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Random February 26, 2008

Posted by Sparkel in random.

I had a dream the other night that I slept with a guy who works in my office. A very nice, very cool, very married guy. Now I feel weird and guilty whenever I see him which has made for some awkward conversations.

M and I saw Atonement the other night. I read the book a couple years ago, then again last week in preparation for the movie. Both are so good. I was amazed at how carefully the movie follows the book. Both hit you like a punch in the face at the end. I haven’t cried like that in a long time, just openly weeping. So, naturally I’m going to see it again tonight. I saw Titanic for the first time when I was 12. I remember I started to cry about halfway through the movie (because I read in a magazine that Jack died at the end) and literally didn’t stop until THREE HOURS after I got home. I was choking back sobs the entire walk out of the theater and to the car. It was ridiculous. But the most ridiculous part? I SAW IT FOURTEEN MORE TIMES. In the theater. I will give my prepubescent self a little credit and say that by the fifteenth viewing I had my crying limited to the last thirty minutes.

M and I talked about movies that make you cry every time you watch them after Atonement, and I couldn’t shut up for a good 20 minutes. I was all “My Girl!” “Braveheart!” “The Land Before Time!” “ET!” “Ordinary People!” “Little Women!” “Forrest Gump!!””Charlotte’s Web!” This started a conversation about “why the HELL are kids movies so sad??” Seriously, why are they? A parent always dies. Or Old Yeller? THE KID HAD TO SHOOT HIS DOG! What. the. hell??

I cry at everything though. Seriously. I cried at The Exorcist. Didn’t it seem like no one cared that the nice priest died? I wanted to slap the mom.

I’m 99% sure the barista at Starbucks forgot to put espresso shots in my macchiato. Needless to say, it tastes a little strange.

I wanna shop for spring clothes. Badly. I’m already spending my tax return in my head. Supposing I get one, that is.

Oh yeah, I also need to file my taxes this week.

And I should probably get to work. Bleh.

Ok, I was just on gchat with Anna, who is telling me all about her new job.  Her new office, that she’s getting a laptop, and she got a box full of office supplies.

My boss just casually stopped by my desk and then walked down the hall.  Then the smell hit.  Oh yes, he FARTED in front of my desk!

Life is not fair.


Letting go. February 21, 2008

Posted by Sparkel in annoyances, family, I know life isn't supposed to be fair but jeez..., to friend or not to friend.

I don’t write about this in detail for a few reasons. One, fear that the wrong people will see it. Two, once I get going it’s difficult to stop (aka this will be long, you’ve been warned.) Three, I keep hoping that if I pretend it doesn’t exist it will just go away.

But it fills my thoughts, conversations with friends, and sometimes keeps me up at night. It has filled my life, and I’m sick of it.

I hate M’s sister.

I’ve never hated anyone before. I’ve never wished anyone real harm, spent time plotting revenge, or just shuddered when someone’s name was mentioned. This girl…what can I say about her?

She’s a 13 year old trapped in a 30 year old body. She’s selfish, immature, malicious, sneaky, sadistic and pitiful. She pretends to be nice to your face but she will do whatever she can think of to make your life miserable in small ways. She’ll stab you in the back with a smile on her face and then look at you like “who, me??” She is the queen of doing little things that you wouldn’t notice if it didn’t directly effect you. She will poke you and poke you and poke you until you finally lose it and then she smiles, shrugs and is all “wow, she’s crazy huh?” Basically, she’s either insane or evil. Or both.

I have it ingrained in my brain that when someone does something wrong, they need to acknowledge it, to apologize. If someone hurts your feelings they should be sorry. They should admit wrongdoing. They should care. And I cannot be fake. I cannot pretend to be happy if I’m not. I cannot pretend to like you if I don’t. It is written all over my face, my tone, everything. I can be your best friend or your worst enemy, but I leave that choice to you. I believed I was right with every fiber of my being. It wouldn’t have been so bad if they didn’t turn on me so quickly. If it wasn’t so obvious that because I’m not blood I don’t matter the same way. That my feelings and the fact that in most situations I was the victim meant nothing.

I won’t go into detail about what has happened. I won’t list all the ways that she makes my life and M’s life miserable. I have wasted two years of my life on this girl…on wondering how anyone could be so malicious, feeling betrayed, and seething with anger.

I have gone from confusion to wishing she would disappear to relishing in this hate to planning little ways to get back at her to obsessing over the situation with anyone who would listen to crying to complaining to ranting to seriously considering therapy or anger management to reading inspirational quotations about dealing with difficult times to just wanting to put it all behind me. I just finished a book by Pema Chodron that I bought specifically for guidance on how to deal with all this anger in my heart.

I told a friend that I want to become more spiritual because I don’t want to be bitter or angry. That I got the Pema book, want to start meditating and learn how to push anger away and not let people effect me so much.

She said “honestly, I think this shows how much better of a person you already are. I mean, think about it. She’s just selfish and evil and genuinely pretends that she does nothing wrong when she must know that she does. And you feel so mean and guilty for disliking someone who is just not a good person at all. I mean you’ve talked about THERAPY for reacting the way any normal person would react to this girl. You need to just not like her and be fine with it.”

I seem to have this five year old mentality of just complete shock and incredulous awe that someone could purposely hurt someone or not like me when I’ve done nothing to deserve it. I remember visiting my cousin a few years ago and her three boys were playing, and the oldest one (kind of a bully) tripped the youngest one (who was four and adorable and the sweetest kid I’ve ever met to this day) and started laughing with the middle one. The four year old stood up, looked just so hurt and surprised that anyone could do such a mean thing on purpose and then laugh, and his face crumpled as he said, in the saddest little voice, “why would you do that??”

That’s basically been me for the past two years.

I had a talk with M the other night and very calmly told him how I feel and what I want. I want it to be okay for me to only  civil. I will say hi and bye and leave it at that. I don’t expect him to do the same. I will respect that she is his sister and that he has a right to have a relationship with her. But I do not think she is a good person, and every single time I give her the benefit of the doubt she makes me regret it. I won’t do what everyone else does and pretend that I don’t notice all of the shitty things she does. I accept that I have to live with her for another couple of years. You know that quote “if someone were to speak ill of you, live so no one would believe them”? That’s what I want to do.

His response? “I think that’s for the best. Just stop thinking about this. I mean, she’s not losing sleep over you.”

Truer words have never been spoken.

So for now, this is the where I stand:

I am grateful that M has stuck by me. I’m sticking by him too. I’m happy that I knew what it was like to be loved by my “inlaws,” even if it was only for a short period of time. I feel at peace, because I truly feel that I have done what I was supposed to. I do not like her. I do not have to. I can’t control her, but I can control me. I can choose how she affects me. And I say she stops affecting me at all now.

This will be the last time I talk about any of this. This post served as a way to get things out that were still on my mind. I’m over it, I’m done. I’m keeping her name out of my blog, mouth, mind and relationships.

I’m going to be happy again. I’m taking back control over my moods and thoughts and feelings. In short, I’m letting it go.

You know it’s bad when you roll your eyes at yourself February 13, 2008

Posted by Sparkel in annoyances, meee.

Something really random? I admire the crap out of Oprah. I’m in awe of how much that woman seems to cram into one day. She has her show, her charities, makes time to watch movies, read books, travel AND sleep. Amazing.

My biggest girl-crush is Natalie Portman. She’s been in good movies, was nominated for an oscar, AND graduated from Harvard. With a 4.0 gpa. I mean…gawd.

I always feel that there aren’t enough hours in the day. And yet, when I look back on yesterday I constantly ask “self…what did you DO yesterday?” What do I have to show for yesterday? What have I set out to accomplish that completely got done?

I can’t quite explain my mentality. For instance, there are days when I don’t go to the gym because I debate when the best time of day to shower is. I’ll wake up and think “I should go now, get the day started right. Oh no, but then I’ll either have to shower at the gym and dry my hair there, which will take forever, and I’ll miss more work time.” So I go straight to work, thinking “tonight is so much better.” I leave work and think “I’ll go for an hour before I get M! Perfect! Oh no, but the gym is so crowded after work until like 9. I’ll go after dinner.” But with M’s school schedule he usually doesn’t get home until 10, then eats, so I try to make dinner around 9. The gym closes at 11. So I go to bed cursing myself, swearing that “tomorrow I will figure out a good time and just go!”

It’s been over a week.

And the saddest (and grossest) part? Some days I don’t even make it to the shower.

I have stacks of books I want to read. Our Netflix queue is more than 100 movies that have been sitting there for a year. My room is always a mess. My friendships are neglected. I don’t sleep enough. And yet I feel like I accomplish nothing.

Oprah and Natalie? Their days seem jam-packed. When they say “there are not enough hours in the day” they MEAN it.

Today I WILL finish the book I need to read for school and I WILL hang out with a friend and I WILL go to the gym!

And if I don’t? At least I’ve accomplished mastering the art of excuses.

weekend recap (aka I have nothing else to write about) February 11, 2008

Posted by Sparkel in random.

The anniversary was sweet and low-key and full of little surprises (sweet email, flowers, dinner at a place we went to a few years ago that I LOVED, a freaking 8 GB IPOD NANO with a cute pink case!!) Over dinner we held hands and talked about our favorite memories, and quoted Arrested Development to make each other laugh. It was pretty perfect.

I’ve already uploaded a bunch of songs and three episodes of Gossip Girl onto my ipod, and I may or may not try to sneak watching them at work today. Portable TV shows…best present EVER!

I ordered a new phone this morning.  Not only is it pink.  Not only does it have every thing I want in a phone.  It was also FREE.  Doesn’t get better than that, am I right?

Also, the strike being pretty much over? Words cannot describe how elated I am. Though Friday Night Lights not filming any more episodes for this season or possibly EVER?? I will cry. HARD. if that show does not come back.

We went to see my sister in The Vagina Monologues on Saturday. She was great (as usual), but honestly? I don’t really get all the hype. About the play or vaginas. I spent most of it feeling uncomfortable. And talking about sex does not phase me at all. Different strokes I suppose.

It’s 19 degrees outside. And Monday. Le sigh..

Hope you had a good weekend 😀

Hallmark aint got shit on me February 8, 2008

Posted by Sparkel in M.

My Dearest M:

It’s our four year anniversary!! Part of me can’t believe it’s been that long and the other part can’t believe there was a time we didn’t know each other. I must say, the effect you have on me is amazing. I can be having the worst day, feeling miserable and sad and lonely, and then you do something simple, like walk into the room, and it doesn’t seem so bad. How do you do that? How did I get so lucky? You’re the best person I’ve ever known. I ask you all the time to explain what it is you see in me, why you think we work. I know it gets old, but you always comply, always tell me your version of our story with a smile. You’ve given me so much to appreciate and be grateful for. I know I can be a little…difficult at times. But you never give up, you’re never, ever mean, and in my heart of hearts I always know that you love me.

Thank you for your patience. Like when I spend all of my money for the thousandth time and bemoan what a failure I am. Not only do you assure me that I’m not one, you tell me what’s good about me. Things I don’t think anyone’s ever noticed. And that you have faith I’ll do better. You’re so good at making me feel like I can do anything. Then you offer to lend me money. I mean, really, is there anything sweeter than you?

Thank you for trying. We have such different personalities, you and I. Such different needs and wants. But you notice my needs, you take inventory of my wants, and then you try to make me happy my way, even though it doesn’t come natural. Even though it means doing things you hate. Even if it means buying Starbucks, which you loathe, or buying flowers, which you honestly think is pointless. Or like the time I was so happy watching my new Laguna Beach DVD’s that I didn’t even remember that your game was on. But you did, and you didn’t say anything. You hate Laguna Beach and love basketball, and when I asked you later why you didn’t just tell me to turn them off for a while you said “because you were happy.” And even though you made a joke about “not wanting to wake the beast within,” I knew you did it because you love me. You’re the only person who can make me feel that you love me. Sometimes it comes off of you like heat, and I never feel warmer or safer.

Thank you for all the little things I’ve never thanked you for. Remember when I used to make spaghetti and we’d eat it in my room on the floor on a blanket, picnic-style, so we could have privacy? And we’d drink kool-aid from wine glasses because I thought wine glasses were sophisticated, but we were too young to buy wine? You never laughed or made fun, you pretended right along with me. You hate yourself in pictures, but that didn’t stop you from buying me a nice camera. And obligingly smiling whenever I aimed it at you or us. You’ve always insisted on paying for dates. You still open every door in my path for me. Four years later, and you’re still the perfect gentleman. Four years later and I’m still the luckiest girl in the world.

Thank you for giving me confidence. Not a day goes by without you calling me beautiful. I feel wanted and admired with you. I feel intelligent and amusing and fun. I feel special. You ask for my advice. You laugh at my dumb jokes. You want to be around me. No one else’s eyes light up when I walk into a room. I’ve never thanked you for that, but I gotta say, nothing makes me feel better. No one makes me feel more than you.

I’ve tried here and many other times and places to put into words how much you mean to me. I will keep trying, but I admit that I cannot do you justice. It would take the rest of my life to list every little thing I love about you and gush to the extent that you deserve. And you know what? That’s fine by me. There is nothing I would rather spend my life doing.

I am so proud to call myself your girlfriend. And so giddy at the idea of one day being your wife. You’ve handed me happiness on a silver platter, and I hope I never forget to thank you every chance I get.

Thank you for all the flowers, stuffed animals, jewelry and cards.
Thank you for the little notes and emails.
Thank you for the shoulder, the rubs, and for wiping my tears.
Thank you for being my sounding board and conscience.
Thank you for making me your favorite person.
Thank you for supporting me.
Thank you for accepting me, warts and all.
Thank you for taking care of me when I’m sick.
Thank you for always being on my team, for making every effort to be my partner.
Thank you for telling me both what I need to hear and what I want to hear.
Thank you for taking such good care of my heart.

Thank you for sharing your life with me.
Thank you for being my best friend.
Thank you for letting me love you.
Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for the best four years of my life.

This entire post is TMI February 5, 2008

Posted by Sparkel in meee.

Not quite dead (yet) but I must say I felt very close to it.  I have never been sick like that in my life.  I woke up on Saturday morning trembling and shivering from being FREEZING even thought I was under three super heavy blankets.  And despite the fact that I was maybe the coldest I’ve ever been I was sweating.  Like, through my sweats, t-shirt, sweater, until my hair and pillow and blanket underneath me were soaked through.  It was pretty gross.

I’m 95% sure it was the flu, but the fact that I don’t have health insurance means I’ll never know for sure.  I took some antibiotics from my stash and feel better, so I’m just glad it’s almost over.  I still feel weak and achy but it’s 20 times better than it was.

M was so sweet the whole weekend…he brought me juice and made me food (the small amount I could keep down) and cleaned up the thousands of tissues I used and half-heartedly threw next to the bed and gave me medicine and surprised me with flowers and even helped me wash my hair and get dressed.  I woke up on Sunday to him putting socks on my feet.  So sweet 😀

The only good(?) thing about being sick was I literally could not eat solid food for three days, and what little I ate came right back up so I lost 7 pounds over the weekend.  And while I have no doubt it will come right back once I get back to normal, it was kinda nice to get on the scale and see that I’m 10 pounds away from my goal.

Thanks for the concern and comments on the last post!  You guys are sweet 😀

Say your goodbyes… February 1, 2008

Posted by Sparkel in meee.

…I think I’m dying. No lie. I am achy and have a fever and sore throat and stuffy nose AND my back is killing me from going to the gym last night. Goddamn twisty machine for my stagnant muffin top. All I wanna do is lie down and watch DVD’s. But I have to work until 3 (not bad) and then work tomorrow from 9-5 (bad) and read 400 pages and make a 250 word post on my thoughts on the 400 page book by tomorrow night (very bad.)

At least its payday. And I’ll have all of $60 that isn’t immediately going to rent.


On the plus side…

I feel better about work. I came up with a big project that isn’t completely boring and should keep my busy for a good year. I was praised for it by everyone, which was nice.

M’s sisters boyfriend finished building the hall closet yesterday, so now we can put the piles of blankets, sheets, towels and miscellaneous crap back in it instead of leaping over them on the way to my closet. It looks really, really nice too.

My rent is not as expensive as it could be because my sister and her boyfriend moved in. She just saved me $100! (and the pain of having -$40 in my bank.) It’s also been nice to have her around. My family is crazy dysfunctional and we argue all the time, and I’ve missed it more than I thought possible. It sounds weird, but it’s so nice to be able to tell someone exactly what you think without holding back and get more than the deer-in-the-headlights look in return. We even wrestled the other day because she took a shirt without asking (because yes, we’re also 10.) I’m loving it.

School just started, but I am already motivated. I am a nerd who loooooves school supplies (Staples is like heaven to me), so I bought some cute binders and dividers and matching notebooks (it helps to motivate me, okay?) My goal is nothin’ but A’s this semester, and I FINALLY seem to have the drive I’ve been missing all these years.

Which has also helped with my diet/exercise regime. I’ve gone 5 times this week and feel amazing. I’m not as hungry, craving healthy things (like fruit and special-k bars) and not making a face every time I drink water. It makes me wonder what I was waiting for all along.

Last, but not least, Valentine’s Day and my anniversary with M is coming up and I am RIDICULOUSLY excited. I loooooooooooooooooooooove V-day, and can’t believe I’ve been with M for four years. FOUR YEARS! I didn’t think I’d be with someone for that long until I was in my thirties. (I said this to M on the way to dinner last night. I kept repeating “four years…FOUR YEARS!!” until he said “you know, you can leave if you want to.” I said “No, M. This is not the exit opportunity you’ve been waiting for.” Ah, love…)

Have an excellent weekend.