This little light of mine…

Thank you March 12, 2008

I want to thank the wonderful commenter’s on the last post.  It wasn’t difficult to get all of that out (it was actually VERY cathartic), but it was really hard to put it out there.  Thank you for relating and letting me know I’m not alone in feeling alone, and thank you for the advice.  It meant more than I can say 😀

More later today…my job has been sucking the life out of me lately.

Cliques January 30, 2008

I was gushing about my besties the other day with M, and said that one randomly great thing about many of my friends is that we can swap clothes because most of my friends wear the same size I do. I said “you know what’s weird? Of the “group” of girls (there are five of us) we all wear the same size jeans, shirts, dresses and shoes. Huh…”

M’s reply? “That’s because you’re all basically the same.”

I immediately got defensive (“um, I have my own opinions and personality, thank you very much”) and he said “you all not only wear the same size, but the same type of clothes. You all read the same books, watch the same movies, like the same things, and spend a large amount of time praising the crap out of each other. Three of you are English majors. You’re even the same race. I’m not saying you’re interchangeable. You are special, just like I’m sure each of them are special. You’re just a clique.”

I shuddered at that word. Aren’t cliques stereotypically bad? Don’t cliques mainly exist in high school? And really, is it bad, or even surprising, to have a group of friends with whom you share common interests and opinions and clothes every now and then? Isn’t it sort of expected that you will have a lot in common with your friends? They are, after all, you’re friends- the people you choose to spend time with.

After thinking about it, I realized he’s right. Cliques exist everywhere, from elementary school to the little old ladies who play cards together. We seem to naturally search for people who remind us of ourselves to some extent. How many bonds are forged over “OMGGG I know EXACTLY what you mean!!”? Even in blog-land there are BFF’s and groups who comment on each other every day and proclaim love and understanding.

At the end of the day, knowing you have someone to lean on, someone who understands and has maybe even been there can be the most comforting thing in the world. And when you can’t afford to shop, what girl doesn’t enjoy raiding her friends closet? Or hearing “oooh, I have a shirt that would look so good on you, here try it on!”

So maybe cliques aren’t such a bad thing. I happen to think that all of my friends have unique experiences and problems and opinions. I find solace in our similarities, and learn from our differences.

Clique or no-clique, I really wouldn’t have my friends any other way.

Gushing about my BFF November 9, 2007

I was reading through some of the questions and ideas on this site and found one that I liked, so…here goes.

Tell us about somebody who has changed your life, even if just a little bit.

“There are so many different ways to be connected to people. There are the people you feel this unspoken connection to, even though there’s not even a word for it. There’s the people who you’ve known forever who know you in this way that other people can’t because they’ve seen you change.  They’ve let you change.”  –My So-Called Life

I moved to Maryland when I was 12. I started 7th grade at a middle school that went 6th-8th, so most of the kids already knew each other. In fact, many of them knew each other since kindergarten, which was intimidating. I met Jessie my first week there. I can’t remember exactly how our first conversation started. We had math together, she sat one row over, one seat back. There was a hilariously obnoxious guy who sat behind me (and next to her.) He would make comments and we would both laugh, which led to exchanging smiles, and after a while we started talking and became friends. We bonded over a shared sense of humor (entirely based on “what-if” scenarios and random things that always seemed to happen when we got together) and our unrequited feelings for stupid oblivious boys. We talked in class, then had lunch together sometimes, then hung out after school and would spend hours on the phone. By high school I considered her to be one of my closest friends, and the only friend I felt truly accepted and understood by.

I have so many wonderful and hilarious memories of her and our friendship. So many sleepovers and weekends spent hanging out. Lunch together in high school. Making fun of so many people. After graduating from high school we hung out every night. I would pick her up at 9, then we’d go to Starbucks and walk around for a little bit in Barnes and Noble. We have spent so much time at Barnes and Noble it’s kind of ridiculous. I had a crush on two guys who worked there, so we would spy on them, or read horoscope or relationship books, or play random songs for each other in the music section. After B&N we would usually go to play pool at this kinda dingy little hole in the wall place. We would make fun of the guys there (who unapologetically STARED) and laugh at how horribly we played (every time we went someone would inevitably ask if it was our first time playing…never failed.) Then we would go somewhere to walk around, or swing on the swings at a park near her house. We talked about anything and everything and nothing. She made an effort to meet every guy I liked, and was always happy for me or sad with me when appropriate. She was the first person I called, sobbing, when my first boyfriend broke up with me. She was also my partner in crime when we egged his house (two nights in a row!) She was the first person who knew I had feelings for M, and came over to help me get ready for our big Valentine’s date right after we met. She was the first person I got drunk with, the first person I snuck out with, and the keeper of most of my secrets. She talked me through friendships ending, crushes that would never become more, family difficulties and insecurities. She never once judged me for any of it. We talked about getting married and having kids and being neighbors, and I never doubted for a second that she would be there for all of it. She let me be there when she found out she was pregnant. And when I was a not-so-wonderful friend and really into my new relationship with M, she forgave me for it. She asked me to be a godmother to Angela, something (and someone) I’ll cherish forever. She’s the one person who I feel completely comfortable saying ANYTHING to. She knows more about me than anyone else, but what I don’t think she knows (probably because I don’t say this half as much as I should) is that she is my very best friend, and my favorite friend, and I don’t know what I would do without her. She gives the most amazing advice, and is able to listen for endless bouts of time. She makes an effort to be a good friend too. She’s given me countless cards and notes and little gifts to let me know she cares. She gets angry and defensive when someone doesn’t treat me right. She’s the only one who won’t give M credit for me getting my stuff together and going to college, but instead credits me. She makes an effort to get along with my family (who adores her) and with M (who talks to her, a big thing for quiet him!)  She’s gone on family trips with us.  She’s seen me at my best and at my worst; laughing and crying.  She points out the good things about me, and is never petty or jealous or mean. Look up “friend” in the dictionary, and you can read even more about her.

I don’t think she’s told this anywhere near enough, but she is seriously awesome and wonderful. She’s beautiful, inside and out. She’s hilarious and warm and caring. She’s a seriously amazing mom. She has so much love to give, and she’s willing to just spread it around to anyone who needs it. She puts up with so much, and yet stays strong (and gets stronger.) Her family is unnecessarily hard on her, which is ridiculous because of how hard she works and tries. She does not have it easy, but still manages to have fun, maintain friendships, and be a great friend. Anyone who knows her is lucky, and anyone who lets her go is a fool.

When I think about our friendship, I’m struck by how different and similar we are at the same time. We are interested in different things, and have different experiences, but our opinions on things like friendship, love, and the way people should be treated is the same. I cannot put into words how much she means to me, and how lost and lonely I would feel without her. I feel so lucky to have her, not only in my life, but as my best friend for life.