go somewhere to walk around, or swing on the swings at a park near her house. We talked about anything and everything and nothing. She made an effort to meet every guy I liked, and was always happy for me or sad with me when appropriate. She was the first person I called, sobbing, when my first boyfriend broke up with me. She was also my partner in crime when we egged his house (two nights in a row!) She was the first person who knew I had feelings for M, and came over to help me get ready for our big Valentine’s date right after we met. She was the first person I got drunk with, the first person I snuck out with, and the keeper of most of my secrets. She talked me through friendships ending, crushes that would never become more, family difficulties and insecurities. She never once judged me for any of it. We talked about getting married and having kids and being neighbors, and I never doubted for a second that she would be there for all of it. She let me be there when she found out she was pregnant. And when I was a not-so-wonderful friend and really into my new relationship with M, she forgave me for it. She asked me to be a godmother to Angela, something (and someone) I’ll cherish forever. She’s the one person who I feel completely comfortable saying ANYTHING to. She knows more about me than anyone else, but what I don’t think she knows (probably because I don’t say this half as much as I should) is that she is my very best friend, and my favorite friend, and I don’t know what I would do without her. She gives the most amazing advice, and is able to listen for endless bouts of time. She makes an effort to be a good friend too. She’s given me countless cards and notes and little gifts to let me know she cares. She gets angry and defensive when someone doesn’t treat me right. She’s the only one who won’t give M credit for me getting my stuff together and going to college, but instead credits me. She makes an effort to get along with my family (who adores her) and with M (who talks to her, a big thing for quiet him!)  She’s gone on family trips with us.  She’s seen me at my best and at my worst; laughing and crying.  She points out the good things about me, and is never petty or jealous or mean. Look up “friend” in the dictionary, and you can read even more about her.

I don’t think she’s told this anywhere near enough, but she is seriously awesome and wonderful. She’s beautiful, inside and out. She’s hilarious and warm and caring. She’s a seriously amazing mom. She has so much love to give, and she’s willing to just spread it around to anyone who needs it. She puts up with so much, and yet stays strong (and gets stronger.) Her family is unnecessarily hard on her, which is ridiculous because of how hard she works and tries. She does not have it easy, but still manages to have fun, maintain friendships, and be a great friend. Anyone who knows her is lucky, and anyone who lets her go is a fool.

When I think about our friendship, I’m struck by how different and similar we are at the same time. We are interested in different things, and have different experiences, but our opinions on things like friendship, love, and the way people should be treated is the same. I cannot put into words how much she means to me, and how lost and lonely I would feel without her. I feel so lucky to have her, not only in my life, but as my best friend for life.

I love me girlies & survey November 8, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in friends, girly stuff, meee, survey.
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Last night I met Kate at Cosi’s for yummy latte drinks, then we went to Anna’s to watch Pride and Prejudice.  We stayed up until 3 am talking.  It was really nice.  We took turns talking about our relationships and our families, and the two who were listening would chime in with advice.  It was like a three-way mini therapy session.  We’re planning on doing the same thing at least once a month.  We’re also planning a sleepover where we’ll do all the cliched middle school things (making cookies, doing hair and makeup, gossiping, “sneaking out” to go for a walk at midnight, etc.)  Should be fun.

My boss just told me that we’re going to have a Christmas party!  Yay free food/drinks/candy!

And to appease the boredom:

If you could take credit for writing one song, which would it be?  The Best Deceptions by Dashboard Confessional
If you could play one instrument perfectly?  Drums
If you could play one sport perfectly?  Gymnastics
If you could speak a second language perfectly?     Italian
If you could own a house in another country, which would you choose?  Italy
If you could have all the knowledge of one profession, which?  Secret agent
If you had to choose one candy you could have from now on, which?  That’s a toughie…Nerds.
If you could meet one living celeb, who would it be?  Natalie Portman
If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?  Kayla or Skylar
If you had to change lives with a friend for a week, who would you choose?  Anna
If you could read one person’s thoughts for a day, who would you choose?  M
If you could have one car, what would you choose?  Jeep Wrangler
If you could have one X men power, which?  Read minds
What’s your favorite word?  Ubiquitous
What’s your favorite smell(s)?  Baby powder, vanilla, and B&BW Moonlight Path lotion
What noise do you love?  Rain, music
What noise do you hate?  The ones that come out when dumb people open their mouths
What turns you on?  Kindness, intelligence, brooding
What turns you off?  Arrogance, smoking, stupidity
One profession you’d hate to do?  Anything to do with agriculture
What’s one song that you hate?    Hmm…
What’s one song you secretly love?  Stars are Blind by Paris Hilton…I seriously hate myself for how much I like that song
What city feels most like home to you?    Tucson
Would you rather cook or bake?    Bake
Do you prefer sweet or savory foods?  Sweet
What is you job title?  Legal Assistant/Receptionist
Do you like your boss?  He’s somewhat off, but overall a very nice guy and a good boss.
What’s your favorite dog?  Cocker Spaniel
What’s your best friend’s name?    M
Describe him/her in 5 words.  Kind, quiet, sexy, intelligent, wonderful.
What’s your favorite day of the week?    Thursday
What’s your favoirte holiday? Why?  Halloween and Valentine’s Day because I love dressing up, free candy, love, being spoiled for a day, pink and red.
If you had to marry, what time of year would you choose?  Spring
If you have sex with a friend, who would you choose?  M
What’s your favorite fruit?  Strawberry
Are you a morning person?  No
What do you order at Starbucks?  Iced Venti Caramel Macchiato with whipped cream and extra caramel
Do you like Sushi?  Never tried it.
What’s your favoirte body part on the sex you prefer?  Back
What’s your favorite reality TV show?  The Hills or I Love New York
How often do you hang out with friends?  As often as I can
Do you do relationships?  I suppose you could say that.
Do you want to get married someday?  Yes.
What’s your favorite name?  Kayla for a girl, Kayden for a boy.
If you had to live with one person as your roommate, who would you choose?  M
What’s your favorite nickname?    Busta Sparkels
What’s your favorite beer?    Don’t have one
Do you like wine?    Not as much as I wish I did
Would you rather go dancing with friends, or have coffee with friends? Depends on my mood.
How many hours a week do you work/go to school?  work appx 50.  I go to one class for 3 hours every week, and the other 3 classes are online.
Name one song you could sing all the way through even without it playing?  I could sing hundreds without them playing.
Name on band that sings lyrics that relate most to your life?  Death Cab for Cutie
Do you like your city?    Not really.
What are the words/phrases you say the most? I’m the queen of saying things that stopped being trendy last year.
Would you rather call or text?  text
What movie makes you cry the most?  I cry at every movie, but the one that makes me just weep is My Girl…talking about that movie makes me cry
What’s your favorite Christmas movie?  Disney Christmas Carol
Did you ever babysit as a teenager? Who?  Yes, a few random kids here and there and my friends three kids who I fell completely in love with.
Would you rather go to the beach or the mountains?  Beach
Can you snowboard or ski?   I’ve been skiing, but I wouldn’t say I really can ski.
What’s your favorite book? Why?    The Time Traveler’s Wife because of the thoughts and emotions and imagery that come while reading it.
Favorite Disney character?  Donald Duck
How many people have you had sex with?  MYOB will ya?
What annoys you the most?  bad drivers and selfish people

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas… November 7, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in family, friends, work.
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My joy at working full time again lasted all of one day.  Now I’m back to “ugghhhh 8 to 5??  Killlllll meeeeee!!”  Friday’s paycheck will probably bring a smile though.  But that’s two. whole. days. away.  The Fed Ex guy who comes here almost daily always pops his head in to say “we can make it!  Only [however many days until the week is over] left!”  Nice to know I’m not the only one here who starts eyeballing (or sometimes whimpering at) the door at 2 pm.

I’m starting to think about Christmas gifts for my loves.  M is officially the most difficult person in the world to shop for.  I think I’ve done pretty well so far (Tivo first Christmas,  leather recliner second Christmas, PSP third Christmas)  but I seriously cannot think of one thing he might like and/or use.  I’m really hoping I get a nice Christmas bonus kind of early because if I do I think I’ll probably surprise him with tickets to El Salvador, because I know he’s really bummed that we aren’t going.

As for my other nearest and dearest, I’m probably going to do boxes or baskets full of small things (cookies, candles, lotions, mixed CD’s, jewelry, etc.)  My family was thinking about all of us chipping in to get my mom tickets for the World Series a couple weeks ago because she is obsessed with the Red Sox, but those tickets?  Impossible to get and so freaking expensive.  So now I need to come up with something for the second hardest person to shop for.  Seriously,  my mom has never received a gift she’s loved.  And she’s an unapologetic exchanger, which has caused some tears over the years.  Ah, holidays…

I’m planning a “Friends Thanksgiving” with some of my friends (duh), and I’m getting excited about it.  It’s gonna be at my house, and we’re going to have tons of food (somewhat potluck), drinks (cider and eggnog), music and I’m making tons of little desserts.  It’s going to be awesome, especially because hello?  two Thanksgivings? Yummy.  I was going to boycott Thanksgiving this year (after reading A People’s History of the United States), but the thought of decorations and being surrounded by friends is too much to pass up.  I’m such a sucker for holidays.  I’m trying to convince M to set up the tree next weekend just so we can look at it for longer this year.

Gotta get to work.

So far, so good November 2, 2007

Posted by Sparkel in diet, friends, meee.
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I just got back from going to the gym with Anna.  Two freaking hours.  I told her about my goals to do the splits and run a mile and she was all “I can run a mile without stopping!” and then proceeded to.  She was trying to cheer me on to get me motivated, but my body was just not having it.  Plus cheering and motivating words have no effect.  Nothing makes me want to lose weight more than seeing a picture of myself looking fat or being called fat.  I told Anna to yell at me and call me “fat-ass,” but she, ever the sweetheart that she is, refused, so we went to stretch. We did the thing where you spread your legs and put your feet together and hold hands so you can pull eachother back and forth.  I may not be able to run worth a damn, but I do feel significantly more flexible.  It was a lot of fun, which I almost never think about going to the gym.

The diet is back on track.  I had a macchiato for breakfast, then a cup of chex mix and water for lunch.  M and I are going to a Mexican restaurant with Anna, Kate and their boys for dinner tonight.  Anna says they have amazing margaritas an sangria, so…should be fun. 

I’m watching Big Fish right now.  I love the scene where he brings a field full of daffodils to the woman he loves and when she asks why he did it, he says “it’s the only way I can get my wife to marry me.”  So sweet.

I got nothin else…have a great weekend!