K-La and Euey April 21, 2008Posted by Sparkel in it is looove, M.
The fact that I am a wee bit clingy when it comes to M has long been a source of angst, amusement and arguments. There are times when I literally feel like I just cannot get enough of him. I realize it the most when we’ve just had a fight. My mind will inevitably wander, I’ll forget we were fighting, and I’ll go to hug him or cuddle or put my arm around him or hold his hand. He’ll laugh, comment on how irresistible he is, and I’ll jerk back indignantly only to repeat my affectionate gesture a few minutes later. At some point during the first year we were together he stood next to his bed and said he was going upstairs and I responded by throwing my arms and legs around him from where I sat on the edge of the bed. He laughed and stroked my hair and said “my little koala.” It turned into an inside joke over time, where he calls me “K-la” (because my name also begins with a “K”) and I call him “eu” or “euey” (pronounced “you” as in eucalyptus tree) when I’m clingy or overly-affectionate.
I’ve often felt simultaneously lucky and a little strange because I am in a relationship with someone who I always want to be around. I knew from the beginning of our relationship that I had it bad when I always felt like hanging out with him or calling him. I get tired or bored of other people if I spend too much time with them, but it’s like I’m insatiable when it comes to M. I have friends who have good relationships and friends who have not-so-good relationships. I’ve observed the marriages of my parents, relatives, friends parents and perfect strangers. We’ve been deemed everything from “adorable” and “inseparable ” to “unhealthy” and “codependent.” I have not gone one day without speaking to him in more than four years. I haven’t gone a day without seeing him in two years. There was a period in 2006 of about three months where we worked together and practically lived together to the point where we woke up together, drove to work together, worked together, ate lunch together, drove home together, ate dinner together, watched tv or read or studied together, and fell asleep together. I slept at my apartment alone maybe two nights a month. And I missed him. To the point where it would have been more than two nights if I hadn’t given up after tossing and turning and quietly walked the two minutes between our apartments to slip into bed with him at around 2 am. To be greeted with one extended arm and a “you couldn’t sleep either?”
I neglected all of my friendships for a long time. I was convinced that living with M would solve the problem. “I can come home to him, so it’ll be the best of both worlds!” I have gotten better, but I still have moments, mainly when I’m out with large groups and feel somewhat awkward, where I either wish he was there or just wanna go home and curl up next to him.
I’ve been thinking about this since M and I watched that episode of the Real Housewives of New York where Alex brings her husband to Girls Night. (PLEASE tell me you’ve watched it! That episode made my day, snark-wise.) Granted M and I are not that bad. I know enough to keep him out of girls nights, and he knows enough not to come. But as Alex defended her relationship, saying she likes to spend time with him so “of course” she wanted to bring him, M and I looked at each other and said, simultaneously, “oh my god, that’s us.”
After reassuring each other (and ourselves) that we are in fact, into our own things, are capable of spending time apart, and have our own people, we are not as bad as Alex and Simon.
Last night M and I were watching the Office and he said “hey, we’re not the housewife people. We’re totally Jim and Pam.” Does he know what it takes to make me swoon or what?
Still, do I think we’re a little strange in our co-dependency? Absolutely. But would I have it any other way? No.
Just me? September 24, 2007Posted by Sparkel in food for thought, it is looove, M.
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Does anyone else ever feel kinda lost?
You live your life…you have your friends, family, maybe a relationship. You work (mostly because you need money, and really, what else would you do with your time?), maybe go to school. Every day is more or less the same. You know what to expect from weekends. You have neither the funds or time to take a spontaneous trip to Italy, so you don’t see any REAL excitement in the near future. And its okay because it has to be, and you take joy in the little things. Until you don’t, and then you write on your blog (that you wish could be full of exciting stories instead of diatribes about your boredom) about your thoughts and hope to find clarity and perhaps another person or two who feel the same.
Some days I genuinely don’t feel like doing anything. Well, actually that’s not true. If someone were to say “hey, wanna go to Europe (or anywhere really) for a few days??” I’d immediately pack and run out the door. But if it’s a choice of work, study, sleep, watch tv, read a book, go for a walk, eat something, go for a drive I’m all “meh.” I feel like Belle in Beauty in the Beast (I want much more than this provincial life! I want adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell. And for once it might be grand to have someone understand. I want so much more than they’ve got planned.) (though who “they” is in my life I do not know.)
I love my friends and I love M. I just wish there could be a little more oomph in every day. Perhaps that’s where alcohol comes in…
This weekend was good. I worked for part of the day on Saturday, then Jess and I got manicures. I’m sooo happy with mine. It’s truly the only one I’ve ever gotten that I actually really like. Then she came to my house and we got ready to go out for dinner and then bar hopping. I was hoping to show her and Derek an awesome good time, but unfortunately the bars were kinda lame. We still got pretty wasted though, which was fun.
Yesterday I hung around the house with M and studied. This weekend was really good for us. We didn’t argue once about anything. We were super affectionate and lovey (sneaking kisses, cuddling, smiling at each other sweetly when one of us walked into the room.) It was really, really nice.
The only…not bad, but not really good either…thing about when things are amazing and wonderful with M and I is that it makes me want to get engaged. I read blogs about other girls around my age getting engaged and see pictures of their rings, and I feel a tiny pang. I decided that the reasonable thing to do is concentrate on making myself an adult (responsible with money, finish school and get a good job, etc.) and then I’ll have the maturity to realize that marriage is not only about rings and dresses and weddings and introducing M as my fiance and telling people “O.M.GEEE I’m ENGAGED!” It’s a lifelong committment, the hardest job you’ll ever have, not always rainbows and sunshine, etc. But it’s also a partnership and love and growing old together OFFICIALLY and we’re already living together anyway and I’m in this for good, so really, what will change?
This is the convo that takes place when I bring up that line of thinking:
K: So really, what’s the difference?
M: Exactly my point. If there’s no difference, what’s the rush?
K: Because I’d like to have a 60th wedding anniversary. And not have ten years at the beginning of our relationship that “don’t count” because SOMEONE isn’t ready. Even though all logic (which you’re so fond of) points out that we are living like we are married.
M: Well, if we’re already living like we are, then can’t we just keep doing that? If it ain’t broke…you know?
M: And besides, we can count the years before if we want. They might be the best years anyway.
M: I’m just being realistic.
K: Okay Mr. Realistic then think about the tax breaks! The benefits! You’re into stuff like that!
M: That is a good point…
K: *grins like a triumphant fool who has finally won this battle of wits*
M: But you’re into the line of reasoning that “we have the rest of our lives to be serious and pay bills, so what’s the rush?” Tax breaks go against what you’re looking for right now.
K: Ok, fine. Then we might as well never get married. If there’s no point then why waste the money and time?
M: That’s my girl!
K: Look, I’ve seen you with your niece, so I know you want kids. But if we don’t get married I don’t want to have kids.
M: Even cheaper.
K: *throws up hands in frustration and makes undecipherable loud grunting sound before stomping out of the room*
I am then followed and assured that yes it will happen, after school, when we have money, blah blah blah. I’m just impatient. And honestly, part of me really wants him to want it more so that I’m not the one gunning for it. Then I can sit back and smile because someone wants to marry ME, and they’ll have to wait until I’m good and ready.
The truth is, I’m not quite ready. But I’m almost there, which is scary and wonderful and all the better because the man I want to marry is already in my life and mine and loves me back. It doesn’t get much better than that now, does it?
Gotta get back to work…
Blurbing September 20, 2007Posted by Sparkel in books & movies & shows, I kinda love my life, it is looove, M.
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I just finished watching Gossip Girl, The Real World and Newport Harbor. Can I admit, even though it’s completely dorky, that I LOVE Newport Harbor. Maybe even more than Laguna Beach. The kids seem to have more redeeming qualities so far (not to mention that Clay, though not quite legal, is freaking gorgeous, and his adorable relationship with Chrissy makes me smile and squee like it were my own relationship) and aren’t all about the DRA-MAAA that made LB so entertaining. I also enjoyed Gossip Girl more than I thought I would. Oh cheesy TV, you continue to suck me in.
Speaking of TV, I cannot WAIT for The Office to start. Jim and Pam are my absolute favorite TV couple evah (I even have a screencap of them as the background on my computer…yes, I am one of those people), and the fact that they’re finally together makes me squee like I’ve never squeed before. Last season made my heart ache. I actually cried out of pure frustration at the end of a couple episodes because my-GAWD-why can’t they just be together forever??? And then they got together (which also made me burst into tears), and now I just cannot wait to revel in the glorious love that is Jim and Pam.
Speaking of glorious love… M is being a sweetie lately. He acted like somewhat of an ass over the weekend, and since I basically ripped him a new one, which led to a heart to heart, which led to improvements in our already good relationship. Exhibit A:
(please ignore my shrine to us)
Tonight M wanted to go to the gym, but I was tired and it was already almost 8 (and I wanted to watch GG at 9) I decided to get Starbucks and read for a while instead of going with him. I was about half through GG when he came back and gave me those flowers and a big kiss. Sometimes he can be a pain in the ass, but usually he’s such a sweetheart.
Yesterday Anna and I were talking about books, and I looked up the 100 Greatest Books of All Time, and decided that I am going to read them all. So I went to this amazing used book store and got about 20 books for $30. It was awesome. We really need new bookshelves though, so M gently asked that I not buy any more books until we do so. I want to go to Ikea sometime soon because I got this really great bookshelf that I’m using in my closet right now for shoes. It was only $20, so I’d like to get three or four and put them side by side on one wall in the office. I also want to buy more shelves for the closet in there and install them and make that another bookshelf. I remember a literature professor I had a couple semesters ago saying that at our age we should have a library of 1000 books. I think I have maybe 400, so I have a lot of catching up to do.
Speaking of catching up, I haven’t gone to the gym nearly as much as I’d like to lately, which I’m hoping to amend soon. I’m chalking it up to STILL not being completely over this cold because when I do go using any of the elliptical machines or treadmill makes me wheeze like I have asthma. I’ve also been really tired because of the study load I’ve had this past week, so… yea. My dad always says “excuses are like assholes. Everyone has one, and they all stink.” So. Damn. True.
I’m getting excited for the weekend. I’m pretty sure I have to work Saturday because I forgot to tell my boss that I’m not, and he likes advance notice. So, that kinda blows, but it’s money, which is always good. After that I think Jess and I are going to get our nails did, and maybe I’ll get a haircut. Then we might go bar-hopping. Nothing is set in stone right now. I’m going to try to take Saturday off because I need the study time. We shall see…
That’s all for now. I’m sleepy.
Sweet July 2, 2007Posted by Sparkel in it is looove, M.
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You my dear love are the perfect bundel of sweetness, loveliness, cuteness,
and hotness. I love you because you care about other people, are passionate
about the things that you like, and…..I just love you.
You are my love today and always,
wee bit tipsy June 29, 2007Posted by Sparkel in it is looove, M, meee.
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When M and I picked my dad up from work tonight, he offered to take us to Ruby Tuesday to have a drink. We, of course, comply. I had a delicious strawberry lemonade drink with some rum in it, and, out of curiousity, and my first scotch. This got me happily buzzed and barely coherent, so when I got home I decided that vanilla coke with a few splashes of bacardi 151 would be superb…
I’m surprised I can function, let alone type. If you knew how many times I’ve pushed the backspace button so far, you’d probably just send me to bed. Don’t worry hunny bunny, it’s my next stop.
When I get drunk I get giggly then emotional. I realize how much I love everyone and then become weepy. M and I watched The Office in the midst of my bacardi fest, and I cried at how much I love it, and then cried at how much I love him and then cried because I thought of my wonderful friends, and my wonderful life, and how wonderful it all seems with lovely bacardi.
I miss my Anna…she needs to come back yesterday.
I loooooove my bestest Jessie…she needs to come over IMMEDIATELY because only she can appreciate my sense of humor because she has the same one, and only she will get as drunk and laugh as hard as me. Jess…seriously…we need a girly night NOW.
I love M….soooooo much…he’s too yummy for words, and I just cannot get enough.
I want to go swimming…and have a permanent tan…and sunbathe off the coast of Greece and Tuscany…and while I’m dreaming I’d love a pony and no hangover tomorrow.
Ah, tomorrow…it is only Thursday isn’t it? On that note I am off to giggle myself to sleep.
Have I mentioned I ❤ bacardi?